Roommates often have to make accommodations for each other. House rules covering common areas and household chores are usually developed.
But in an emergency, should exceptions be made?
A woman in hot water with her roommate turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Altruistic-Loss4549 asked:
“AITA for allowing my boyfriend to cook at my apartment?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My (22, female) roommate (23, female) is a hijabi. Because of this whenever my boyfriend (23, male) comes over I make sure to tell her and we stay in my room 99% of the time.”
“She has a lot of hair so I assume tucking it into her hijab can be annoying and I understand her wanting to not have to have it on all the time.”
“I had a cyst on one of my ovaries and it ended up being ruptured and my ovary twisted and there was other stuff because of that. It was just a lot and I was in a lot of pain, and my boyfriend came over to help me out.”
“I hadn’t ate in a while and had vomited anything I did eat back up and I didn’t feel like getting up and cooking at all. So I texted my roommate and made sure she knew my boyfriend would be in the kitchen, telling her that I was in a lot of pain and that my boyfriend would be in the kitchen making me food because of that.”
“He was making me tomato soup (from a can) and a grilled cheese (my stuff), so not anything super messy or time consuming and he washed all the dishes he used. Apparently as he was, she came out and she seemed annoyed, grabbed some stuff from the kitchen and gave my boyfriend a nasty look.”
“A couple of hours later it got bad and we went to the ER.”
“I guess me and my boyfriend took a little longer to leave the living room (I would say around 10-ish minutes) because I wanted to make sure we grabbed everything. I wasn’t really moving fast and for a few minutes we stood in the living room reconsidering.”
“After a really long night and surgery, I wake up and I see some texts from her saying that she shouldn’t have to put her hijab back on just to grab something from her own kitchen. I said I was really sorry, but I was just not feeling up to it and I would not have been able to stand up for that long and then I explained what happened.”
“She responded saying, ‘girl it’s not that hard, your boyfriend doesn’t need to be cooking in our kitchen, and it doesn’t take that long to leave the apartment’.”
“I told her I was sorry, and then she told me that it was super f*cking annoying. I told her I was really tired and to just leave me alone.” Â
“She told me I was being an inconsiderate bitch.”
“Now I feel really bad, and I’m thinking I should apologize to keep the peace and for making her put on her hijab when I could have made myself food so as not to inconvenience her.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because allowing my boyfriend to cook inconvenienced my roommate.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You live in that apartment and have the right to its use (including occasional guests) as she does, especially if there are no agreements otherwise. You pay rent for the whole apartment, not just your own room.”
“You were having a medical emergency. Her irritation over having to put her hijab back on to grab something or wait a few extra minutes is such small potatoes compared to that she should be ashamed of herself for calling YOU inconsiderate. She’s projecting and being a bully.”
“I am hoping that your lease isn’t too much longer and that you’re able to seek a new roommate soon. This person sounds extremely controlling and as if she expects to be able to dominate the space without any thought for fair use by others. Trust me. Having had a roommate like that, the only real solution is just to move out. They’re insufferable.” ~ PsilosirenRose
“NTA, but stop being such a pushover. You are very ill and needed help and had to go the ER. This is not a normal situation. Stop excusing yourself for it and put her in her place.”
“Also the hijabi roommate shouldn’t live with roommates if they cannot stand having male people over in the shared living space IN EMERGENCIES.” ~ Meesje
“A lifetime ago, I was the type of Christian who was bothered by things like smoking, drinking, cursing, etc. These things would quite often find their way into my sphere of influence, and sometimes even into my more personal areas of living.”
“I always tried to keep the onus of responsibility on myself—I could control my reaction to others, but I couldn’t control others’ decisions. I might occasionally, gently remind certain egregious offenders in my personal sphere that not everyone was comfortable with specific behaviors.”
“If things escalated, I could always choose to leave… but usually, the smoking, drinking, cursing “heathens” were polite enough to reign in their behavior around me (as any considerate person would) and I even made friends with some of them because I understood that it was my job to control my reactions and respond in a mature, level-headed and loving way, as my creed dictated.”
“I’m now a former smoker who drinks far more than they should and curses prolifically. Hopefully the ‘heathens’ I befriended didn’t think less of my former beliefs due to my responses (which, admittedly, may not have always been perfect).”
“That’s always the risk you run when having both a religion and an attitude that doesn’t befit your religion. There are plenty of verses about empathy and kindness in the Quran, it’s a shame OP’s roommate hasn’t remembered them.” ~ ImKidA
“As a Muslim Hijabi woman, I can confidently tell you NTA. Also, OVARIAN CYSTS are really painful, and you were not feeling well, which technically takes more priority in Islam, and she should’ve been understanding of that.”
“The roommate has full responsibility over her deeds/actions, it’s not the OP’s job to hide her boyfriend. It’s not disrespectful to a hijabi to have a man over at home.”
“In fact, this isn’t OP’s responsibility at all because it was her roommate’s choice to practice Islam and wear the hijab. It’s a choice we make that may limit our actions—not the lives of others.”
“She should practice Islam respectfully and avoid making others feels like they’re at fault if her choices limit her.”
“Islam, as a religion, doesn’t support how OP’s roommate behaved. In fact, her complaining becomes more of a sin than accidentally revealing her hair in front of OP’s boyfriend.”
“Because in Islam, people who are ill should be treated with respect and not like a burden.” ~ quiet199
“NTA. Her beliefs are on her, the kitchen is a common area and this has been a special circumstance. It’s not like you’re going out of your way to disrespect her. She can move out and find a flatmate who will share her values if she cannot adapt.” ~ Grumperia
“OP is already accommodating her by letting the roommate know when her boyfriend will be there and limiting their time in the common areas. That is already a big compromise.” ~ Yes-GoAway
“Honestly this is what annoys me most. My Muslim family members would be appalled. There are people in all religions that flaunt piousness for their own ego, including OPs roomate.” ~ heavy_jowles
“She DOESN’T have to put her hijab on just to grab something from the kitchen. In fact, she doesn’t have to wear it at all!”
“She chooses to, and other people shouldn’t have to tiptoe and walk on ice around her because of her choice. Her religion controls her own actions, not others’.”
“She’s the inconsiderate one for b*tching at you when you just had f*cking surgery, WTF. Don’t back down and definitely don’t apologize. You’ve been accommodating enough.” ~ atimeforvvolves
“NTA. If she doesn’t want to put her hijab on while at home, then she shouldn’t have a roommate. When you have a roommate, you both get equal claim to the common spaces such as the kitchen and living room.”
“She can’t tell you that you or your guests aren’t allowed to use the common space because she doesn’t want to get fully dressed.” ~ TheFatBassterd
“She chooses to wear a hijab out of her religious beliefs. The same religion also instructs her to be kind and help her neighbors and community.”
“Sharing food and feeding others is a major aspect of Islam, as is helping someone who is sick or in need, which she’s conveniently ignoring. She doesn’t have to be on OP’s side all the time, but she can absolutely be more considerate during an actual medical emergency.”
“A lot of hijabis wear a scarf daily, and some even wear their cultural turban-style wraps. She didn’t have to but her usual hijab on, she could have even covered with a towel or a hoodie. She is just being an a**. NTA.” ~ seagreensequin
Well, it seemed Reddit clearly stood with the OP.
Hopefully, they’re on the mend with their boyfriend’s help since it doesn’t seem like the roommate cared much to help in her time of need.