Grief has so many facets.
It is an ongoing and harrowing process.
A person’s grief can crush relationships.
So how do loved ones of a grieving person cope?
Redditor Independent-Web5498 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my sister not to come to my wedding if she kept bringing up her miscarriage?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“3 years ago, my younger sister Jen had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.”
“She and her partner, Scott, were devastated.”
“I was there for them as much as I could be, but it was a tough time for them.”
“A few months later, Scott left Jen: Jen said it was because of the miscarriage.”
“She and Scott had a close-knit group of friends, and I found it odd no one had checked on her, so I rang her best friend to suggest a girl’s night.”
“She told me the reason they had broken up: Jen had slept with someone else.”
“When he confronted her, she blamed the miscarriage.”
“9 months ago, I got engaged and asked Jen to be my M{aid] O[f] H[onor].”
“At our engagement party, Jen became inconsolable at seeing our friend’s baby.”
“Everyone’s focus – including mine – was on Jen all night.”
“I wasn’t upset with her: I figured that she was imagining what all these big family events would be like with a baby, so I gave her grace.”
“Since then, anything to do with the wedding, she brings up her miscarriage – but only at events related to my wedding.”
“I asked her to help me pick flowers, and she lost it when she saw baby blue roses (she’s convinced she was having a boy) and we had to leave.”
“When we went wedding dress shopping, she picked out a maternity bridesmaid dress and asked to try it on so that she could see how she would have looked.”
“When she did that, I thought, ‘she’s actually lost it,’ and had to walk away when she started stuffing a cushion up her dress.”
“I have tried to talk to her about going to counselling again, but she is insisting this is a normal part of the grieving process.’
“She planned my hen party, which I was so grateful for, but I found out after she’d sent everyone a list of rules which included no talking about pregnancy or kids; no wearing baby blue, etc etc.”
“I confronted her, but I was gentle about it: I suggested counseling again and said I was there for her, but also that if she wanted to impose any other ‘rules’ on anything to do with my wedding, she had to come to me first.”
“It all came to a head when one of my friends and bridesmaids announced she was pregnant (she will be 7 months at the wedding).”
“After the announcement, Jen called her and said it would be best if she didn’t come because she couldn’t ‘maintain her peace’ if she was forced to be reminded of the loss of her child.”
“I LOST it when I found out and said she was using her miscarriage to get attention, and if she made one more demand, or made a single comment about it at anything wedding-related, she was uninvited, and in either case, she is no longer my MOH.”
“Since then, Jen has told everyone I’ve dumped her from the wedding for being too upset about the loss of her baby.”
“In retaliation, I told everyone and anyone who would listen the real reason she and Scott broke up.”
“Half our friends and family think I’m an a**hole, half think she is.”
“I’m still horrifically angry, and stuck in a place where I’m not sure if I’m rightly angry or if I should be more understanding.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Totally with you.”
“A miscarriage is devastating, but being that sensitive after 3 years is something else.”
“As you say, miscarriages before 12 weeks are really common.”
“It’s such a taboo topic and needs to be talked about more.”
“Some people don’t even realise they are pregnant at that point.” ~ Forkyou
“More people need to talk about miscarriages and the nature of them – that it’s literally biologically natural to have a miscarriage.”
“While it’s sad, and people deal with them in different ways, your point of saying that it’s a woman’s body, ‘taking care of something that is not viable’ is completely accurate.”
“We are still animals at the end of it all, and nature taking its course is inevitable sometimes.” ~ OverThinkingHo25
“I have had 5 miscarriages.”
“I was aware and knew what was happening each time.”
“I still joyfully celebrate those who are pregnant because I am thrilled they do not have to go through what I have.”
“My trauma should have no bearing on another’s happy moment.”
“Those who know me are gentle and check in.”
“My sister told me she was pregnant privately before making an announcement at a family gathering, so I would have time to process instead of being stunned in a group, which I didn’t expect, and would have been nothing but thrilled and overjoyed in the moment had it been a surprise, but appreciated the forethought and consideration.” ~ Time_Care_102
“I have suffered a lot of loss in the last two decades and usually fall into the ‘you can’t tell people how to grieve’ camp because grief is weird and complicated and different for everyone and every relationship.”
“However, I am 100% with you.”
“If the sister can’t even handle seeing the color baby blue, she should have excused herself from MOH duties and gotten therapy yesterday.”
“Just because you are having a hard time does not mean that those around you must accommodate you.”
“You should be self-aware enough to excuse yourself from situations where you know you can’t handle being there without making it about you.” ~ bug1402
“Agreed with this and I’d say go ahead and uninvite your sister from the wedding – she rejects the idea of more therapy because she knows what she’s doing is unhealthy, but doesn’t want to stop.”
“If she can’t make it through a dress fitting without making it all about her, she’s not going to let your wedding happen smoothly.”
“I would expect her to be crying loudly every time she sees your bridesmaid, which includes during your vows.” ~ SafetyFluid8535
“NTA. She needs some major therapy.”
“She lost a baby she was barely pregnant with 3 years ago.”
“Not that the loss will go away, but the fact that everything in her life is run by it is not at all healthy.”
“She needs to do some serious unpacking of the amount of loss surrounding the baby and her relationship… ASAP.” ~ Rabt_FTS
“It’s been three years, AND she was 9 weeks, which means she only knew about the pregnancy for tops 3 weeks.”
“While that can be emotional, this is NOT the same as carrying to say 4-5 months and losing the pregnancy.”
“9 weeks sucks if you were excited to be pregnant, but is not this level of loss she is pretending to feel for attention any time she needs it.’
“After 3 years.”
“That’s actual crazy behavior.”
“Honestly, it’s offensive to those who have lost pregnancies that were much further along.”
“That STILL don’t act like this.”
“She found what she thinks is a catch-all attention-getting and act however I want excuse because if you mention miscarriage, people back off.”
“I’m glad OP has said enough is enough.”
“Sister is either in dire need of intense mental health care, or needs a reality check.”
“Or both. NTA.” ~ anneofred
“NTA- I had twins stillborn at five months.”
“I made it out to the other side by the skin of my teeth.”
“She is being ridiculous at best; we don’t get to trauma dump and steal other people’s joy.”
“And if she can’t handle seeing your friend pregnant, then she doesn’t go.”
“There was a family baptism soon after I lost my girls.”
“I quietly didn’t go, gave my sincere regrets, and everyone understood.” ~ Puzzled452
OP came back with updates and edits…
“A couple of people have said I went too far for telling people about the reasons why she broke up with Scott.”
“And I can take that, but just for context, I had multiple people reach out to me, who she had spoken to first.”
“Each essentially said I was being a b**** for dumping her from the wedding for having a miscarriage and said something along the lines of ‘she’s lost her partner and her sister because she lost her baby.'”
“I felt I needed to correct them that she actually lost neither of us, because of the miscarriage, she lost us because of her actions since, and her blaming the miscarriage is part of a pattern of behavior.”
“I didn’t go into details: just said ‘actually she lost Scott because she cheated on him, and she lost me because she uninvited one of my bridesmaids, without my knowing, because she is pregnant.”
“I was upset and hurt that they were saying this to me, and also that she wanted everyone to think I was the sort of person who would dump my sister because she lost a baby, so I lashed out by telling them what actually happened with Scott.”
“I suppose as a way to defend myself.”
“But again: if the consensus is that this was too far, I’ll accept that and take it on the chin.”
“Thanks for the feedback, everyone: someone mentioned the phrase ‘weaponized grief,’ and seeing that written down, that’s what it feels like.”
“She clearly didn’t deal with her grief at the time she had the miscarriage, but I’m surprised that it’s presented itself now in the way that it has. “
“Part of me wonders if she’s seeing me get married and thinking it should have been her and Scott: perhaps her feelings of guilt over what she did, and not dealing with her grief, have caused her to have some form of mental break?”
“I’m not sure, but I’m glad to see the consensus seems to be I was right to set the boundaries I did.”
“This gives me some measure of peace as we get closer to the wedding, although if it comes to it and she is not there, I will still be absolutely devastated.”
Reddit has your back. OP, glad that you know it.
As sad as your sister’s situation is, she can not behave this way.
She may need serious help mentally, but it is not your responsibility to see that she gets it.
You deserve to be happy during this time.
Hopefully, this can all get resolved.
But don’t sacrifice your joy over it.
Good Luck and Congratulations!!!