When people move in together it can be natural to share things.
Things as in times, personal properties.
This is especially true when it comes to living with a romantic partner.
But a few items may be on the “Just Mine” list.
When that line is crossed, lovers can get cranky.
Redditor carmardoll wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA For having my own secret honey stash?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Me 31 (M[ale]) and my partner 29 (F[emale]) have been living together for two years now.”
“I like honey in my oatmeal.”
“More specifically, raw honey.”
“Something about the flavor I just adore.”
“So I always bought it even if it cost a bit more than regular.”
“But it just so happens that apparently, she decided this is ‘our’ honey at one point last year.”
“The little jar that used to last me two months went out in two weeks because of her waffles.”
“I wouldn’t mind if we bought it together but I have to order it on Amazon because no stores nearby sell the stuff.”
“I didn’t want to seem like a cheapskate by telling her to pay me for it, so in February, the next bottle I got, I hid it in my desk, where I usually take my breakfast.”
“Yesterday she happened to catch me pouring it into the oatmeal.”
“She got upset, saying it was childish not to share it at that we are adults.”
“But it’s not sharing if she is taking 80% of it and paying nothing for it.”
“Today she came demanding honey for her waffles, and I told her ‘It is my honey’ and like out of the bloody meme she went ‘OUR honey.'”
“That started the discussion again.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP and everyone else WAS the A**hole.
“Good Lord. Presumably, you’re both full-blown adults even though you’re not behaving your age.”
“If both of you chip in for groceries, just make that a part of the grocery bill.”
“Or buy two bottles, one for each of you.”
“What a needlessly petty argument.” ~ Kasparian
“Yeah, I am blown away that OP’s first instinct was ‘Hide the honey’ and not ‘talk to a partner.'”
“Many adults are not honey connoisseurs, so she probably doesn’t realize this isn’t just honey from the grocery store and it was likely super confusing that OP suddenly started hiding condiments from her in their shared home.”
“Can’t the special honey be part of the normal shared grocery bill?”
“I’m so confused; literally, what is the issue.” ~ nefarious_planet
“Presumably, OP is a bear in a hat, like Yogi Bear.”
“I’d say that it’s understandable that they can’t use their words, but that was basically 90% of Yogi Bear’s thing, so now I don’t know.”
“Still, well done on being smarter than the average bear and being able to post online OP!” ~ bofh
“Right. Just be like hey, now that we both enjoy the honey, I’m going to buy two bottles at a time.”
“I order them from so and so, and it’s going to cost X.”
“How do you move in with someone and not be adult enough to have a conversation about money?”
“And it’s not even like a major conversation either. It’s honey.”
“Unless they’re living paycheck to paycheck, raw honey is likely not going to blow the budget for most people.” ~ Kasparian
“But if he didn’t tell her it’s quite expensive and hard to find, I’m not sure how she’s supposed to know that.”
“Personally, I obviously can tell the visual difference between a bear-shaped bottle of honey and a fancy jar, but I have seen both side-by-side in the grocery store incredibly often.”
“And I know I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the grocery store jars and OP’s special online-only honey without being explicitly told.”
“Sure, my partner could’ve noticed the honey wasn’t on the grocery list and asked about it… exactly the same as OP could’ve told her it’s special expensive honey.
“They’re both being ridiculous.” ~ nefarious_planet
“Have you ever lived with another adult before?”
“Condiments are pretty common shared items because it’s a huge waste to have doubles of everything.”
“This seems so much more like a situation where she grabbed food from the shared kitchen without thinking deeply about it than some malicious plot to take HIS HONEY.”
“In any case, discussing these things prior to moving in together and then continuing to discuss them as they come up is both peoples’ responsibility.”
“In my opinion, there are a few red flags in this post, but OP’s partner taking the honey in the first place is not one of them.” ~ nefarious_planet
“She KNOWS he likes honey, and knows they have been ‘out of honey’ since February, but never thought ‘Gee, I am buying groceries. u/carmardoll likes honey… I think I will pick up a jar!'”
“This shows she doesn’t even care if HE has honey, just wants to make it clear that he can’t have anything she doesn’t get to.” ~ WVPrepper
“He’s buying it from Amazon, so it’s not hard to acquire, and I highly doubt it’s that expensive.”
“He’s not buying it from some gourmet honey purveyor at a local farm.”
