There’s a saying about gifts that “it’s the thought that counts.”
It’s a way to approach gift giving and receiving that’s less about money, and more about the consideration behind the gift.
The saying doesn’t mean that as long as a person produces a gift, no matter how ill-conceived or thoughtless it is, the recipient is required to be grateful and content.
A great gift can be completely free or it can break the bank. A horrible gift has the same price range.
A gift recipient turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being disappointed in their husband’s effort picking out a birthday gift.
Regular_Scientist_23 asked:
“AITA for not being grateful for my husband’s birthday gift?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I can’t believe I’m doing this, but my husband and I can’t get on the same page for this one. He feels that gifts, no matter how small, should be appreciated.”
“I agree. If it was any other day it would’ve been fine, but as I stared at the coffee scented bar of soap I couldn’t fake a genuine smile.”
“It’s good to know that I love coffee in all its glory and anything that has to do with coffee would normally make me happy, but this?”
“A little background information is that my husband has recently purchased a home gym device that cost him an arm and a leg. I didn’t agree with the purchase, because he wanted to start a personal training business with that singular full body machine.”
“He was excited about renting a small office space (that had no windows), and putting it in there to make money. He’s not a personal trainer either, and we’re surrounded by gyms in our area (3 gyms).”
“He has spent all his savings on this one device that is now in storage. I understand that, but I don’t agree with the purchase and the timing of it.”
“Today I was being colder than usual, because I was exhausted and hurt. I didn’t want to talk, but he kept pushing, so I told him that I didn’t enjoy the gift, that it felt insulting and insufficient.”
“He got pissed off because I’m not appreciating the situation that he is in. I don’t see it as a situation that he’s in, but a choice that he made.”
“He left the house without saying a word and returned with flowers and matcha. I was honest and told him that it felt like putting a bandaid on it, but not genuine.”
“He’s mad again and I’m exhausted and unsure if I’ve made the right choice and if I’m the a**hole for not just appreciating the flowers. I don’t know.”
“My husband got me soap for my birthday, after spending a lot of money on something I didn’t really agree with.”
The OP later added:
“An update on his gym machine is that a part of it broke the day before my birthday—the cable snapped while he was working out. The machine is currently in a storage space and his idea has been paused for now.”
“This is our first year of marriage, but he is normally more cautious with money than I am. This was an investment in his eyes.”
“I threw my father a retirement party with both of our families and both families got me really thoughtful birthday gifts as well.”
“I didn’t add this because I didn’t want to sway anyone either way, but I spent the entire day cooking his favourite dishes for his birthday and got him a PlayStation 5, because he had been wanting it for a long time.”
“Those ‘match his energy comments’ showed me that that was the thing that bothered me the most. No gift from him would’ve been better or something that showed some kind of appreciation.”
“His gym thing was a lapse of judgment trying to escape a job that he doesn’t love, but I hope that this is just that.”
“Today was nice, needed and I’ve been shown a lot of love from both of our families.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I’m not taking into account his financial situation or accepting his second gift afterwords. I might be the a**hole because he had been open about his finances.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“He got you a bar of soap for your birthday? Good lord, that’s just sad.” ~ PopRocks314
“Soap is what you get that co-worker you know absolutely nothing about for their work mandated birthday lunch. ‘All I know about you is that you drink coffee and that you probably wash, happy birthday Janice!’.” ~ thedoodely
“The funny thing is, that if I knew you drink coffee, I would have bought you a gift card to a cafe or a bag of your favourite beans/blend (or my favourite if I didn’t know yours with a message to say I hope you enjoyed it as much as me). This is someone you know intimately, so he knows what coffee she likes.”
“I’m not materialistic at all, I don’t expect my husband to buy me gifts, but a bar of soap is pathetic. I know he may not have intended it this way and maybe she understands him/cuts him some slack, but it is kind of insulting if you think about it.”
“A bar of soap? Are you implying I need to do better on the hygiene front…? If it was a self care/spa relaxation basket which soap was included I think the vibe would be different and better received.” ~ unloadingmyhead
“Like, if she loves all things coffee, then the soap in a basket along with a bunch of other coffee-related things would have been really sweet and fun. Just the soap is kind of horrifying.” ~ Sorry_I_Guess
While the situation wasn’t funny, some felt it was punny.
“He set the bar pretty low for future gifts.” ~ bmanley620
“Now his wife is frothing.” ~ moth-bear
“He thought it would wipe the slate clean.” ~ Organized_Khaos
“And now he’s getting worked up into a lather.” ~ jenaro9
GIPHY
Anyway…
“One year for Xmas I asked for a cozy bathrobe. My first husband (now ex) bought me a set of coasters from the shop next to the one he worked in.” ~ fuckyourcanoes
“My ex gave me a 5 day old yoghurt that had been left in the car overnight one year. It still took me over a year to make him my ex.”Â
“I feel stupid for how long I put up with sh*t.” ~ Bethlizardbreath
“NTA. I get this 100%. My husband once spent $500 on a PS5 and two days later gave me a cardboard box of random snacks from the Japanese market—some I couldn’t eat because they had shrimp in them and I’m allergic.”
“I really am not someone who cares about the price of my gifts. It was more the fact that he got something so expensive and indulgent for himself and then grabbed a bunch of random sh*t for me at the last second.”
“Your husband spent money to spoil himself and got you a bar of soap like you’re an afterthought.” ~ Forsoothia
“The soap sucks, but it pales in comparison to his wasteful spending on gym equipment and renting an office building in this economy. NTA, but I do think OP has bigger problems than her caffeinated soap.” ~ vrcraftauthor
“I’m sorry…he got you a bar of soap? NTA.”
“Normally, I would say appreciate the effort, but dear lord, there is no effort here. Flowers and a drink after to try to make up for being thoughtless don’t change that.” ~ JudgeJudyScheindlin
“NTA, because objectively it seems obvious that his dreams of Bowflex riches put any consideration of your birthday a distant second. However, I have a nagging feeling that there is a lot more to unpack in your relationship dynamics leading up to this.” ~ Evil_Capt_Kirk
“Forget cost, I want the same thought and effort I put into someone’s birthday returned. Unless she bought him toothpaste (and just toothpaste) for his birthday, the effort is unmatched.”
“This is the kind of thing that should be brought up and dealt with in the first year of a relationship, not after marriage which leads me to think either hubby always does this and OP has kept quiet or he has been fine every other year and this is out of the blue.”
“Whichever it is, OP has to be honest with her feelings, express them to hubby, and hope he understands and reacts with a little more empathy and respect than he has already.” ~ OhHiFelicia
“This is not about the soap. Don’t use the soap to avoid dealing with the REAL ISSUE.”
“Your husband made a decision and you’re upset with it. I think his plan is poorly thought out and a reckless use of savings.”
“How many clients will he have to have to pay off the machine and the office rental fee and make a profit?” ~ Sheslikeamom
“NTA. The fact that he invested in this equipment without even being an actual trainer is absolutely insane, plus this was so poorly planned that he wasted his entire savings? No safety net?”
“I am a certified trainer, and most of the battle is building up your reputation and clientele. Opening a standalone studio without having done this is unheard of, and destined to fail.”
“I would be absolutely LIVID if I were you. NTA, he has only himself to blame for his ridiculous predicament and I would strongly consider separating over such a stupid decision.”
“I cannot believe this man thinks he’s going to be successful as an unknown, uncertified ‘trainer’ (which, by the way, is a HUGE liability if he injures someone, ESPECIALLY if he does not have his own training insurance, which I feel certain he does not, since that’s something you learn IN TRAINING SCHOOL) with one piece of equipment in a windowless room.”
“Some stupidity knows no bounds.” ~ DISNYLND
“NTA, a singular bar of soap for your wife’s birthday is pitiful, I’m sorry you had such a miserable time on a day that was supposed to be about celebrating you.”
“I would sit him down and say that his gift lacked thoughtfulness and substance, and that just because it’s in your favorite scent doesn’t automatically make it a thoughtful and meaningful gift—which is what anyone would have expected from their life partner.”
“If he had for example given you a body care gift basket that would have been great, but instead he gave you something that you probably buy regularly at the store for yourself, and is taking his financial frustrations out on you because you’re not coddling him.”
“If he wants to make it up to you, he should apologize for giving you an insult of a gift instead of just coming to you with honesty and saying that he can’t afford to spoil you with gifts this year, and asking you how you would like to spend your birthday in a way that he can afford.”
“Because I’m guessing that you wouldn’t have even cared if he had just said that in the first place, and would have been happy spending quality time with him doing something you love.”
“As for his laughable business goals, I hope he can return the machine, because nobody is going to hire someone with no credentials or history in a tiny stuffy office or in some random person’s house as a personal trainer.”
“Not to mention that he’s trying to build a business off of ONE machine? Honestly, he needs a life coach or something to explain this all to him, because coming from his wife or a friend, he might just be reading that as a lack of support and possibly concern for if he fails, and not the actual facts that it’s an objectively horrible, incredibly stupid idea.” ~ Ecstatic-Ad-5076
It’s the thought, and the effort, that counts.
But as many pointed out, this is likely about more than just the soap.