A military career isn’t for everyone.
It’s not a job where you clock out or make a lot of decisions regarding your own time or where you’ll be. It’s a 24/7/365 arrangement you enter with a huge, sometimes impersonal government entity.
And until your enlistment period is up, or you retire, or are otherwise separated, the military decides things for you and you are expected to obey.
My Father joined the United States Navy the day he turned 17 and stayed until he was 37. He was an Indigenous residential boarding school survivor who went in as a Seaman Recruit (SR) and retired 20 years later as a Chief Warrant Officer 5 (CWO5).
He always said he was well suited for the military after a childhood of taking orders from the nuns at Holy Rosary Indian Boarding School. But some people don’t handle orders or the lack of freedom well.
And some family members and loved ones don’t understand the military lifestyle. My Mother knew when she married my Father he belonged to the Navy first and his family second.
My parents actually got divorced after he retired. They were better spending very little time together than they were being in each other’s space day after day.
As a nuclear engineer serving in a carrier fleet, his schedule was usually six months at sea tending the ship’s nuclear reactor, then six weeks at home. He managed to be home for each of his children’s births because as a BIPOC, he was valuable as a recruiter.
When my Mother was pregnant, he would finish one tour at sea then switch to a recruiter post until his daughters were born. A few weeks later, he’d go back to deployment.
But not many military families can set up that kind of arrangement. Many deployed parents miss their children’s births. They can request leave based on a due date, but rarely can they drop everything if the child comes early.
A new father serving in the United States Navy as a medical Corpsman turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after missing his child’s premature birth.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Flimsy-Employer2678 asked:
“AITA for missing my daughter’s birth even though my girlfriend wasn’t due yet and I’m going home in a week?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (20, male) am active duty Navy, stationed with a Marine unit.”
“My girlfriend (19, female) just gave birth to our daughter about two months early. She was only 31 weeks pregnant. The baby is in the NICU but stable, thank God.”
“I’m currently out in the field on a required training exercise. It’s one of those longer ones, 14 days total, and I’m about a week away from finishing.”
“I’m the only Corpsman out here, so I’m the only medical support for the squad. I had already put in leave for the actual due date in July, and it was approved.”
“But the baby came early, and I got a Red Cross message a few days ago saying she was in labor. I went straight to my chain of command and asked if I could go home early, but they told me I needed to finish the training.”
“There’s no backup Corpsman here, and we’re still running live scenarios every day. If I leave, they lose all medical coverage until someone else can be brought in, which isn’t easy in the middle of nowhere.”
“They were understanding. They didn’t yell or anything, but they told me I had to stay until the end. They said once we finish up next week, I’ll be sent home immediately.”
I talked to my girlfriend over the phone, and she was crying and upset. She said she felt abandoned and that I ‘wasn’t there when it mattered’.”
“I tried to explain the situation, but she wasn’t hearing it. Her dad has been texting me too, saying I’m a ‘boy playing dress-up’ and that a real man would’ve dropped everything and been there for his family.”
“I obviously wanted to be there, but if I went unauthorized absence (UA) or forced my way out, I’d be risking nonjudicial punishment (NJP) and losing my leave and potentially hurting my career when I’ve got a newborn to support now.”
“I’m doing everything I can, and I’ll be home in a week, but right now, everyone’s acting like I don’t care. I know how it looks, but I swear that’s not what it is.”
“AITA?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP did nothing wrong (NTA).
“Are her family really stupid, or do they just have zero experience with the military? You go where they tell you, when they tell you if you want to have a successful enlistment period and especially if you want to make a career out of it.”
“If she can’t come to terms with that, then she can’t handle being a military spouse. There’s going to be lots of things OP won’t be able to attend.”
“Better to find out you’re not on the same page now than to pay for a wedding and an inevitable divorce.” ~ MohawMais
“Baby Mama is fine, and not an a**hole—she’s hormonal and worried.”
“OP is also not an a**hole. He has a family to think of, as he has clearly done. Ditching something your military superiors tell you you can’t will end his career and probably include military prison time.”
“Grandpa is a massive a**hole that doesn’t respect what people doing training in the military have to do. CoM is real, and can get terrifying if you don’t obey orders.”
“OP is doing what he can with what he’s got, and I respect him for it.” ~ notheretoargu3
“Yes, going AWOL can lead to a court martial, jail time, and loss of all military benefits. It’s an unfortunate situation but OP is NTA.”
“Girlfriend’s father is the a**hole for even suggesting he go AWOL.”
“I was a military spouse for 28 years. I don’t see how you could understand what you’re signing up for unless you have military family (my husband never meant to do a military career, it just worked out that way).”
“I was lucky, and he only had one fairly short deployment, and it wasn’t in a high-risk location, but he had to miss some birthdays and graduations, and of course, there’s all the moving which really sucks.”
“Honestly, one of the worst things is all the ‘thank you for your service’ which is really just performative BS a lot of the time. When it comes right down to it, there isn’t always that much support for the active duty, vets, and their families.” ~ RuthBourbon
“My brother-in-law went AWOL for this exact same scenario. He regrets it still, 25 years later. NTA, OP.”
“He had to go to New York for court and went to an Army prison for a while. Dishonorable discharge and he can never claim any benefits.”
“He was young, and his firstborn son was born on his birthday, but he definitely wishes he would have stayed. Life lesson for sure.” ~ WishaBwood
“NTA…unless your girlfriend was unaware that you are in the military. The government kinda owns you now.” ~ Creative-Passenger76
“This! Does your girlfriend not understand that the Navy owns your a** until you have fulfilled your duty for which you signed up? She needs to make friends with other military wives and lean on them for support when she needs it.”
“Lord sakes! I can’t believe she and her family just expect you to walk away from your military job!” ~ jfb01
“She can feel how she wants, but pressuring him to break the law and f*ck his career over as well as sending her dad to berate him is over the line.”
“She is also really failing hard at supporting him as a military spouse/significant other. She’s supposed to be helping take the pressure off, not adding to it.”
“She’s absolutely acting like an a**hole with an idiot for a father. Unless OP is an admiral, he’s not making any decisions about where he goes and when for awhile.” ~ Pretend-Potato-831
If the OP’s girlfriend can’t reconcile herself with the fact that the OP’s time is not his own as long as he’s in the military, it might be best to end things now. It’s not going to change just because her daddy harasses him.
There will be many future milestones and family events missed until his enlistment ends, or he retires.
My Father spent only two Christmases with us before the divorce and missed all but one of my birthdays.
And the consequences for disobeying orders and taking off with authorized leave aren’t worth it.
It tanks the possibility of advancement in the military and an involuntary separation doesn’t attract a lot of employers in the civilian world.
It guarantees no public sector jobs either. After 20 years in the Navy, at 38, my Father walked into a job as a reactor inspector with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, where he worked until he retired.
A military career can lead to a lot of opportunities, but only for people suited to the lifestyle.