Traveling for destination weddings is not cheap.
Heck, these days, nothing about any wedding is cheap.
So sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made about personal expenses.
People may want to go to a wedding, but can everyone afford it?
Or are there other things that sound more interesting?
Not everyone is going to understand other people's decisions about choosing NOT to attend the event.
Redditor officialjan16 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not attending a colleague's wedding and telling a little lie as to why I'm not attending?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My colleague is getting married in a few months, and she has invited everyone on our team."
"She and I are the only Gen Z in the office and started around the same time, so we've always been closer to each other than everyone else."
"But I've always maintained boundaries and kept my personal life separate."
"The wedding is in her small town."
"To go, I would have to get time off, fly, then shuttle, and pay for accommodation and buy a gift."
"After the wedding, I am travelling to watch Oasis and I am then going to Japan."
"I need to save."
"I figured since I don't really wanna go and I need to save my money and we're not that close, it's not worth my spending around $2,000 on this."
"I didn't tell her I didn't want to go, I just told her I have a lot going on that same week."
"She said that's okay, and that was it."
"During my lunch break, I went to a cafe and my mum asked if I had told her, and I texted my mum about what happened."
"I didn't know another colleague was standing behind me reading my messages."
"When I came back to the office, said colleague had told everyone in our team what I had texted my mum."
"I told her that was very nosy and rude and none of her business."
"I apologized to the bride-to-be and told her I can't fork out that much money for her wedding when I have a lot going on in my life."
"She said it was chill and she gets it and we're good."
"It's everyone else who thinks I'm wrong for not going."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Whaaaaat... 2K on a COLLEAGUE'S wedding?"
"F**k that! NTA."
"Sounds like the bride is OK with your decision, so what anyone else thinks is entirely irrelevant." ~ TeenySod
"I wouldn't go to a colleague's wedding for free."
"Also, wouldn't spend $2k on going to a wedding for family."
"That I like. NTA." ~ FakeDoctorMeatCoat
"You should definitely report the nosy employee, as this person is creating a hostile environment."
"She needs to be made aware that people are not going to tolerate her behavior."
"Anyone who says that you should not report, then tell them if they accept that behavior, then it is on them for creating a toxic work environment, and that includes managers." ~ mayhembang
"$2k for a destination wedding?"
"That's for closest friends and family ~ not coworkers."
"Of course, your coworker was understanding (and probably glad to have a shorter guest list)."
"Need to hit up H[uman] R[esources] for the coworker reading your private texts and reporting them back to the office though ~ talk about BEYOND boundaries." ~ FiestyMum
"Firstly, you need to report to HR on that colleague who snooped and told everyone, that's some f**ked up s**t that they had no right to do."
"Secondly, NTA, why the hell would you pay so much to go to a colleague's wedding?"
"Plus, it seems your colleague understood, so you probably didn't need to lie about it in the first place." ~ Hot-Environment3503
"Honestly, I feel like these types of invitations are just gift grabs."
"They know you won't go, but that you'll probably send a gift."
"Happened to me once."
"Got invited to a baby shower."
"I didn't know anyone there, except the person who invited me."
"Of course, I brought a gift, but I was uncomfortable the whole time."
"Never heard back from them."
"Not a thank you, nothing."
"OP is NTA." ~Capable_Restaurant11
"NTA, but your coworker absolutely is."
"Not only reading your messages, but then announcing that to everyone?"
"Who is that supposed to benefit?"
"All that does is maybe make the bride feel bad."
"Your coworker sucks." ~ gcot802
"You didn't lie."
"You said you have a lot going on that week."
"You do."
"You have to save for your trip and prep for your trip."
"You don't owe an explanation because it isn't financially feasible for you."
"And the bride clearly understands that it's a lot to ask for you to travel and spend money to attend her wedding, and she seems to understand and be completely okay with it."
"No one else's opinion matters."
"If it helps at all, I think the people who think you're wrong are insane. "
"No one wants to drop 2k on an acquaintance's wedding. Ridiculous." ~ anxiouslucy
"NTA, this is so weird."
