When it comes to maintaining a social media presence, it’s fair and healthy to discuss boundaries and expectations with our partners, like whether or not they’re comfortable having their information or photographs of them online.
But when a person slips into telling their partner what they can and cannot post, especially when they are potentially concerned about other people noticing, it quickly moves from a reasonable conversation to controlling behavior, cautioned the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Unusual_Role7839 thought that she was in a wonderful relationship and believed that her boyfriend treated her very well.
However, when she celebrated graduation and took several graduation photos, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her boyfriend gave her an ultimatum: either not post the attention-seeking photos or simply not come back to their home.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for considering breaking up with my boyfriend after he told me not to post my graduation pics or ‘don’t come home tonight’?”
The OP was excited to graduate and celebrate with some cute photos.
“I (24 Female) graduated last weekend and wore a fitted midi dress (not short, no cleavage).”
“It was a big deal for me. I was the first in my family to graduate, so I took lots of photos with my parents and friends.”
“My boyfriend (27 Male) was there and super sweet all day.”
But then the OP’s boyfriend did something she never expected.
“On the way home, he asked to see the photos I was going to post and then said he doesn’t want me posting them because it looks ‘thirsty’ and ‘invites attention.'”
“I laughed, thinking he was joking, but he doubled down and said if I post those, I shouldn’t come back to our place that night. He literally framed an ultimatum over my graduation pics.”
“He framed it as being ‘respectful’ and that his coworkers/family follow me and it reflects on him.”
The OP didn’t feel like celebrating anymore.
“I ended up not posting and stayed at my mom’s because I was upset and honestly embarrassed.”
“He texted later like, ‘Glad you respected our relationship.'”
“Then the next day, he asked me to delete some old vacation photos, too, for the same reasons ‘now that he’d had time to think about it.'”
Then the OP wasn’t sure if she still felt like dating anymore, either.
“He’s made little comments before (like my makeup being ‘a lot’ and not loving certain tops), but he’s never done an explicit do-this-or-else. He’s not a monster; he’s been really good to me in other ways.”
“But I can’t shake this. It feels controlling, and I’m worried it’s a preview of what’s next.”
“Am I overreacting for considering breaking up over this one incident? Is this the kind of boundary you compromise on, or a line in the sand?”
“How do you all handle social media boundaries in relationships without it turning into control?”
“I’d really appreciate honest takes and what you’d say/do in my shoes. I’m definitely open to hearing if I’m blowing it out of proportion, too.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that these were early signs of abuse and reasons to leave.
“As a guy, I don’t think you’re overreacting. It sounds controlling and very much a picture of your future and an increasing shrinking of what you’re allowed to do under the guise of ‘respect for the relationship.'”
“I have an ex who was similarly fixated on image, and despite attempts to meet her ever-changing definition of respect, she ultimately cheated on me, and said it was to give me a taste of my own medicine. And stood by the decision after she ‘surprised me’ on a work trip believing I was actually dating someone in another city, only to find I was not lying about being in my hotel applying to jobs (in order to travel less; I very much hated being away from her, had no interest in other woman, and was working to find a job which would allow me to spend more time with her).”
“Her reasoning was that she saw I followed a girl on IG who was ‘probably a wh*re.'”
“I had followed said person years before our relationship, had deleted my IG early in the relationship when she first made comments about it, and only activated it after she said I was hiding something by deleting it. I spent time actively unfollowing people, and missed someone.” – Witty_Ask_9731
“I wish a lot of women would identify the signs early on and cut the person out of their lives as soon as they can.”
“A friend of mine is currently in an abusive relationship and is not willing to leave, no matter what I say or do. She recognizes that he is controlling, what he is doing is not right, sees all the red flags, but she is in too deep, and she kept going back to him, and it started in a similar manner to that of OP’s.”
“He asked her to delete her bday pics on instagram because it was too much so she did and that slowly snowballed to him controlling her online presence and then it became constant fights and arguments whenever a man interacts with her posts so ‘to keep the peace,’ she started posting less and mind you she runs her own business and he also have issues with men commenting on her business account.”
“Then that slowly evolves into him controlling her day-to-day life, what she wears when she is out, who she is hanging out with, who she is meeting, how long she is staying out… and now she barely leaves the house because she doesnt want to start a fight, her business suffers a lot due to that, her mental health is in shambles, a lot of our friends have stopped making efforts to connect and she is in such a bad place, it pains me.”
“So OP, please listen to what people are telling you, you are not overreacting, distance yourself from him, focus on yourself, don’t let yourself be trapped in an unhealthy relationship.” – Ghetto_Leda99
“When I was five or six, my mom met a guy, fell head over heels, and they were engaged like six months later. Even as a little kid, I could see he was a prick. A few months later, mid-wedding planning, she dumped him.”
“Only recently (so 25 years plus later), she told me the truth. He wouldn’t let her see her friends, see any colleagues outside of the office building (even going for lunch in a group), wearing certain clothes… the list goes on. But to the world, he was charming and perfect.”
“What I’m saying is, my mum is a really clever lady. Doesn’t take any s**t. And he wore her down veryyyy slowly over the year, and she didn’t notice until it was a case she wasn’t allowed to leave the house without him.”
“Please, I’m begging you, please leave this man. The future you will look back and be so very grateful to you for listening.” – Odd_Negotiaton4554
“OP, and anyone else who is interested in learning about the early signs of abusive people, read Why Does He Do That? Op, your bf is exhibiting textbook signs of an abuser.”
“They often are extremely charming and act ‘perfect’ in the beginning stages of a relationship, to confuse you and prevent you from leaving when they start escalating mistreatment. This is his mask starting to come off, and your gut instinct is correct… It’s there to protect you, and you should never ignore it.”
“Abusive men of all types were studied for this, as it is more prevalent in men due to patriarchal power dynamics, but it can also apply to women as well. It gives you insight into the patterns that abusers follow, and how to spot them early before they ramp up escalation, so you can leave before they destroy your life and self-esteem.”
“You can not change or fix them by showing them how much you love them. Their behavior has nothing to do with you, as it started forming in childhood, often modeled by a parent, and is practically hard-wired in by adulthood. They shouldn’t be in relationships or having children, as they only pass on this generational trauma to their children.”
“Creating new abusers or victims who are highly vulnerable to a lifetime of abuse that was normalized. You don’t create families with abusers; you create a string of tragedy and heartbreak. They often hide their true nature until they have you hooked with something permanent, like a big move, marriage or children. They rush these steps in a relationship to gain control.”
“Being single and in control of your own life, is far better and more peaceful than getting trapped with a parasite like this.” – _ZoeyDaveChapelle_
“The fact that OP said he was not a monster shows how she has already been indoctrinated to accept his ‘love’ since he’s not hitting her, or cursing at her, and he allows her to do some things.”
“This story is already written and will end in the ruin of OP unless and until she heeds the warnings.”
“In fact, OP, if you do not end this relationship now, you will grow more fearful to do so. That fear will allow you to shrink more and more, and him to grow more powerful. This is the beginning of the end.” – IntrepidMuch
Others agreed and urged the OP to celebrate her success.
“He tore her down when he should’ve been celebrating her achievement. That’s a red flag the size of China.” – Oceans_Apart_
“OP, get out of there now, leave him behind. Post up your photos, make a big deal of your graduation because that’s a great achievement, and move on with your life.”
“There are many people like him; the next man you meet, you can watch for the signs. When they want to control the parts of your life that you should be controlling yourself, then that’s the time to go.”
“And ‘super sweet all day’? That’s an act; he was priming you for what he was going to say later.” – South_Hedgehog_7564
“You are absolutely NOT overreacting!! There are so many reasons why, but I’ll save us both the time. Everything you’re saying are red flags.”
“Then, after you ‘respected our relationship,’ he doubled down and went ahead and back-dated some demands.”
“I’m sorry, but in my opinion, he is definitely being controlling in a way that makes the future look extremely cut and dry. Again, my opinion.”
“You’re young. Just starting your life! You don’t need to be unable to live like a free adult at 24! Girl, run! And celebrate that achievement of yours!” – Phoebesther
“NOR, and you should break up with him over this. Even if he is good in other ways, this is still extremely controlling of him and a reasonable deal breaker.”
“So give him what he wants. Post the photos and don’t come home. Over the weekend, have someone help you get your stuff.”
“Congrats on graduating!!” – offbrandbarbie
“OP, you need to run. He is controlling like that now. What will happen when you marry him? Lock you up in the basement all year round? As you said, that is ‘our place.’ He clearly thinks the place is ‘his.'”
“It also makes me wonder, does he have a degree, or barely graduated from high school? Will he be jealous?”
“You need to post and put these photos back. And label, my ‘EX’ won’t allow me to post these photos because this moron thinks it is too sexy. Also, tag him.”
“Anyway, congratulations. You should be proud of yourself, not worry about upsetting this tiny man.” – corgi-king
The subreddit could not stop side-eyeing the OP’s future ex-boyfriend and the fact that he not only did not properly celebrate his girlfriend’s achievements, but he also tried to control her social media posting and backdate his demands, with an ultimatum, no less.
The OP deserved to take the weekend to properly celebrate her graduation without her boyfriend in her life anymore, and the boyfriend clearly needed to reevaluate his insecurities before he tried to date again.