Getting teenagers do you what you want can be an ornery situation.
Sometimes kids are just gonna be kids.
And that can be very frustrating to parents who are trying to do what is best.
But seeing eye to eye can be a difficult place to meet.
Case in point...
Redditor InevitableCricket901 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for making my 16-year-old daughter get a job?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (43 F[emale]) have 5 kids, but only Rachel (19 F), Rose (16 F) are important to this story."
"My kids are homeschooled."
"Rachel finished her A levels at 18 like a normal school but Rose finished her A levels at 16, she is unable to go to university straight away like Rachel as they only accept 18+."
"So instead of letting my daughter lie in bed all day, watching TV like she started off with (I let her have a month break because she's worked hard) I got tired of it."
"And told her it was time to get a job."
"It would look good for University, and she can start saving up some money for the future."
"She said she doesn't want a job, she knows the University will want her as she has perfect grades (A or A* in all four of her a levels)."
"I let her choose by herself for a month, but now I cannot deal with her lying in bed all day."
"I sat down with her and we made her University application together."
"I pointed out she has no work experience (gently might I add) and then she started telling me to get off her back and she will get a job soon."
"Rachel messaged me telling me that Rose is annoyed at me for always telling her to get a job, and how it is unrealistic to expect a 16-year-old to get a job."
"I am concerned I am TA because she is 16, but I don't think I am because she cannot expect to get into Uni just because of her grades."
"She needs some kind of work experience as well."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"Aren't 16-year-olds meant to do one of the following until they turn 18?"
"Stay in full-time education, for example at a college start an apprenticeship or traineeship."
"Spend 20 hours or more a week working or volunteering, while in part-time education or training." ~ No-Yam1369
"Homeschooled individuals can graduate as early as their work is completed."
"They are not required to be in school until 18."
"That is a misconception."
"There are plenty of kids that graduate high school at 15 or younger." ~ Dotty_Ford
"Oh, it's medicine."
"It is highly unlikely that good grades while homeschooling will get her a placement."
"Yet another reason not to homeschool your children, if you know they're interested in highly competitive programs like medicine, veterinary science, etc."
"Have them transfer and get the diploma or degree or qualifications from an actual school."
"They will be at a massive disadvantage to kids from traditional schools."
"The amount of work she'll have to do on her own to overcome this disadvantage is going to be intense."
"The fact that Mom is pushing her to just get a part-time job is part of the problem."
"She needs to be working towards getting any experience in or related to medicine she can."
"Volunteering, apprenticeships, both formal and informal experience." ~ SeasonPositive6771
"Volunteering looks even better than work unless the work is specific to the area of study."
"She should go and attend community college."
"It will help her get used to college courses (a bit)."
"And any additional time may be used for volunteering or work."
"In the meantime don't give her spending money it will probably encourage her to earn her own now that she has time to work." ~ mortgage_gurl
"Hi OP, I was home-educated in England (a couple of years ago, so this might be out of date)."
"I finished my exams early and was warned that if I went too many consecutive years without results, it would negatively impact my application to all higher education institutions."
"Please look into Pre-Us, additional A-Levels, or Foundation Degrees (if you are in an area without a university offering foundation degrees, Open University is good for this)."
"This is assuming that finances aren't a problem for your family and that your daughter is getting a job purely for her resume, not to contribute."
"Look into volunteering."
"Hours will be limited by law and she can jump from place to place and find out what she likes."
"Any volunteering is good, but she can try to tailor it to her potential degree."
"I wanted to do history and ended up working at a museum through University, thanks to volunteering there from 16 onwards."
"Also, if anyone from the council comes for an inspection, volunteering can be spun as an educational experience far more than most jobs you can get at 16."
"She can still get a job, though, since most places don't allow you to volunteer for more than 16 hours a week, otherwise you could claim to be an employee."
"This is incredibly harsh, but you need to get your daughter to understand that all As and A*s is not that rare."
"She needs to stand out from the crowd and just being home-schooled is not enough of a selling feature."
"She also (in my experience) will need to prove that she is able to play well with others."
"The first thing I was asked in interviews (work and education) when they saw 'home schooled' on my resume was always 'can you cope working around other people?/So you're anti-social?'"
"It's annoying, but she needs to work around the preconception."
"I hope this is helpful and not overstepping."
"Again, this is just my experience!"
"Good luck and well done to your daughter on her results!!!" ~ Surrounded_by_weird
"YTA. You may be correct, but you're going the wrong way about it."
"The post I'm replying to, OP, is gold, solid advice."
"Present this to your daughter tactfully and support her in a relevant paid role or volunteering scheme."
"Universities, and jobs too, want well-rounded applicants with soft skills, not just exam grades."
"In fact, you're more likely to be hired on soft skills than exam grades."
"I recently spent 10 years out of work caring for a disabled family member, and got back into the job market just last year."
"None of my places of employment still hold records about me, per United Kingdom data protection laws, and my qualifications were woefully out of date."
"How did I get the job?"
"My references were excellent, and detailed all the soft skills I had, and that the disabled family member is autistic, so I had experience dealing with 'difficult' people."
"But I'd kept my practical knowledge in the field up to date, and asked pertinent questions to their field of work."
"I stunned the interviewer by asking a question about F[iber] t[o] t[he] P[remises] internet."
"Turned out they were hiring for an exclusively FTTP service."
"And my existing knowledge of the technology involved, plus a 10/10 customer service question answer at the start of the interview, got the guy's attention."
"They actually only asked for my certificates after the interview when they'd already made me an offer."
"Soft skills > Qualifications. Get the daughter out there to get some. But gently." ~ EnigmaticSpirit85
"It must be different in other countries."
"I was able to start university at 16."
"My parents also had me working at 16."
"They regretted it and didn't require it of my sister, as they saw the stress it had."
"I didn't know that other countries had hard rules about starting university at 18+ I am curious where OP is though, as I had a few friends that went to university outside the U[nited] S[tates] at 16 too."
"Knowing the US it could be specific states with this rule, but with those grades and finishing so early, kiddo would probably qualify for different out-of-state scholarships."
"Oops. Didn't catch OP was in U[nited] K[ingdom]. I am still confused though."
"I have known a few people in the UK in university after 16 and before 18." ~ IndigoTJo
"You're not an AH for not wanting your daughter to just lie around and do nothing for 2 years."
"However, I do agree with your daughter that you should back off a little."
"It's obvious she's a very bright kid if she's done with everything 2 years early and has all As."
"She deserves at least the traditional length of a summer break (or whichever break is the longest where you live)."
"In any case, one month is too short a time to start pestering her about getting a job. YTA." ~ eleventh_hour_11
"YTA. You should have allowed her to have the normal trajectory of a teenager… instead she was not only homeschooled but ended 2 years early."
"What social life does she have?"
"What impetus to have spending money of her own?"
"Independence of her own?"
"16 is young to think about every move being about college. She needs more."
"I don't think you're an AH for wanting her to have a job… I had one at that age."
"But I was motivated by the fact I wanted spending money and independence for my robust social life."
"If she's sitting around all day, doesn't sound like she really has one." ~ Puzzleheaded-Big1680
Well OP, Reddit seems to have a few issues with your thoughts on the matter.
It'll probably all blow over soon.
Sometimes kids just need a break.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp