People with unusual names often get pushback from people who claim their name is too hard to say or spell.
But what if someone claims their name is a profanity or a slur in another language? Should the person be forced to change their name to accommodate one person.
A woman dealing with this at work turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Throwawayrella asked:
“AITA for refusing to use an English name?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m 20, female and I’m ethnically Korean, but grew up bouncing around different countries due to my parents’ job. My friend said that I’m ‘passively bilingual’ in that I understand when my grandparents speak Korean to me, but I struggle to respond.”
“Forget about reading or writing. My parents both grew up in the US and the grandparents I have left speak English, so my bad Korean never caused any communication problems.”
“My parents gave me a ‘Korean name’ and never gave me an ‘English name’ (who knows why) even though a lot of ABCs usually go by an English name at school or work. This is fine by me, I like my name and yeah it sucked when some teachers got it wrong growing up, but that’s life.”
“Now here’s the problem: I started a part time job and there’s another girl working there, Emma (fake name, maybe 25ishf?), is uncomfortable because of my name.”
“Thing is, Emma is Muslim and takes her religion really seriously (she wears the hijab, prays at work) and apparently my name means something bad in her religion? She doesn’t call me by my name, it’s always ‘hey you’ or something like that.”
“She recently complained to our manager, Jen (who really is just our equal with a nicer title) that my name is insulting to her religion. The two of them basically cornered me in the break room and asked if I can go by a nickname or an ‘English name’.”
“I said no, obviously, but Emma and Jen think I’m ‘not respectful of Emma’s religion, it’s not a big deal to use an English name since so many Asians do, and it’s not like I speak Korean or anything’.”
“I’m not sure if this is a hill worth dying on, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to go by another name.
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I spoke with my friend and she also thinks that since I don’t actually speak Korean or really have any ties to Korea other than my grandparents and my name, I should be more accommodating to Emma.”
“Like I guess I can go by a nickname but I just don’t want to.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“You’re NTA. ‘Emma is uncomfortable because of my name’. Tough crap. That’s her problem.”
“‘I’m not sure if this is a hill worth dying on, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to go by another name?’.” Yes, it is. The world doesn’t have to bend over to accommodate what makes the Emmas of the world feel ‘uncomfortable’.” ~ D-headforever
“I would go back to Manager Jen and tell them that Emma being hostile to their birth given name is creating a hostile work environment and is disrespectful to them and their culture.”
“And point out that it is not them making this an issue; Emma is the one actively causing the problem; they are just trying to exist. Put the shoe on the other foot.” ~ ArenSteele
“Do not take this to the manager. Take this to HR and let them know your manager is harassing you about your name.” ~ Puzzleheaded_Bag4576
“Sounds like a small company, but you are absolutely right. If there’s an HR department, go to them ASAP first is best.”
“If there is no HR department, go to the level above Jen, and be prepared to contact a labor lawyer if there’s retaliation.” ~ ArenSteele
“Well, if it’s a small company, that’s even better to go directly to the owner or the main manager because, as someone who’s had to manage businesses before, the last thing you need is a lawsuit for a hostile work environment which is what this creates.”
“She has a name that she goes by. That is her name. Their religion does not determine whether that name is acceptable.” ~ jmkent1991
“Them bringing up that ‘lots of Asians go by English names’ is such a blatantly racist way of thinking in my opinion. Immigrants as a whole started using English names because people in this country spurn anything different or difficult for them instead of being accommodating or willing to respect others differences.”
“Them wanting you to change your name because ‘other Asians do it’ is honestly something you can bring to your higher ups as well.”
“Tell them, ‘Just because other Asians do, that means I should be like every other Asian? How closed minded’.”
“Or better yet, you could point out that Asians only started doing this to avoid racism and oppression and to more easily integrate into a society rigged against them. You’d think someone with a culture also discriminated against would have a better outlook on this stuff.” ~ AzzyDarling
“Suggest Emma become Christian so your name won’t bother her. I mean, lots of Americans are Christian.” ~ saarsalim
“Not to even mention that OP’s name doesn’t actually mean anything bad in English. Just something in a different foreign language that isn’t one of the officially used languages used at work! Why should one language get any priority over the other?”
“Why should something as personal as a name even be accommodated to someone else’s religion? Religion being something that isn’t really such a public and official matter as a legal name.”
“You don’t need to go to any kind of office or court to change your religion. You do have to do that if you want to change your name. The two don’t even compare.”
“One is a completely private matter. The other is your legal identity. Emma can bugger off. NTA.” ~ Gamer_Mommy
“Jen is a manager? Go to her boss. Emma is refusing to use your name and making work weird, and now the other boss is trying to get you to change your name, and it’s racist to assume that Asian people will change their name.”
“It’s not even like they asked if you had a nickname, then just told you to come up with a brand new name, like that is an acceptable request. Flatly say it’s racist and point out you’re Korean, not Chinese. That’s only common among Chinese diaspora. You’re not Chinese.”
“Your boss may care, they may brush it under the rug. If they’re smart, Jen will apologize to you and never mention it again, and Emma will be told she can be as religious as she wants but can’t make people change their names.”
“Wait until she meets a Bích (pronounced Bic, and is a lovely name that translates to Jade in English) or Porntip. Or Kittiporn. Or Kittisak. Fanny means butt. (Or vagina, depending on where you are.)”
“Flora is a normal name meaning flower. It’s Flor in other languages and looks silly in English. Still a name. Normal name. She needs to get over herself. Has she never met anyone named Anne? It sounds like the word for shit in Persian. Oh, well.” ~ DefinitelyNotAliens
“That’s the first thing that crossed my mind. The manager is joining in the hostility! That’s bad managing.”
“Emma should be smart enough to tell the difference between a Korean name and a bad word. Apparently, she isn’t.” ~ Mouse-Patrol
“Go to HR or corporate or whoever. This is WILDLY racist and in an effort to avoid offending one person the manager is offending another.”
“My friend had a coworker named Phuc. Pronounced as ‘fuc’. It made her uncomfortable to say it, but she did every time. Your coworker is gonna have to deal.” ~ Suspiciouscupcake23
“Fun fact: Ann/Anne in Persian sounds similar to sh*t. Lots of languages have a name that sounds silly or inappropriate in other languages. You just show base level respect and do nothing. It’s easy.” ~ DefinitelyNotAliens
“OP could easily accuse Emma of xenophobia. Just to match up with the religious excuse Emma has thrown out there. If I lived in another country and someone’s name was pronounced, let’s say F*ck, I would call them by their name. It’s not their fault that’s a ‘bad’ word in other cultures.” ~ Commercial-Place6793
The OP provided a short update.
“I just got back to this post and I’m blown away by everyone’s support and wisdom. Thank you all. I’m reading all of your comments and will think about what I will do next.”
“I definitely do NOT wanna cave at this point. Some people have correctly guessed my name, and I’m near tears over the sweet messages you’ve sent about it. Thank you again.”
It’s unreasonable to ask a person to change their name for another person’s comfort.
And the justification provided by the manager is unacceptable and probably violates several workplace rules about discrimination.