When it comes to jokes and a sense of humor, on a personal level, not everyone is going to see eye to eye.
What one person sees as comedy gold, another sees as crass behavior.
This can make for a lot of tension in personal relationships.
It can be especially difficult with trying to keep the peace within families.
Redditor Thr0wAwayFrisbee wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITAH for telling my FIL he can't hump the floor at my house or in my presence?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Crazy title, and I wish it weren't true, but here we are."
"Unfortunately, I'm asking because I'm possibly in a state of being gaslit, OR I actually can't take a joke, and I can't see it."
"My F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] (late 50s) is known for being VERY playful - goofy, some would even say."
"Well him, my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] (late 50s) and 3 sibling I[n]-L[aws] (20 M[ale] and 27 M, 28 F[eamle]-married couple) came to stay with my husband and I at our home (28F,30M) and to see our new L[ittle] O[ne] (7 months)."
"Well, LO was put to bed and we were all in the living room area hanging out, doing stretches, just casually talking, when FIL decided it would be funny to start humping the ground out of nowhere."
"And unfortunately, it was directly in front of me (not MIL)."
"MIL and I looked at each other in shock while his children all laughed and chuckled."
"FIL made it clear that the gesture was meant for his wife, despite it being directly in front of me (with eye contact), so we dropped it."
"The night passed, they left town, and after a few days of not being able to shake the image in my head, I decided to talk with my husband about how uncomfortable it made me, ALONG WITH other sexual jokes he makes about us all being married, etc."
"There's been this big divide now on how I'm always ruining the fun, how it was 'just a joke' and not a sexual gesture, and how I'll always find a problem when my husband's family is in town."
"His family thinks this, however, when I speak with my mom, sister, cousins, and anyone on my side of the world, they see his 'joke(s)' and 'gesture' as totally inappropriate."
"My FIL tried to make the point that I've done TikTok dances in his home with the other sibling in laws and my husband and he's never felt uncomfortable because he knows they're harmless and that it's not fair for me to judge him about this vs knowing his intent (which was to just make a joke)."
"My point is, even though I'm not on TikTok and I don't post videos, everything I've done is postable; his slow stroking the ground is not."
"My husband got mad at me for not seeing it as a joke, and so did the other married siblings who were in the room, who FIL raised."
"I genuinely would appreciate feedback because I plan to have another conversation soon, and I want to know that I'm coming into the conversation grounded in reality."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITAH for saying that my FIL humping the floor in my home/presence made me uncomfortable and drawing that boundary?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your in-laws are weird af for enabling this behavior."
"Your husband is weird for getting upset you didn't 'get the joke.'"
"Wtf. His father made you uncomfortable."
"I'd be sick to my stomach if I saw my FIL do that."
"And your husband's reaction is to get upset with you instead of addressing it with his dad? 👀 Gross."
"All around gross." ~ Pristine-Local-8176
"NTA, and they are upset mostly because they are embarrassed."
"They all know that sh**s weird, but you specifically calling their dad weird makes them have to deal with it." ~ Lethave
"This is all perception."
"Your husband and his siblings have obviously always had this 'humor' in their house as they've grown up."
"OP, your family did not."
"So your husband just sees this as normal, not inappropriate."
"You think it's strange because no one has ever done something like that in front of you."
"It's the same thing with so many types of abuse."
"You don't know it's not normal until you are around other families and see what 'normal' actually looks like."
"I'm not saying OP's husband grew up in an abusive household, but they definitely have an inappropriate sense of humor."
"Husband needs to learn what is actually appropriate and what's not."
"I like the idea of asking him why it's funny."
"It might make him realize it's not normal behavior." ~ justme7256
"NTA. You never have to apologize for telling someone not to hump your floor." ~ Allaboutbird
"NTA. I'd tell your husband, 'He looked me right in the eyes while physically making sexual thrusting movements right in front of me.'"
"'I don't care if he, you, or anyone else in your family finds it funny.'"
"'I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful, and he and you need to know that I don't want him physically making the motions of sexual intercourse while trying to maintain eye contact with me.'"
"'I don't take it as a joke, and I don't want that behavior forced on me. The same with sexual jokes about us 'all being married.'"
"Whatever his actual intentions are, it doesn't matter."
"It's coming across as creepy and disrespectful."
"ETA: This could be worded more strongly; sometimes less is more."
"If you focus on inappropriateness and disrespectfulness, it's hard for him to defensively blow off what you're saying if he instinctively wants to defend his father."
"The behavior itself is obviously sexual, and the eye contact is an important point to highlight, as surely that takes it over the line." ~ kurokomainu
"That would be his LAST visit to my home."
"Your husband is accustomed to such BS; that doesn't mean that you are or have to be. NTA." ~ BillDeSilvey
"They're refusing to accept the truth that it's nasty and weird because that would expose so much of their relationship with him that they've decided to package it as 'joking' and 'playful.'"
"If your husband agreed or admitted that you're right, he's making himself very vulnerable."
"So while you're obviously right, he kind of needs for this to be ok to avoid that sort of discomfort."
"He's going to have to work hard to overcome this level of cognitive bias."
"I hope by not backing down you can help, but I'd expect a lot of unfair pushback from them."
"Good luck." ~ portraithouseart
"NTA. When a joke falls flat, it's on the comedian for failing to read his audience."
"And that is weird."
"Not funny. Weird." ~ doublecheckthat
"NOBODY can tell you how to feel about something."
"If you think it was inappropriate, it was!"
"He sounds creepy, and his children enable his bad behavior. NTA." ~ Successfulwoman62
"NTA. That's f**king weird."
"And they're allll f**king weird for defending him."
"You're deeply uncomfortable and feel disrespected."
"That's what matters here. Ugh."
"I'd feel the same way."
"That's so inappropriate."
"It's crossing a big line."
"In YOUR home."
"Looking directly into your eyes?"
"What the f**k?"
"I'm sorry, OP."
"I hope your husband listens and grows the hell up."
"Does he often dismiss your feelings?" ~ landminephoenix
"NTA. I'm willing to bet he has made inappropriate jokes and gestures in front of the kids all his life."
"They accepted it as humor."
"If they start seeing it as humorless now, it would have to apply to all other inappropriate things he's done."
"Have a private conversation with your partner."
"Ask him about the history of his dad's behavior."
"This might be a very sensitive subject to broach."
"He might need to come to terms with the fact that his dad is a creep and has been his whole life." ~ NoRadish4622
"NTA. Always weird to me when women say 'hey this made me uncomfortable' and then their husband gets mad at them for it???"
"If that's how you feel, that's how you feel."
"He doesn't have to agree, but anger is a little red flaggy to me." ~ scrollgirl24
"I don't get the joke either, and I have a raunchy sense of humor."
"But I think I'd hold off on doing the TikTok dances around him."
"He is obviously paying some serious attention to how you're moving and thinks sexual moves are on par. NTA." ~ Impossible_Smile4113
"NTA. And based on your MIL's reaction in the moment, I suspect that if you could get her to really open up about it, she'd tell you that he's been doing this for the whole time they've been together and she's hated it the whole time." ~ Auld_Folks_at_Home
"NTA for finding it inappropriate and saying so."
"However... is he really going to do it again?"
"If not, then I struggle to see why it needs a load more conversation about it."
"Move on." ~ VardaElentari86
"NTA. He was directly in front of you, making eye contact."
"The only reason he said it was for MIL is because he could see you weren't laughing."
"Ask your husband if he would be okay with you giving his father a lap dance in underwear."
"There's something wrong here, and it ain't with you, girl."
"There are funny sexual innuendos, and then there's... whatever that was."
"I'd have asked him while he was doing it, what on earth he was doing, to please keep his stripper dance moves at home with his wife, you don't want to see that." ~ Cuddles_Kitteh
"NTA. His behavior was inappropriate." ~ bluetinycar
OP came back with an update... HERE.
That is quite the Update, OP.
There is so much to unpack here.
Where does one begin?
Reddit is on your side, though.
It's too bad your husband won't take a stronger chance.
But you have to protect yourself.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp