Being excluded by your family when it comes time to hand out gifts can be very upsetting. Watching everyone else enjoy their gifts while you sit there empty-handed.
But is it a justification to not buy gifts for the people who excluded you?
A wife and mother is pondering that question and turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Mineralisedpuppies asked:
“AITA for refusing to get the in-laws souvenirs?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My partner’s (42, male) family went on some big trips over the Christmas holidays. His sister went all around Europe with her new fiancé, and his parents and another sister went on a two-week cruise around the Caribbean.”
“Before they left, I (42, female) hosted them at my house for a lot of dinners and outings.”
“Then, when they returned, we all met at the sister’s house that went to Europe. Their holidays pretty much started and ended around the same time.”
“So we went there for breakfast, and they started pulling out gifts for everyone. My partner and I have an 18-year-old son.”
“They put some things on the table and say it’s for him, then gifts for my partner, and then gifts for everyone else. And not one thing for me from anyone.”
“It hurt, but whatever. My mother-in-law (MIL) then made a comment saying, ‘Next time you visit, I’ll get you something’ because she must have noticed I was empty-handed. I just ignored her, and we left soon after.”
“Now I’m going to China next week with my dad, and I made a joke to my partner about how I will be saving money by not getting his family any souvenirs, and he said I was being petty. I refused to give in, and he said I should just get them something because they probably didn’t even notice that they left me out.”
“But honestly, I want to invite them over just to show them the cool souvenirs I got for my family only.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I refused to get my in-laws souvenirs when I go to China because they didn’t get me anything. It can be deemed as petty or mean-spirited.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Your husband, ‘he said I should just get them something because they probably didn’t even notice that they left me out’.”
“Which is exactly the problem. Good lord. NTA.” ~ Intelligent-Deal2449
“Yeah, how did they forget about you supposed to be better?” ~ Ok-Cheetah-9125
“NTA. Tell them what they told you—’next time I’ll get you something’.”
“Your husband telling you that you are being petty is him saying that it is easier to deal with you being upset than dealing with his family being upset when he should have your back and be explaining to them how they hurt your feelings and how rude they were.” ~ bamf1701
“Just means husband is now responsible for buying all souvenirs, birthday, and holiday gifts for his family from now on. Problem solved.” ~ Ok_Day_8559
“Would his family even be upset? They don’t seem to be close enough with OP to feel entitled to anything.”
“Do they even know about the trip?” ~ mouse_attack
“NTA. His family set the unspoken rule that you and they don’t exchange souvenirs, so don’t get them anything. Your partner is welcome to buy his family souvenirs when he travels.”
“Also, if you’re the one who does all the planning, shopping, and wrapping for gifts for his family at holidays and birthdays, stop. Let your partner take care of his family.” ~ teresajs
“The correct answer to ‘did you bring us anything’ if it comes up at all is a puzzled look and, ‘but we established last month that you and I don’t exchange souvenirs?'”
“The _actual_ problem is that multiple people felt comfortable ignoring you, but including your adult child. We can’t tell from this post what caused that problem, but that’s the thing to fix, not…trinket counting.” ~ OneCraftyBird
“Sometimes you just have to be the AH to teach people a lesson.”
“Although, if I was in your shoes, I’d get them something, but much cheaper than the souvenirs for your family. That way you can proudly say ‘nobody leaves empty- handed from my house!’, but it will be insulting that the souvenirs are cheaper.” ~ Odd_Tea4945
“If your husband insists they all have to have a souvenir, get them all the exact same cheap, tacky keychain. Then act like it’s a big deal you remembered them when everyone forgot you.” ~ MohawMais
“This! If there are children, I’d get them not crappy things, but the adults? The same cheapest thing for each one of them. NTA and enjoy your trip!” ~ Sufficient-Produce85
“Petty maybe, but NTA. It was rude of them not to get you anything! I would have realized and taken a gift I’d planned to give to someone else who had multiples and given it to you. Or given you something I’d bought myself.” ~ IHaveBoxerDogs
“Get the adults a picture of OP in front of a historical monument and give them all the same picture. So they won’t forget her.” ~ NOTRadagon
“She doesn’t need to get them anything at all, but don’t invite them over to show off the souvenirs she got her family to show off. Just move on. In the end she’s gonna have to be civil with these people. Just distance quietly.”
“If there’s more to the story of regular mistreatment/forgetfulness, then consider going little to no contact, but if it’s just some souvenirs, it’s not that deep.” ~ Alternative_Sink_490
“NTA, although I do wish there was an option for ‘justified a**hole’ on this sub!”
“But is this a symptom of a larger problem? Do they treat you like this all the time? Are you often left out of things?”
“This seems like a very deliberate snub, and if this sort of thing has been going on for a while, then your husband should definitely have nipped it in the bud by now. If he hasn’t, you’ve got more problems than a few souvenirs.” ~ MoxieOHara
“NTA, just use that money that you would have spent on them to treat yourself to delicious food to try.”
“Buy your souvenirs for the people you choose to get them for, but you don’t need to invite the in-laws over to rub it in their face.” ~ CODE_NAME_DUCKY
“NTA. Don’t prioritize people who forget about you. Plus, schlepping an extra suitcase full of crap no one needs across the world is annoying.”
“When I met my partner, I found out his family does not do gifts at all. We have dinners and get together for holidays and birthdays. It’s wonderful! His mother will randomly buy me thoughtful things with no expectation other than a thank you. I do the same for her.” ~ tarzanacide
“NTA and I would add not petty, either. In a room full of adults, not one of them remembered you? That’s so out there it must have been intentional.”
“Or, I don’t know, maybe every single person not remembering you is even worse than intentionally slighting you? Either way, get something for kids and skip all the adults.” ~ RobertBlackCollege
“Why the f*ck would you get his family any souvenirs from YOUR trip? The only ones who should get anything from that trip are you and your son. Not even your husband needs a souvenir, seeing as those are gestures of goodwill, and he and his family seem to have none of that to give to you. NTA.” ~ mountain_mists
“If they had just gifted your 18-year-old, it would have been one thing, but the fact that they gave something to your partner and not you is so odd. We usually do a household gift and things for kids if they’re young because getting something for every individual is often not doable.” ~ PrincessFullMoon
“NTA. Is it petty? You’re dang right it is! I would like to point out that they commented that you were left out and that next time they would include you.”
“If it was done on purpose, that’s a pretty crummy thing to do. If it was by accident, just imagine how you would rank that they would get gifts for your child and your partner and just forget you.”
“So yeah. Be petty. Share the wealth.” ~ Snickerdoodle2021
“NTA. OP, do not get your in-laws anything. They showed you how much you meant to them. They cannot say they didn’t think about you since they got gifts for your husband and son. As if you wouldn’t come up in that combo. You owe them nothing and should act accordingly.”
“You should think about the way you spend your time. How much time do you spend with your in-laws? Do you really want to continue to spend that much time with them? Do you want to spend any time with them? Why would you? They don’t think of you as family, otherwise, you’d have a souvenir yourself. They all forgot..that’s not an accident, that’s a statement.” ~ Blossom74s
OP was excluded for some reason by every member of her husband’s family. That seems less like a mistake and more like a message.