With homeschooling on the rise, most of us know at least one friend or family member who has chosen some form of a homeschooling path for their children, from traditional homeschooling to unschooling to even wildschooling.
But it's forgotten by some that each of these forms of school still require education and learning, forewarned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Willing_Occasion501 found herself caught between doing what was right and what was easy after observing her nieces and nephew.
But when she was criticized, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should have kept her opinions to herself.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for 'mom-shaming' my sister?"
The OP's sister decided to unschool her children.
My (28 [Female]) sister and her wife (32 [Female] and 33 [Female]) have 3 kids (12 [Female], 10 [Female], and 7 [Male])."
"All three kids are 'unschooled', basically meaning they don't go to school or homeschool."
"My sister had undiagnosed ADHD until college and was miserable in school, so she said she didn't wanna put her kids through that."
"My sister explained it as letting them learn naturally at their own pace without it being as rigid as attending traditional public school."
The OP was concerned about their quality of education.
"Sounds great on paper, except that my sister's kids don't do much of any actual learning or anything at all."
"My nieces attend dance classes and my nephew plays soccer, but that's basically it."
"Whenever I go over there, the kids are either glued to the TV, running around doing whatever, or playing computer or iPad games."
"I know my oldest niece is at least literate, since she's developed a thing for writing short stories, but if the younger two have ever even so much as read anything that wasn't a restaurant menu, I couldn't tell you."
"At the end of the day, they're not my kids and it isn't my choice to make. It's still worrying though."
The OP's sister tried to convince her to unschool her son, too.
"As my own son is getting close to school age, my sister has been bugging me on doing the same with him."
"I don't know why she thinks I'd go that route, seeing as my son has probably learned more in daycare than any of her kids have in the past few years."
"Yesterday, when this was brought up over the phone, I told my sister that me and my husband both work, so it's not feasible. "
"She offered to watch my son during the day if that was the case, since she's a SAHM."
The OP finally shared her concerns.
"I had to give it to her straight: I think she's setting her kids up for failure by not giving them a proper education and I'm not going to do that to my son."
"I pointed out that her kids are uneducated, do a whole lot of nothing, and it's only downhill from here if she doesn't set up more structure with them."
"I'm just not gonna have that be my son, too."
The family did not respond well to the OP.
"My sister went off and accused me of mom-shaming her, saying I didn't need to do that and could've just said no, her kids are fine and it's none of my business, etc."
"She hung up on me and I got inundated shortly after by texts from her wife, basically saying the same stuff, saying I'm horrible for talking about my sister and their kids like that."
"Now even my mom has gone against me, saying I have no right to treat family like that, and how could I talk about my own nieces and nephews that way."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some advised the OP to call Child Protective Services (CPS).
"This technically is educational neglect. Chances are, if CPS were called, they would get involved and require that the kids were enrolled in a more structured school setting in order to stay in your sister's home."
"And honestly, once the s**t hits the fan, you could try to play it off as one of the kids made a comment to a friend at soccer or dance, and so it must've been a parent who reported."
"Alternatively, if you know the kids' pediatrician, you could perhaps see if you could tell them what's going on (especially if you can tell them ahead of the kids' dr visit), because they're mandated reporters." - alexabutnotamazon
"Honestly - if you care about your niblings - you should report it to CPS or the local equivalent. In most locations, unschooling is illegal for a reason. The state expects its citizens to be capable of self-supporting at some point, and not being literate or numerate is a huge barrier to finding employment or being able to navigate any support systems." - Fraerie
"She can say stuff to the sister all she wants, but unless OP calls CPS or the local school district to report this, nothing is going to change." - RubyRedSunset
Others were worried for the kids' futures.
"Wouldn't this be considered child neglect? For not having her children being schooled in some way? It's nearly impossible to get a job without a high school degree. I'm worried about the kids' futures." - VermicelliHospital
"How does she expect her kids to get jobs? They need a diploma from high school!" - Taliasimmy69
"Hope you consider reporting them so your nieces and nephews get a proper education."
"I'd hate for the situation to occur where you and your child (when they are older) are harrassed for money by your sister and her children because the kids aren't self-sufficient and your kid is the only one (in their generation) educated enough to make a decent living. That will be a far harder burden to bear." - Existing-Dinner5637
Some shared their own stories of homeschool and suggested the OP intervene.
"[As a survivor of unschooling], it was pretty tough as a teen. My family was pretty dysfunctional, so in addition to no school, my parents had me raising my baby brothers, running the house, etc. I had so much anxiety."
"I ended up reading books to teach myself and watched YouTube for educational stuff."
"Luckily, I was able to leave home early and get a job, although it wasn't until after I got married (my husband was cool with me not working, so I could figure stuff out) that I could focus on getting my high school education. I'm actually almost done officially getting my grade 12!"
"I have a toddler, and my husband and I have pretty much sworn we'll never unschool."
"So yeah - pretty tough and I feel honestly so lucky that I made it out!" - kmmurr
"I was in a similar situation. My parents pulled me out of school after 7th grade and just let me do whatever. I'm not going to lie, it was fun and nice not having any responsibilities for a few years. However, the shame and insecurity I felt over not having more than a 7th-grade education was terrible."
"I have my GED now and don't think about it as much anymore, but I do always wonder what if. I was always a smart kid and had college reading level scores in 5th grade, so there were high hopes from my teachers."
"Maybe I could have been more. Now I'm just a fast-food worker with no direction in life. It sucks." - thatwe1rdcat
"Another unschooling survivor here agreeing you're NTA. IMO it amounts to neglect at best and abuse at worst, and I was absolutely set up to fail by my parent refusing to step up and structure my life."
"I made it out okay because I realized how screwed up it was and took on educating myself, but that's a confusing and scary process I don't wish on anyone, and the social, science, and math skills I missed out on learning absolutely hold me back to this day. There's also a lot of shame, regret, and resentment I live with."
"They should absolutely be and feel shamed for their choice to willfully isolate and fail their children." - glitter_witch
Though the OP was a little taken aback by her sister's reaction to her comments, the subReddit was quick to confirm the OP did the right thing. Considering the children's futures largely depending on the quality of the education, it's heartening that someone spoke up.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp