As a parent, planning a celebratory occasion for a child is exciting.
However, unexpected hiccups along the way while trying to please everyone involved can be very daunting.
One mother who found herself at odds with her in-laws when planning for a cultural rite of passage for her daughter struggled with an unpopular decision that led her to the “Am I the A**hole?” subReddit.
Redditor ApprehensiveDream588 asked:
“AITA for canceling a Quinceañera?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Back story. Me an American mother married my ex right out of high school. We have 2 kids together.”
“My ex suffered from a terminal illness and passed away his family, however, has hated me from the beginning and alienated me even when I wanted to be there for him while he was sick.”
“They never made me feel comfortable, welcome or respected but they have continued to see the children. With that being said, my daughters Quinceañera is coming up and they have completely left me and my family out of the plans of it.”
“I have looked forward to this since I found out we were having a girl.”
“I do not want them to serve alcohol since it is a 15 year year-old’s party I would like to be included in the plans, but they have left me out completely.”
“Her father very clearly stated years ago that her dress should be white when this point was brought up it was completely ignored.”
She continued conveying her frustration.
“I feel like they are treating me as if I have also passed. This is my child and i want her to have her party but I do not want her to have a party that does not include me and disrespects the wishes of her late father.
“Am I the a**hole if I tell her she can’t have it if the only two things requested from me and her father are not respected.”
“I have already decided that due to not being welcome, I will not be attending as the deep-seated hatred his family has towards me would ruin her day.”
“I would throw her another Quinceañera party but my American family does not support me in this stating ‘it’s not our culture.’ Am I the a**hole for saying she can’t have Her quinceanera because they refused to not serve alcohol and her dresses a color her dad did not want?”
“She can have the party. The only thing I ask is that her dress be white at the church. She can have a color at the party and no Alcohol.”
“The way i see it is that of they are so stuck on serving alcohol the party isn’t truly for her anyway.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought, “You’re the a**hole” (YTA) here.
“YTA – after reading all of your comments, this is all about you. It’s unfortunate that your husband died but life has moved on and your daughter appears to want different things.”
“IF he had been alive then it would be different but he is not. Don’t lose your daughter over this because you are making this about your reality and that does not exist.”
“Also, the fact that you skip weddings or dinners at restaurants that serve alcohol is again what makes this more about you. You keep referencing the hatred his family has towards you but you aren’t accepting societal norms which then makes you an A**H***.”
“Let your daughter have this and let go, Mom.” – lux_semois
“YTA. You go on and on about people following the rules you set for your child. However, that’s your problem.”
“The only one that you’re concerned about is yourself and what you want. Not once do I see you being considerate of how your daughter feels or what she wants.”
“Because in truth, this day is about her. Not you or what your husband wanted. So stop being so controlling and let her have this moment.” – Old_Inevitable8553
“YTA. You can micromanage her Quince as much as you want but you’re clearly only driving a bigger wedge between your children and their Dad’s side of the family.”
“You also sound so rigid about respect (always a red flag) that I think you are going to be in for a rude awakening when your daughter is old Enos to leave your home and have her own relationship with the other side of her family without you controlling everything you can.”
“It’s incredibly obvious why your in-laws do not include you.” – Open-Incident-3601
“Yep YTA, preventing your child from being exposed to a certain class of drinks, that are risky in high quantities, means that your child will be in uncharted territory and potentially having to learn alone which is risky so this comes across as very controlling and helicopter.” – Hyper__Rainbow
“YTA big time—a raging AH from the comments. You are basically throwing a fit bc you aren’t getting what YOU want. It’s gonna be at the expense of her special day and her relationship either with her dad’s family or with you if you keep this up.”
“You have the responsibility to teach your daughter about making responsible choices as far as alcohol goes. You don’t get to dictate what others do in social settings in any case unless you are throwing the party. Unless they want you to foot the bill for an open bar it’s not your business.”
“There is nothing traditional about a white quince dress. It may have been her dad’s preferred color choice but he too would be an AH if he forced his choice on her. A quinceañera is basically a celebration of her coming into womanhood.”
“If you care about the tradition then lean into the meaning by letting her make some of the decisions. Otherwise, like others said, prepare for the resentment she will rightfully have against you, the AH.”
“Edit: I know already long sorry. But if op reads this again, I hope you got this far. I’ll try to keep as short as possible. You replied without addressing some things I mentioned so I went and read the comments you were replying to and you are so sus lady.”
“I am American like you and I am Mexican like your husband. I missed out on things your daughter doesn’t have to bc of my family’s relationships. You are so sure you are right. Please consider for a second that you aren’t. Think of your daughter and your relationship.” – Least_Tomatillo6979
“Look. As a Mexican girl, ALCOHOL IS A CULTURAL NORM FOR US. It is COMMON. ‘…party isn’t really for her.’ I promise you it is. You have to be open-minded that alcohol use varies per culture.”
“I see you’re worried that ‘your child might take a drink if alcohol is present.’ No. Not if you raised her correctly. I have grown up surrounded by alcohol all my life, my parents drink, my older brothers drink, my quinceñera and other parties always had alcohol. I had NEVER taken a drink growing up because my parents have made it clear what the rules and expectations are.”
“Also, you can tell her that her father had wanted white. You can’t FORCE her. A quinceñera is a big milestone, culturally especially, and the idea of someone, especially my parents, trying to control what color I CHOSE for MY PARTY celebrating ME, would have hurt me so much.”
“The party is not for you. It is for your daughter. Speaking from experience, you try and control this party to your wants, will lead to a rift between you and her. I can promise you that.” – irenefps
“YTA. Your rule about not being anywhere near alcohol will leave her not knowing how to handle herself around it when she goes out into the world and will absolutely not guarantee that she won’t drink it in the future. Probably make it more alluring.”
“And as far as the dress is concerned, insisting that she wear a white when she doesn’t want to is crazy. It’s not a strict requirement (source: online search). It’s her party, And quit blaming her dad for it.”
“I’m not sure how long ago he died, but he hadn’t even met his 15-year-old daughter when he said it. We don’t know what he would say now.” – yasposta
“YTA.”
“As a Mexican, the norm is that the girl picks her dress color and that is also the theme for the party, only a selfish parent would pick the color for their child. I have heard of parents forbidding black dresses but never imposing what they want before.”
“Alcohol is very normal for a quinceañera party, here in Mexico typically you divide the hall in two all the minors seat together in one side and the adults on the other side, that way the waiters know where to provide alcohol and where not to serve it. But I mean the alcohol is whatever, doubt your child cares about this one.” – Ketosheep
In an update, the OP made a clarification starting with a bible quote about parenting.
“Thank you, everyone, for your opinions. Although I agree with you, most of you completely missed the point that was made.”
“Anyway i found my answer in the good book . Proverbs 22:6, ‘Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it’ Romans 12:2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”
“Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
The OP continued:
“Update ‘the grandparents just called and there will be no alcohol’ she can have her party. !!!!!!”
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was out of line for making such a drastic decision that was potentially jeopardizing her bond with her daughter.
But in the end, it appeared the OP got her wish even though her in-laws acquiesced about not having alcohol at the party.
Hopefully, there will be no lingering resentment, and her daughter’s happiness at the party will become the main focus.