Traveling for destination weddings is not cheap.
Heck, these days, nothing about any wedding is cheap.
So sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made about personal expenses.
People may want to go to a wedding, but can everyone afford it?
Or are there other things that sound more interesting?
Not everyone is going to understand other people's decisions about choosing NOT to attend the event.
Redditor officialjan16 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not attending a colleague's wedding and telling a little lie as to why I'm not attending?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My colleague is getting married in a few months, and she has invited everyone on our team."
"She and I are the only Gen Z in the office and started around the same time, so we've always been closer to each other than everyone else."
"But I've always maintained boundaries and kept my personal life separate."
"The wedding is in her small town."
"To go, I would have to get time off, fly, then shuttle, and pay for accommodation and buy a gift."
"After the wedding, I am travelling to watch Oasis and I am then going to Japan."
"I need to save."
"I figured since I don't really wanna go and I need to save my money and we're not that close, it's not worth my spending around $2,000 on this."
"I didn't tell her I didn't want to go, I just told her I have a lot going on that same week."
"She said that's okay, and that was it."
"During my lunch break, I went to a cafe and my mum asked if I had told her, and I texted my mum about what happened."
"I didn't know another colleague was standing behind me reading my messages."
"When I came back to the office, said colleague had told everyone in our team what I had texted my mum."
"I told her that was very nosy and rude and none of her business."
"I apologized to the bride-to-be and told her I can't fork out that much money for her wedding when I have a lot going on in my life."
"She said it was chill and she gets it and we're good."
"It's everyone else who thinks I'm wrong for not going."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Whaaaaat... 2K on a COLLEAGUE'S wedding?"
"F**k that! NTA."
"Sounds like the bride is OK with your decision, so what anyone else thinks is entirely irrelevant." ~ TeenySod
"I wouldn't go to a colleague's wedding for free."
"Also, wouldn't spend $2k on going to a wedding for family."
"That I like. NTA." ~ FakeDoctorMeatCoat
"You should definitely report the nosy employee, as this person is creating a hostile environment."
"She needs to be made aware that people are not going to tolerate her behavior."
"Anyone who says that you should not report, then tell them if they accept that behavior, then it is on them for creating a toxic work environment, and that includes managers." ~ mayhembang
"$2k for a destination wedding?"
"That's for closest friends and family ~ not coworkers."
"Of course, your coworker was understanding (and probably glad to have a shorter guest list)."
"Need to hit up H[uman] R[esources] for the coworker reading your private texts and reporting them back to the office though ~ talk about BEYOND boundaries." ~ FiestyMum
"Firstly, you need to report to HR on that colleague who snooped and told everyone, that's some f**ked up s**t that they had no right to do."
"Secondly, NTA, why the hell would you pay so much to go to a colleague's wedding?"
"Plus, it seems your colleague understood, so you probably didn't need to lie about it in the first place." ~ Hot-Environment3503
"Honestly, I feel like these types of invitations are just gift grabs."
"They know you won't go, but that you'll probably send a gift."
"Happened to me once."
"Got invited to a baby shower."
"I didn't know anyone there, except the person who invited me."
"Of course, I brought a gift, but I was uncomfortable the whole time."
"Never heard back from them."
"Not a thank you, nothing."
"OP is NTA." ~Capable_Restaurant11
"NTA, but your coworker absolutely is."
"Not only reading your messages, but then announcing that to everyone?"
"Who is that supposed to benefit?"
"All that does is maybe make the bride feel bad."
"Your coworker sucks." ~ gcot802
"You didn't lie."
"You said you have a lot going on that week."
"You do."
"You have to save for your trip and prep for your trip."
"You don't owe an explanation because it isn't financially feasible for you."
"And the bride clearly understands that it's a lot to ask for you to travel and spend money to attend her wedding, and she seems to understand and be completely okay with it."
"No one else's opinion matters."
"If it helps at all, I think the people who think you're wrong are insane. "
"No one wants to drop 2k on an acquaintance's wedding. Ridiculous." ~ anxiouslucy
"NTA, this is so weird."
