Content Warning: Ableism
Even though it's 2025, there are still people in the world who refuse to see people with different abilities as equals.
As soon as they observe something "different" about them, they think it's okay to judge them, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor buttercreamboredoms looked on while her boyfriend's mother ridiculed and judged her mother, who was Deaf and Mute.
After listening to her ridicule for far too long, the Original Poster (OP) spoke up against her, but her boyfriend did not react in the way that she expected.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for calling my boyfriend's mom the 'Queen of Rude' in front of guests after she made fun of my mom on her birthday?"
The OP and her boyfriend's mothers did not get along.
"This happened last weekend, and I'm still kinda upset and confused if I overreacted or not."
"My boyfriend, Carlos, and I have been together for about two years."
"His mom, Rosa, and my mom don't get along at all, mostly because Rosa has always been pretty rude and dismissive toward my mom."
"My mom is deaf and mute and communicates mostly through sign language and some written notes."
"Rosa has made snide comments about it before, but I tried to ignore it for Carlos's sake."
After two years, the OP had had enough of her boyfriend's mother's comments.
"Last weekend was my mom's birthday, and Carlos and I invited both of our moms to a small get-together at our place."
"I wanted it to be a nice day, you know, to maybe ease some tension between them. Well, it didn't go that way."
"During the party, Rosa started making fun of my mom's way of communicating. She said things like, 'Oh my god, it's like talking to a wall,' and 'Why can't she just learn to talk like a normal person' loud enough for other guests to hear."
"I was shocked and hurt, but stayed quiet, hoping Carlos would step in. But Carlos didn't say a word. Not one."
"I finally snapped and said right in front of everyone, 'Your mom is the Queen of Rude.'"
"That made the room super tense. Rosa looked furious and left early."
The party was divided over how the OP handled the situation.
"Carlos was mad at me afterward, saying I embarrassed his mom, and I should have handled it differently."
"My friends who were there say I had every right to stand up for my mom and call out Rosa's behavior. But Carlos's side says I made the situation worse and was disrespectful in front of guests."
"I feel like I was carrying a lot of emotional labor trying to keep peace between them, and my mom got hurt the most."
"Should I have kept quiet? Was I the AH for calling out Rosa like that? Am I overreacting, or is Carlos just being blind to how bad his mom's behavior was?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was Carlos's job to speak to his mom, and he failed.
"NTA."
"Tell Carlos that if he had stood up and been a man and said something to his mom to begin with, you wouldn't have needed to. His mom needed to be checked by someone. To be that rude to/about someone is bad enough, and to do it on her birthday is over the top."
"Both your boyfriend and his mother are AHes."
"Are you really sure they are people you want in your life? If Carlos is blind to his mother's rude behavior, he is also deaf to it." - bookworm-1960
"'Carlos was mad at me afterward, saying I embarrassed his mom and I should have handled it differently...'"
"This 'MAN' will NEVER stand up for you. He will expect you to handle ALL THE BULLS**T and do it better than you can because he's a f**king coward."
"You will regret everything for decades if you marry him."
"This is before a wedding, or serious holidays, or children."
"Dump his a**."
"And his mom is the queen of mean."
"NTA (but if you stay... you will be.)" - grayblue_grrl
"Carlos is okay with how his mom treats your mom. She has been rude before, and at this event, she was downright cruel. Rosa isn't your biggest problem here; it's Carlos."
"You have spent two years with someone who allows your mother to be badly treated, and gets angry at YOU for standing up to that behavior. It will only continue as long as you are with him."
"You need to cut him loose, and you'll never have to see his mom again. Please do not normalize this for the sake of your boyfriend. Your mom deserves better, and those two are not good enough people to be around either of you." - Loud-Climate5927
"Rude is a nice way to describe this behavior. This is discrimination against a person with disability, like racism or sexism. They perceive themselves as superior to your mom; they kept bring it up as a tactic to make your mom and you feel smaller and more inferior."
"Carlos did not stand up for your mom or for you before because he believes you and your family are beneath him. They were embarrassed because no one else agreed with them when you call them out."
"This is not rude. This is calculated manipulation behavior on his part and discrimination as a whole on their family. You cannot use reasons to change their behavior (like trying to talk sense to a racist). You need to leave him." - Several_Chipmunk1814
"NTA. Well, you have both a boyfriend problem and a mother of your boyfriend problem. He should have told his mom to shut up and be respectful."
"I mean, the woman's deaf, you don't make fun of her because she can't hear. She's your mother, and she should be respected. I'm sure if she weren't deaf, she would have picked on something else, but his mom sounds like a horrible person."
"So you might want to think twice about a future with him because if he can't stand up for you now, he's never going to do it." - NaturesVividPictures
Others questioned if Carlos and his mother should even be in the OP's life.
"Ummm... No. ALWAYS defend your mom against ableists like Rosa. Ditch the boyfriend while you're at it. They're all gross." - kmflushing
"Why on earth are you with a 'man' who not only allows that disgusting behavior towards your own mother, but gets mad at YOU for putting a stop to it? You did HIS job for him!"
"They are both trash. Apple and Tree." - Dragonwyck13
"Saying it, knowing that OP's mum can't hear but everyone else can, makes her a special kind of trash. Next time, put it on Carlos, too. 'Control your mother, or you can both get out' would do nicely." - Beth21286
"NTA. But Carlos and his mother are definitely AHs. Why would you stay in a relationship with someone who allows his family to be so disrespectful to yours? This should be a dealbreaker." - ComprehensivePut5569
"If I were dating someone and they made fun of a disabled person or mocked them or did anything towards them that is a 'joke,' I'D DUMP THEM SO FAST, THEIR HEAD WOULD SPIN!"
"It is never acceptable to be mean to others (first). It's definitely not ok to be a d*ck to disabled folks. It is NEVER acceptable to be rude to someone's family in their own home."
"Being rude to waitstaff gives me the ick. Being rude or mean to my family, you better leave or I'm going to hurt you." - oldtimehawkey
"NTA. You should not have invited her to your mother's birthday celebration, but you obviously know that now."
"I don't understand why you are still with your boyfriend, though. He said that you embarrassed his mother? What the f**k? She straight up said that a deaf, mute person should just learn to talk like a normal person. She embarrassed herself. She is the epitome of ignorance."
"You cannot possibly think that your boyfriend is the person that you should spend your life with?" - chez2202
"Wow, so your boyfriend and his mother think it's okay to bully somebody who is physically impaired? Can you see how terrible that actually is? I think you already know how bad this was, and there's no way to dress it up as being okay." - PerfectCover1414
"Her Mom deserves better than everyone in this story. She has a daughter who won't stand up for her and has allowed her boyfriend and his horrible mother to bully her for two years."
"There is NO WAY I would allow ANYONE to disrespect someone that cruelly in front of me, LET ALONE my mother!!! No amount of loneliness is worth sitting back and allowing bullying to exist in my presence." - AsleepJuggernaut2066
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP's mother had been treated and how long it took the OP to do something about it.
Perhaps one or two meals together with a passing remark might have been understandable, in case they were due to miscommunications or misunderstandings. Still, after that, it was a pattern that the OP observed and allowed for far too long without speaking up.
The fact that the OP's boyfriend sided with his mother and her behavior over being called out on it spoke volumes, and the OP needed to decide what was more important: respect for herself and for her mother, or to continue having the current boyfriend and not have to go back into dating.
Hopefully, she would make the right choice.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp