Children are a lot of hard work. Anyone who isn’t up for a 24/7/365 responsibility should make sure they don’t become a parent.
But once that decision is made, they’re committed for at least the next 18 years. While they can ask for help, no one is obligated to provide it.
A grandmother whose daughter thinks she’s an unpaid childcare employee turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ThrowRASanbuche asked:
“AITA for not wanting to take care of my granddaughter for free?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter decided to get married a year after finishing high school. My husband and I didn’t understand that decision but she was totally convinced and so was her husband.”
“My daughter became a housewife (by her own decision) and got pregnant soon after, since her husband works she spent a lot of the pregnancy at my house which did not seem a problem to me. Then my granddaughter was born and she kept coming often, which didn’t seem like a problem to me either.”
“But then she started leaving me her baby longer and getting upset when I told her I can’t take care of her. I understand that being a mother is difficult, I raised four children, but that does not mean that everyone should be at my feet because of a decision I made.”
“My daughter started asking me on the weekends to babysit because she and her husband wanted to go out. I agreed for about three weeks until my husband and I had our own plans.”
“My daughter went crazy and called me to tell me that I should be more empathetic with her because she is a mother and never leaves the house.”
“I felt bad that day so my husband and I decided to babysit on the weekends, but to be honest we’re tired. We love our children? Yes. But our plan at this age was to get back to being just us and go to dates together.”
“We even had to delay our vacation because of our daughter. We adore our daughter, but she is now an adult and we don’t want to raise any children anymore. We have other grandchildren who we love as well, but we have never had this problem with my other children.”
“Not to mention, my granddaughter is now older and more active, caring for a newborn is one thing, but it’s totally different chasing a baby who has already learned to crawl. My husband has a limp and I have a hard time bending over, so it’s hard for us to take care of the baby.”
“I talked to my daughter about this and she complained saying it’s only two days a week to which to make a point I said ‘Okay, then pay us like you pay the babysitter’ (she hired a babysitter a few weeks ago).”
“I told her that at this point I feel that she only uses me as a free babysitter because lately she only comes to make me take care of the baby and that’s where my daughter went crazy, totally offended.”
“Although it’s the truth, she doesn’t even come to dinner or to visit me, she just brings the baby for me to babysit and I feel used.”
“According to her it’s really horrible of me to want to charge her to take care of my own granddaughter, it made me wonder if she’s right.”
“No, my husband and I didn’t have anyone’s help raising our children. I don’t know why so many young people believe that life used to be easy.”
“Years ago, in my country it was even frowned upon for a mother to leave her child in childcare and go to work. Now it’s not easy to be a parent either, but it never was.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“Not wanting to take care of my granddaughter or wanting my daughter to pay for my time. Taking care of my newborn granddaughter was beautiful, but chasing a crawling baby around the house is really tiring.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. While it is super nice for parents to have grandparents available to look after their grandkids occasionally for free, it is completely different for your daughter to expect you to regularly babysit every weekend so she can go out and do fun things without at all offering to do anything for you (e.g. pay you).”
“She is not being considerate of the fact that you and your husband also have lives outside of your granddaughter, the same as her and her husband, which means you can’t (and shouldn’t) always be available for free labour.”
“If she needs weekends off with her husband, she needs to find someone to babysit her kid that isn’t just a family member being exploited.”
“Of course, you can still look after the child sometimes and get the opportunity to bond with your granddaughter, but that should be treated as that. Bonding time on your terms, not babysitting time on your daughter’s terms.” ~ Complex_Yam2790
“I do not mind a date night now and then, but when it is regular (child care for 3 months while they were awaiting slot in preschool), I charge and daughter happily pays. We raised our kids—it’s the parents turn to raise theirs.” ~ LingonberryPrior6896
“The first thing my father said to me when I had my first was the same thing his father had said to him when I was born: ‘I am a grandparent NOT a babysitter.'”
“OP, you need to tell your daughter that you know EXACTLY how hard it is to be a mother because you raised her, and now it’s your turn to have a life, just like it’s her turn to prioritize her children over herself as a parent.”
“You have done your job raising kids. If she wanted to have ‘a life’ and prioritize dates with her husband, she shouldn’t have had kids.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“Expecting OP to babysit all weekend, every weekend is ridiculous. That’s exploitation, and it’s inconsiderate as well. It means she’s putting her mom in a situation where she can never make plans on the weekend.”
“Asking every once in a while for a few hours to go on a date is one thing, but forcing someone else to raise your child without any compensation, every weekend, is quite another.”
“OP has got to set some firm boundaries about how long and how often they’re willing to babysit, or she will continue to be used. You want to be able to enjoy time with your grandkids, not feel like it’s a job.” ~ TopProfessional1862
“NTA. I raised 3 kids. I know how hard it is, and I was lucky to have in-laws who would babysit at the drop of a hat. But maybe that’s because I didn’t ask them every weekend.”
“This is your daughter and son-in-law’s responsibility. It’s their child. You are under no obligation to become weekend parents to your granddaughter.”
“Say NO. Let your daughter have her meltdown, but don’t give in. Say NO a few weeks in a row. Make her understand that your time is as important to you as her time is to her.”
“Maybe set a schedule with your daughter. Tell her you will keep your granddaughter one Saturday night a month. That’s it. Your daughter is being entitled and ridiculous.” ~ Jenk1972
“When our daughter had her first child, we were super excited to help any way we could. When our daughter went back to work, I had our grandchild one day a week and loved every second.”
“Moving on 6 years and our grandson was born, and I offered to help again—obviously I’m a little older and time wears us all, but this time it was for two days and two children (a newborn and a 6-year-old).”
“This very quickly became too much for me, and I had an honest conversation with my daughter. She fully understood and changed her needs to suit mine.”
“She was grateful for any help I gave.”
“Your daughter is ungrateful and selfish. Decline to help at all until she appreciates it.” ~ Upstairs_Essay_7349
“NTA. People don’t really understand the all-encompassing nature of being a parent. They’re shocked to discover that spontaneity is dead and buried once you have a child.”
“If they want to go out with their spouse, they are now depending entirely on the goodwill or paid availability of somebody else to enable it. This sudden loss of freedom is so jarring and sudden that many people are unable to accept it.”
“They have never been restricted before and it’s completely unfair that they should be now. It is their right to go out and, therefore, somebody else’s duty to make it happen.”
“Well, tough.”
“Whether or not they entirely understood what they were getting into, they’re in it now. Don’t get to go out when they want? What a shame.
“Nobody was prepared to alter their lives to their own detriment so they can have some fun? How terrible for them.”
“Again, NTA. This is the deal. This is what happens when people decide to have kids. Your daughter decided to become a mother and now she has to act like one?”
“Bummer. Not your problem.” ~ WestLondonIsOursFFC
Family can help a great deal with childcare, but no one is obligated to care for a child free of charge other than the parents of that child.
OP’s daughter decided the favor she was being given was really a requirement her parents owed her. So the best solution seems to be to stop helping until their daughter develops an attitude of gratitude to replace her entitlement.