"Who invites all their coworkers to what essentially amounts to a destination wedding for them?"
"This seems like what I'll call a 'courtesy' invitation, or in other words, a money grab, knowing most people won't go but will feel obligated to send a gift."
"I'd have no problem just RSVPing 'no' and it's optional if you want to send a gift, especially when you're just coworkers."
"The coworker who eavesdropped and then ran her mouth is someone you definitely avoid as much as possible, as clearly she's a bad gossip and can't be trusted… ever."
"As others have suggested, I'd consider reporting her actions to HR as she's deliberately creating a toxic workplace." ~ Mirvb
"NTA. Your coworker (bride) seems cool and level-headed."
"The other coworker (rat) is A HUGE AH."
"You should not feel bad for not attending.'
"Weddings are a burden to people, and it's your right to refuse." ~ Missytb40
"NTA, what a rude little person, you already had plans, and you owe her nothing."
"F**k it could have been your own family and your already made plans would have come first because you'd probably lose out on a bunch of money cancelling."
"I would go to HR just to have it on record that she read your personal texts without permission and then used them to spread a negative image of you in the workplace, creating a hostile environment where it is now harder to do your work." ~ spid3rham90
"NTA - I'm sure your colleague only invited you and the rest of your team to be polite, and wasn't really expecting anyone to RSVP, yes."
"Your nosy co-worker is an a**hole to eavesdrop and then spread stupid gossip." ~ boomboombalatty
"NTA. The bride is chill with it."
"Go enjoy Oasis and Japan, and if you want, get the bride a small gift to celebrate her wedding." ~ ivylass
"NTA. You didn't want to go and aren't close to this coworker."
"The other one who scooped and eavesdropped on your text message was completely out of line."
"That was a personal, private discussion."
"Report them to HR as a hostile work environment." ~ WholeAd2742
"NTA. Reading someone's texts is totally out of line."
"A wedding invitation is a nice gesture, it's not an order."
"It's totally fine not to go to a coworker's wedding for ANY reason, but I wouldn't be able to spend 2k even on my best friend's weddings." ~ sweadle
"Of course, you're not wrong for not going."
"You don't actually think you might be, do you?"
"I wouldn't spend that money and travel for a friend's wedding, except perhaps my best friend, only if I could afford it comfortably, much less a colleague."
"I'd have a huge issue with the nosy coworker reading your messages."
"I'd report that one to HR." ~ Solid-Musician-8476
"NTA. That other colleague who was looking over your shoulder and reading your texts needs to be reported."
"The 95% truth rule means 95%, not stalking people's texts to get 100% from everyone else."
"If someone has something going on or just doesn't want to go, that's their choice, so let them cushion everyone else's mood while maintaining their position." ~ EternalThunderstorm8
"NTA. I doubt any work colleague would expect attendance at their (nowhere nearby) wedding."
"It's a little more likely if you live in a small town and the venue is there."
"The nosey-parker tattletale, though, deserves to be ostracized and undermined at the next opportunity." ~ Safe_Roof_2336
"NTA. The only AH in this story is the colleague who's reading other people's messages over their shoulder and then going around and blabbing to everyone like they're 5 years old."
"It's not even that person's wedding, so why you weren't going was absolutely none of their business."
"Definitely report them, maybe if they face some kind of trouble for their actions, they'll learn to stay out of other people's business." ~ DriftingLily9
"NTA. Spending $2,000 is excessive and unnecessary."
"You should not be expected to spend so much money on a wedding."
"If you do not wish to go, you should simply tell her that you don't want to spend money you want to save."
"Additionally, a colleague invading your privacy and informing others of a private conversation should not be tolerated."
"To me, that shows a lack of respect."
"You should report that colleague's behavior." ~ UltraDRex
"NTA. Don't apologize."
"You are fine not to go."
"And the other colleague is an AH." ~ k23_k23
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your co-worker's behavior is outrageous!
This definitely calls for a chat with HR.
How dare they invade your privacy?
And then spill all of your personal tea?
Some people are just mean.
If the bride's ok, it's nobody else's business.
And even if she wasn't ok, it's your life.
Good Luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.