“His own post says it’s just a ‘bit more’ than regular honey.”
“This isn’t $6,500 an ounce Elvish honey we’re discussing.” ~ Kasparian
“Honestly, it’s not that bad.”
“My husband absolutely devours any food I buy, a lot of times not leaving a lot.”
“This has led to us having separate stashes for snacks so that when he runs out, he can’t take any of mine and has to wait until I grocery shop again- we’re also on a budget, and he knows that.”
“So he has to either tide himself over or spread his snacks out through the week instead of binging it all in one day.”
“I also bought an 8-pack of ice cream sandwiches, and we each have 4 for the week—he can eat all 4 in one day if he wants, but he’s not getting any of mine, and he’s not getting any more until I go shopping next week.”
“Sounds petty I know but it feels the most fair to me, we’re both getting the food we want, and I’m trying to teach him to be mindful with food and not overspend.” ~ hobbes_theorangecat
“ESH, are you seriously living together but still keeping separate pantries like roommates who don’t trust one another?”
“If so, you’re doubtless wasting tons of food and time keeping doubles of things and you should stop.”
“If you do have a shared grocery budget and shared pantry, then why is this honey not part of that?”
“I understand you are keeping it separate if it was something only you like, and you didn’t want to burden the shared budget, but she clearly likes it too.”
“It should be a shared item in the shared budget and be replaced when needed.”
“If that turns out to be too expensive, then have a conversation about that, rather than squirreling away condiments and getting mad about it.” ~ ExtraplanetJanet
“I disagree. My partner consumes things much faster than me.”
“But for special things we both want, we split it in half and once his part is gone, he leaves me to enjoy my part in peace.”
“But you can’t really split honey so getting separate jars is an easy solution.”
“If she runs out of the treat quickly, she will have to wait until the next restock… and maybe her bottle of honey should be a big one of normal honey as they sell at Costco if she’s going through tons of it.” ~ asecretnarwhal
“Agreed. I’ve had this situation regarding maple syrup.”
“I use real maple syrup that is very expensive but is very flavorful and a little bit goes a very long way.”
“Partner grew up with Aunt Jemima smothering the whole dish, which is left with tons left on the plate.”
“With real maple syrup that’d be like $5 at least straight down the drain.”
“By all means continue drenching your waffles in syrup, but continue using the cheap kind, not the expensive kind when you’re using it that way.”
“The bottle would last me 6 months alone.” ~ No-Form-8014
“Right, but I assume (unless I’m mistaken) that you still keep it in a shared pantry.”
“My wife and I are similar with desserts – if we buy a box of chocolates we eat it at the same rate.”
“If one of us feels like binging our share that’s fine – it stays in the shared pantry and as adults, the one who binged has the self-control to know that the rest belongs to their partner and doesn’t gorge it because they see it… lol.” ~ InfinMD2
“ESH. It can get very annoying and pricey for honey.”
“There is no way that she should be using 80% of the honey.”
“That’s very inconsiderate.”
“I think it’s childish for you to hide it.”
“You should have talked to her about it and maybe got her, her own cheaper kind or of the same brand.”
“Or maybe tell her to buy the honey at least once???”
“You don’t want to feel like a cheapskate, but you also never sat her down and expressed your concerns.”
“Closed mouths don’t get fed.” ~ DarkAngel_DA
“This is childish.”
“I buy ALL the groceries in our house, but I don’t have special groceries just for me.”
“My husband is allowed to eat whatever he wants because I’m an adult and can buy more if needed.”
“You don’t sound mature enough to be in a relationship.” ~ ItIsBurgerTime
“ESH. I hide special foodstuff and occasional treats from my kids and husband all the time.”
“He knows I hide it and doesn’t care.”
“He also knows anything in the kitchen is fair game.”
“It’s become a game – if I leave my special treat out and forget to put it away, he’ll eat it (even if he hates whatever it is, he’ll eat it).”
“In a day or two though, I’ll find a replacement treat on my pillow or something silly.”
“He’s an a** but he gets this part right.”
“You guys have turned it into some weird, angry competition – that’s more of a problem than the honey, in my opinion.” ~ Rude_Veterinarian639
Well, OP, Reddit is not thrilled with either of you.
Seems like people want you to spread the love… and the honey.
This is a small issue that could get out of hand.
Maybe just ask her to chip in a bit more.
Good luck.