It seems like the less serious a job is, or the less it pays, the more the entitled boss will demand.
From pushed boundaries to entitled forms of thinking, there’s no limit to what they might expect, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Remote-Narwhal5726 was a young and underpaid au pair for a well-to-do family while she was receiving an international education.
The problem was that the family provided her with very little food, and she had to use her limited wages to buy more. When the father expected her to share her purchases with his children, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked by his entitlement.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to let my boss’s kids eat my food?”
The OP was living with a host family, working as an au pair while she completed her degree.
“In February, I (19 Female) arrived in the US as an au pair.”
“If you don’t know how the program works, basically you’re hired as a nanny, but you’re not paid a lot (I get $196 per week), because the family gives you a place to stay and food (in their house), and they also pay for your studies (up to $500).”
“It was the only way I could afford to have the exchange experience, and I really wanted to take this chance, so I came.”
“The two kids I take care of are great, we talk a lot, and I already learned so much from them.”
But there were a few problems at home.
“…The problem I have is with their parents.”
“Since I arrived, they told me that I’m only allowed to eat the items from one cabinet, nothing else, and they will only replenish that cabinet once a month.”
“They say they have cameras and will see if I try anything; I don’t know if this is true, but I wouldn’t steal anyway.”
“In my cabinet, they just put tortillas, a few canned vegetables, beans, and macaroni-and-cheese boxes. No snacks, drinks, cheese, or meat, chicken, none of these.”
“I talked with my agency here, and they told me that the family is allowed to do that as long as they give me some kind of food. They said I can try to match with another family and wait for the process or go back home. I don’t want to give up, so I stayed.”
The OP came up with a solution, but the parents did not agree with it.
“But the food thing was really getting to me, so I started to use the money to put things in my cabinet. The problem it’s that they are super healthy, and they don’t let their kids eat Chips Ahoy, Pringles, beef jerky, and stuff like that.”
“I wasn’t trying to eat in front of the kids on purpose, but I spend most of my day with them (when they aren’t in their classes), and I get hungry, so I eat in front of them, and they started to ask me to eat too.”
“My money doesn’t get me very far, my parents have no way of helping me, and these snacks can last for days when I pace myself, so I just told them they would need to ask their parents for snacks because I didn’t have a lot to share with them.”
The mom lashed out at the OP.
“They did, and their mom blew up at me (in front of them), telling me that i had a lot of audacity denying her kids food inside her home, and that if I ate in front of them, I had to share, and that I couldn’t bring this kind of junk into her home.”
“I couldn’t really say anything for fear of her just dumping me on the street, but I told had I didn’t have enough money to buy an amount that I could share with her kids, or buy healthier, and that I would really like to share mine if they shared theirs. (I meant the food the family eats; I don’t ask the kids for their snacks or food ever.)”
“She said I was lucky she really needed a nanny, and that’s it.”
“I told my parents about it and they think she’s wrong but that I am too for how I dealt with it, and for taking it out on the kids when it’s not their fault.”
“My au pair friends also think I am the AH for denying food to little kids.”
“AITA? And would I be the a**hole if I kept buying junk even after she told me they aren’t allowed in her home?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were deeply concerned about how the OP was being treated.
“NTA…You are in the US? And a family is treating you like this? And your agency is doing nothing to help you?”
“You are allowed nothing other than what is in your cabinet? What do you drink? Water? How do you feed the kids? Are you allowed to eat the same lunch? Do they share dinner?”
‘And now they want you to share the snacks you buy with your money, the little that they give you, with their children?”
“This sounds like a ‘Law and Order’ episode. You are essentially a slave, and I sincerely doubt this is legal. I would tell this agency they better do something fast to match you with a family, and they need to do better background checks for the parents they hire, or you will be blasting them all over social media.”
“I would be telling those parents that you have to wonder how their co-workers would feel if they found out how you treated them.” – Worth-Season3645
“OP, if you refuse to continue being abused, the family may turn around once they know you intend to leave. The agency will also lose you, and you will spread the word.”
“If any of these corrupt people can turn around, you will need to risk losing the experience. You are supposed to be treated like family, and they are inclined to treat you like a slave.” – 2ndcupofcoffee
“‘Au pair’ is meant to signify ‘on par,’ meaning the nanny is on par with the family. Like an older sister caring for the younger siblings. Banning an au pair from eating the food that the rest of the family eats is not acceptable.” – newfriend836639
“Au pairs are often abused, and agencies tend to downplay it. Parents can treat it as a full-time live-in nanny, without paying the costs of that position. It should be treated as a cultural exchange in return for some childcare help and light housekeeping. That doesn’t mean it is treated that way.”
“I would freaking die of shame if I brought a young girl/boy to my home and then did this to them.”
“Your agency is not on your side. The parents pay them, you are a commodity.”
“Keep it in mind. The agency wants to keep the parents happy, as they are the ones with money.”
“They know you are a young woman in a foreign country, and they are taking advantage of this.”
“The fact that you told them about your food situation and they responded that way should show you they are not your friends and not on your side.”
“I strongly, strongly doubt they are trying to match you with any other family and are just telling you that to shut you up.”
“Edit: Just to add, I am suggesting you leave immediately and go home. You can try an au pair position through another agency if you want, but the fact that this one has allowed this shows they cannot be trusted. I am sorry this is happening.” – SubstantialPlan7387
“This is a very specific visa program. Every detail is clearly outlined by the State Department. Au pairs are not allowed to work more than like 40 (maybe 45?) hours a week, not more than one weekend a month, and food and lodging are ‘counted’ towards salary which is why the price is so low.”
“Officially, these girls should have few, if any, expenses in the home and should be able to enjoy their free time with the salary. Au pair families that I knew would provide a car, pay for gas, give a phone, as well as any food the girl wants. The girls are not allowed to do work other than ‘for the child,’ so like they can do cooking or laundry, but not all, the family laundry.” – no12chere
Others agreed and urged the OP to find other arrangements that provided food.
“They are NOT providing you with enough food. You should be allowed to eat whatever the family eats. Keep calling the agency and ask to speak to a higher-up until they do something about this.” – crossstitchbeotch
“OP, please do not do this to yourself. Seek help. Get out. Even your education is not worth this.”
“My friend had the same experience in Europe, and she was lucky that she had enough and just left. The mom refused to pay her and kept holding the money over her head.”
“Apparently, the agency knew this woman was trouble and kept giving the family young woman after young woman to abuse and take advantage of. Every woman I’m aware of lost significant, significant weight. I have heard lots of au pair horror stories.”
“OP’s experience, unfortunately, does not surprise me. NTA.” – FairyOfTheNight
“I was reading an article the other day about how nannies are in such short supply. I would leave that family and find another.”
“You’re young, on a visa, and think you have to let these people treat you however they want. That’s so far from how it should be.”
“$196 a week? That breaks down to, what, two dollars an hour at the end of six days. You’re not the a**hole. You’re just working for a**holes. And your agency is run by a**holes.” – Pleasant-Thing-3239
“Get out of that place ASAP. Any human being who doesn’t provide a person living under their roof (employee or otherwise) with fresh food (you say you only get tinned options) and then gets revved up when you don’t share snacks that you have personally paid for on your p**s poor two dollars an hour salary, snacks that she doesn’t even endorse her kids to eat, is a huge red flag.”
“Actually, it’s hundreds of red flags waving all at once. Get out. Get out now. There’s a massive power trip going on, and it’s not going to get any better. This isn’t an AITA post. This is an AIBA (Am I Being Abused) post, and YES… this is abuse.” – PapayaMamma
“Either go back home, find a new agency, or find a new job. What kind of work permit do you have? Is it an open work permit where you can work for any employer or is it tied to the au pair agency?”
“If it’s open, get a job as a cashier if you have to until you find another agency to work for. Also, if you want to try and stay in the US, get in contact with a legal aid lawyer, see what your options are, because at this point you can’t depend on your agency.”
“At this point, physical abuse is not far behind.” – kreeves9
After reading the comments, the OP came to a realization about her living arrangement.
“I am in the US, but with everyone’s comments, I’m starting to think that maybe it’s better to go back home than stay here waiting for a new match…”
“I’m only allowed the cabinet things; that’s why I buy junk foods; I don’t feel that my food will be safe if I put it in the fridge or that they won’t say I’m stealing from them. I cook for the kids, they eat fruits and healthy snacks. They share dinners and breakfast most days, I eat before or after them, depending on how busy the work day is.”
“Most comments made me realize how messed up this all is.”
The subReddit was appalled by how the OP was being treated and hoped that she would get out of that situation, sooner rather than later.
It was totally understandable that she cared about her education and advancing in life, but it wasn’t worth her health and well-being, and it seemed that the family she was living with was extremely against meeting her needs.