"Who invites all their coworkers to what essentially amounts to a destination wedding for them?"
"This seems like what I'll call a 'courtesy' invitation, or in other words, a money grab, knowing most people won't go but will feel obligated to send a gift."
"I'd have no problem just RSVPing 'no' and it's optional if you want to send a gift, especially when you're just coworkers."
"The coworker who eavesdropped and then ran her mouth is someone you definitely avoid as much as possible, as clearly she's a bad gossip and can't be trusted… ever."
"As others have suggested, I'd consider reporting her actions to HR as she's deliberately creating a toxic workplace." ~ Mirvb
"NTA. Your coworker (bride) seems cool and level-headed."
"The other coworker (rat) is A HUGE AH."
"You should not feel bad for not attending.'
"Weddings are a burden to people, and it's your right to refuse." ~ Missytb40
"NTA, what a rude little person, you already had plans, and you owe her nothing."
"F**k it could have been your own family and your already made plans would have come first because you'd probably lose out on a bunch of money cancelling."
"I would go to HR just to have it on record that she read your personal texts without permission and then used them to spread a negative image of you in the workplace, creating a hostile environment where it is now harder to do your work." ~ spid3rham90
"NTA - I'm sure your colleague only invited you and the rest of your team to be polite, and wasn't really expecting anyone to RSVP, yes."
"Your nosy co-worker is an a**hole to eavesdrop and then spread stupid gossip." ~ boomboombalatty
"NTA. The bride is chill with it."
"Go enjoy Oasis and Japan, and if you want, get the bride a small gift to celebrate her wedding." ~ ivylass
"NTA. You didn't want to go and aren't close to this coworker."
"The other one who scooped and eavesdropped on your text message was completely out of line."
"That was a personal, private discussion."
"Report them to HR as a hostile work environment." ~ WholeAd2742
"NTA. Reading someone's texts is totally out of line."
"A wedding invitation is a nice gesture, it's not an order."
"It's totally fine not to go to a coworker's wedding for ANY reason, but I wouldn't be able to spend 2k even on my best friend's weddings." ~ sweadle
"Of course, you're not wrong for not going."
"You don't actually think you might be, do you?"
"I wouldn't spend that money and travel for a friend's wedding, except perhaps my best friend, only if I could afford it comfortably, much less a colleague."
"I'd have a huge issue with the nosy coworker reading your messages."
"I'd report that one to HR." ~ Solid-Musician-8476
"NTA. That other colleague who was looking over your shoulder and reading your texts needs to be reported."
"The 95% truth rule means 95%, not stalking people's texts to get 100% from everyone else."
"If someone has something going on or just doesn't want to go, that's their choice, so let them cushion everyone else's mood while maintaining their position." ~ EternalThunderstorm8
"NTA. I doubt any work colleague would expect attendance at their (nowhere nearby) wedding."
"It's a little more likely if you live in a small town and the venue is there."
"The nosey-parker tattletale, though, deserves to be ostracized and undermined at the next opportunity." ~ Safe_Roof_2336
"NTA. The only AH in this story is the colleague who's reading other people's messages over their shoulder and then going around and blabbing to everyone like they're 5 years old."
"It's not even that person's wedding, so why you weren't going was absolutely none of their business."
"Definitely report them, maybe if they face some kind of trouble for their actions, they'll learn to stay out of other people's business." ~ DriftingLily9
"NTA. Spending $2,000 is excessive and unnecessary."
"You should not be expected to spend so much money on a wedding."
"If you do not wish to go, you should simply tell her that you don't want to spend money you want to save."
"Additionally, a colleague invading your privacy and informing others of a private conversation should not be tolerated."
"To me, that shows a lack of respect."
"You should report that colleague's behavior." ~ UltraDRex
"NTA. Don't apologize."
"You are fine not to go."
"And the other colleague is an AH." ~ k23_k23
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your co-worker's behavior is outrageous!
This definitely calls for a chat with HR.
How dare they invade your privacy?
And then spill all of your personal tea?
Some people are just mean.
If the bride's ok, it's nobody else's business.
And even if she wasn't ok, it's your life.
Good Luck.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.