Stories have the power to move us emotionally as we find ourselves getting invested in our favorite characters and outcomes.
This is especially true of games like Dungeons & Dragons, where players invest so much of themselves and their time into their characters and world.
A parent found themselves in a real-life conflict after playing D&D with their daughter.
Their campaign took a turn and introduced an emotional lesson that one mother would have preferred to avoid.
Did this parent go too far?
They wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA? I made my daughter (11) cry during D&D. Even though everything turned out OK, my wife is still mad.
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Background: I have been running a 3-year-old D[ungeons] & D[ragons] game for my daughter (11)."
"I play all other characters, including her party members of 5: started out their adventure as petty thieves but are now heroes, all with their own character growth over time."
"Her character learned early that she was the target of a Dark God that had severed her soul from her body (important context)."
"She and her band of reformed heroes have spent many sessions thwarting a Hag."
"Finally, the hag kidnaps a young girl who is friends with the party."
"We started our D&D session last night, and my wife is present in the room: I narrate the events in her game."
"The party finds what they think is the hag's lair and is prepared for an epic fight to save the child, only to find the lair abandoned with the girl in a magical prison and a letter from the hag."
"The letter indicates that the magical trap will soon kill the girl and that she (My daughter's character) must 'choose her sorrow.'"
"The girl will be freed on the condition that 2 of her companions are sacrificed, or her life alone is sacrificed."
"They attempt a variety of methods to try to break the trap."
"Her companions range from efforts to break it to resignation to be the one to sacrifice."
"These are characters I have been playing for my daughter for years, and she has grown to love them."
"My daughter starts quietly sobbing as she realizes there isn't anything her character can do."
"My wife sees and hears all of this."
"I let her (11) feel the range of emotions as she is in what seems to be an impossible situation."
"I tell her that while she does have companions who said they were willing, she could decide that this is where her character's story ends in a heroic sacrifice."
"She starts sobbing."
"This would mean a permanent end to a 3-year story."
"I ask her if she wants to take a break to think."
"She nods and goes to her room."
"My wife then, clearly upset, tells me that I should not have done this and to present her with a solution that doesn't have consequences."
"I didn't want to cheapen the gravity of the story."
"I go to my daughter's room and ask how she is."
"Tearfully, she says she knows what she will do."
"We start the game again, and she announces in character that she couldn't live with herself if she let her friends die, and touches the hag device that will kill her."
"I change the music to an ethereal soundtrack and narrate her seeing herself as if outside her body, and the sacrifice she was willing to make restores her shattered soul with such magnitude and force that it breaks the Hag's trap, and her character feels an overwhelming sense of wholeness as her soul heals with this act of sacrifice."
"I see my daughters' visible shock, relief, and then joy as I narrate the captured girl released and her own life and soul intact, having broken the Hag's magic."
"She jumps from her chair and hugs me, sobbing."
"I'm crying too."
"I'm not sure my wife has forgiven me, though."
"She is really mad I put our daughter through this."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"That is a darker theme that would likely be rated PG-13 if it were in a movie."
"And anything in a 3-year campaign carries much more impact than a movie."
"In my opinion, the theme is too mature for an 11-year-old."
"Maybe a 14-year-old would be ready for it."
"Soft YTA." ~ AintAintAW0rd
"In my opinion, this is a clear YTA, not only a soft one."
"What was the point of this?"
"What was she supposed to learn from this?"
"To force this on someone after three years of playing as that character is cruel, especially for an 11-year-old, and on top of that, your daughter."
"What do you think this will achieve?"
"It's traumatic, that's what it is."
"And most likely your daughter will not continue playing, and even if she will, she will not be able to do it with the same sense of joy or security."
"And your reply about wanting to cheapen the gravity of the story, what kind of BS is that?"
"For whom did you do this?"
"Not for your daughter."
'She's 11, way too young to be forced to do something like that with a character she built over 3 years, and others in the comments who say it was only dnd and she was not hurt for real, have you heard about psychological pain?"
"I'm an adult and would have been devastated if I had been forced to do that just so the guy who runs the game could feel important or as he taught 'life lessons' or whatever your bullshit reason was."
"And to your 11-year-old daughter. Evil."
"As the wife, there is no way whatsoever I would forgive that; it would rather push me towards really considering who I married and if I want to continue being married to someone like that." ~ Skeppsvarv
"I'm the type who tends to miss the forest for the trees... first thing I thought was 'Wow DM, way to railroad your player into forcing an outcome you wanted.'"
"I didn't even think about the kid part... lol."
"I mean, at the end of the day, OP took away her agency and made his child cry from deep emotional stress."
"She wouldn't have cried if he hadn't purposefully taken something away from her. "
"If that's his idea of bonding, I feel sorry for his kid." ~ godihatepeople
"YTA. Even if this wasn't about an 11-year-old, this is the worst kind of DMing because you're forcing a tone that you want rather than what your players want."
"If, as a DM, you see your players are getting genuinely upset, the smart thing to do is change tactics to keep the game going."
"Your daughter was getting distressed, and you were forcing a cruel decision onto her shoulders that she clearly wasn't ready to deal with."
"You need to apologize to her and give some thought as to why you couldn't change direction so that she would continue to enjoy the game."
"From her perspective, you betrayed the social contract that your game was built on."
"You had only one solution to a puzzle deliberately set up so that there was only one viable choice, and it was a hokey hero sacrifice decision."
"This is bad DMing."
"Role-playing is a collaborative experience, and a good DM rewards creativity and avoids railroading their players."
"You are not teaching that decisions have consequences."
"You are cheapening sacrifice by pushing the idea that trying to find other solutions is a waste of time."
"All in all, it wasn't a learning moment; you were just pushing a restrictive personal ideology on your daughter rather than telling a good story."
"Just really poor form... in my honest opinion." ~ Evinshir
"Agree. This is some serious emotional manipulation."
"OP needs to take a hard look at himself."
"11-year-old kids do encounter stressful and wrenching real-life situations."
"They can cry in movies and over books."
"But this was over the top control over her emotional landscape that borders on pathological."
"Dad is making himself the giver and remover of pain."
"He's giving her a trauma bond and grooming her to expect that kind of abuse/consolation cycle from men."
"Not not not ok." ~ REDDIT
"Look... I see what you were trying to do."
"I would even argue that you were successful in teaching your daughter a valuable life lesson."
"It was a wonderful bit of storytelling that I'm sure she will remember for years to come."
"Now. Having said that."
"You made your daughter cry."
"You intentionally inflicted emotional pain on her for a narrative arc."
"You. You did that."
"To your daughter, whom I assume you love."
"D&D is supposed to be about having a fun narrative experience with friends and family."
"Key word FUN."
"Do you think she was having fun when she ran to her room crying?"
"You sound like a great DM, but I don't know if in this instance you were a great father."
"For that, and that alone, YTA." ~ Avarenda
"Don't Kobayashi Maru your own child, you a**hole."
"This campaign is far more about how clever you are than it is about your child."
"I'm sorry you can't find anyone to play with you, so you have to play 5 characters and force your child to play one, but that's your problem, not hers. YTA." ~ DaveyDumplings
"11 seems a little young for this."
"I would be on your side if she were 15."
"Also, I would think it more reasonable if she had only been playing this campaign for a short time."
"But these are characters she's been really closely attached to since she was 8."
"So YTA." ~ NapalmAxolotl
"Putting an 11-year-old in a no-win scenario after she spent three years with a character seems like going a little too far."
"It seems like this would be an amazing experience at 14, but at 11, I don't know."
"I vote soft YTA."
"This entire thread is moot; convincing mom is the real challenge, one I don't envy at all."
"Good luck." ~ Ut_Prosim
There is a lot to unpack here, OP.
A lot of Reddit does not agree with your actions.
This is a lot of emotional baggage to throw at an 11-year-old.
Have a serious chat with your wife and check in with your daughter.
You weren't trying to be mean, but... it could come off as a bit traumatic.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp