It’s safe to say that most of us do not enjoy the sensation of being watched, and that the creepy-crawly feeling would only get worse if the watching were done by someone we didn’t know.
But if they refused to stop surveilling, that should only make the internal alarm bells chime louder, cautioned the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor GlowingHearts1867 recently became aware that their male next-door neighbor had been tracking their behaviors whenever their husband was out of town, presumably to see if they were cheating on him.
While their husband wasn’t super concerned about the behavior, the Original Poster (OP) wanted to confront the man or file a police report about inappropriate behavior.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by being creeped out and angry that my neighbor spies on me when my husband is away?”
The OP’s husband received unexpected messages from their neighbor while he was away.
“My husband took a weekend trip with our kids.”
“During this time, my brother came over to discuss some cognitive decline our mom has been showing signs of (we are in our 40s, and our mom is in her 70s).”
“We purposely waited to have this conversation while my kids were away since it wasn’t something they should be hearing or worrying about.”
“Later that same evening, our cousin also stopped by. We had some drinks, and our cousin ended up driving my brother home still fairly early in the evening.”
“Apparently, when my brother arrived, the neighbor was outside and gave him a smile and a wave.”
“When my brother’s car spent the night in our driveway, my neighbour snapped photos of it and texted my husband with the description of the man who he assumed spent the night, telling my husband I was cheating on him.”
“My husband, of course, laughed it off and told our neighbor that it was my brother’s car and he left it there because he had had a few beers.”
As it turned out, the neighbor was making something of a habit of tracking the OP.
“My husband also showed me his text history with the neighbor, where the neighbor had been texting him random observations like this on and off for a while.”
“At no point has my husband encouraged this; he actually told the neighbour several times that this isn’t necessary and he trusts me and told him to stop surveilling me.”
“The neighbor laughed it off and insisted they ‘needed to look out for each other.'”
“It’s not constant surveillance; it seems to be only when he knows my husband has gone away. The last message before this weekend was seven months prior.”
The OP wanted to do something about the neighbor’s behavior.
“At this point, I’m feeling creeped out and mad at the neighbour and want to confront him.”
“My husband prefers to just keep at texting back, saying, ‘Hey man, no need for this,’ and overall ignoring it, but that doesn’t seem to be enough to deter the neighbor.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some found the neighbor’s behavior to be incredibly creepy and invasive.
“This neighbor is a f**king creep and absolutely needs to mind his own d**n business.” – Calgary_Calico
“Persistently keeping track of who comes and goes at a neighbor’s house after you’ve specifically been asked to stop qualifies as stalking. Be careful, and document, document, document.” – imfamousoz
“This sounds like someone who needs a hobby. We had nosy neighbors when I was growing up. An old couple next door who have retired years ago.”
“One or both of them were always looking out their windows, watching the neighbors. No one likes them because they’d call 3-1-1 at the SLIGHTEST sign someone was breaking or even bending a bylaw, it was ridiculous.”
“I’d be less worried about him breaking in while you’re home alone and MUCH more worried that he’d invent a scandal about him seeing you cheating because he’s bored. It’s not dangerous, per se, but it’s still creepy and still a problem that needs to be addressed.” – CalgaryCounts_Cats
“Unfortunately, I don’t think the police will do much about this particular situation… until it escalates. Still, I think OP should at least report it so they’ll have it on the record (always get a copy for yourself, of course). People are weird, and I suspect the trend will only get worse.” – Sweaty_Rent_3780
“I’m not saying your neighbor is right. I am saying that going to the police when he has contacted your husband twice in seven months is wild.”
“Document it. Have your husband tell him to back off. If he doesn’t, take it all to the police. But if stalking is contacting your husband twice in seven months, I don’t know what to say at that point.”
“And you said the contact seven months ago was something that could have been a safety/security issue?”
“He’s a busybody. He’s probably a misogynist. Or he’s someone who has been sheared on and thinks he is doing your husband a favor. Either way, your husband says, ‘Back off.'”
“If he doesn’t, take what you have to the police. But I gotta tell you, most cops are going to look at this report as a nothing-burger.”
“Report it if you want. Be angry if you want. The neighbor is a nothing burger who is going to back off.” – JoeBarelyCares
Others assumed that the neighbor had some serious biases against women.
“Your neighbor is a nosey, trouble-maker at best, or a creepy stalker at worst. Personally, I’d report him to the authorities for invasion of privacy.”
“I’m also wondering: If it had been you who left with the kids for the weekend, and your husband had a woman over, whose car was there overnight, would your neighbor inform you of this?” – Illustrious_Sign_872
“The ‘we need to look out for each other’ line makes it seem like the neighbor has a specific bias against women being cheaters, and men need to stick together against them. Doubtful he will say anything to OP to protect her if the roles were reversed.” – SawdustGrincho
“I’m almost willing to bet he would turn a blind eye if he had someone over while she was gone. That’s the ‘stick together (wink wink)’ part.” – SpecialSurprise69
“I’m not sure about the law here, but watching your driveway and documenting who comes and goes might be legal. I’m not sure. It’s definitely abnormal behavior.”
“From what I’ve observed, the men who are obsessed with women cheating have misogyny issues. You’ll want to stay away from him.” – champion-of-nope
“Not overreacting!”
“Get a bunch of women friends to come over wearing hooded black robes and fake a coven meeting/ ritual in that back yard. That will really give them a show.”
“To make it even better, clue your husband in on it. He can act appropriately alarmed when the neighbor comes calling about the EVILLLLL happening while he’s away!” – Dapper-Ad9787
“Man here. These are the douchbags who make all the rest of us look bad! They are probably also the ones DOING the cheating themselves!!” – Wise_Childhood9752
Some urged the OP’s husband to step up and discourage the neighbor from continuing this.
“NOR, but your husband is missing the point. Neighbor is a creep and making you uncomfortable in your own home, and that’s unacceptable.”
“Tell him to stuff the bro-code where the sun doesn’t shine and stand up for you and to the neighbor to mind his own business.” – the_owl_syndicate
“Neighbor: ‘We need to look out for each other (wink).'”
“Husband: ‘(disgusted) I need to look out for my WIFE, you creep.'” – randycanyon
“I’m sorry, but someone needs to say it. I’d be uncomfortable that this man knows you’re alone. Your husband should also feel uncomfortable that someone is monitoring his wife.”
“What if he breaks in when your husband is gone and assaults you? Does your husband not see the concern with this?” – katleessi
“NOR. I would feel so unsafe, knowing my creepy neighbor was constantly watching me. That seems like stalkerish behavior. Your husband already told him to stop, yet the neighbor keeps doing it.”
“I’d recommend your husband talk to him one more time, and if he still doesn’t listen, I’d contact the police about the neighbor’s stalking.” – Kellilynn52378
“The potential criminal issue here is harassment.”
“In many jurisdictions, harassment occurs when someone repeatedly targets a person with unwanted conduct after being clearly told to stop. That can include ongoing surveillance, photographing activity connected to a household, and repeatedly sending accusations or messages about that person.”
“If the guy continues to not take your husband seriously and you want the behavior to end, call the police and ask them to go tell him to stop. Then you have it on record, and if he doesn’t stop, then the neighbor’s going to have a problem with the proper authorities.” – Negative-Ad2255
“Your husband is a man, so he probably doesn’t see the darker side of this due to how he’s been socialized.”
“But this isn’t ‘looking out for each other.’ This is a man who actively polices the woman next door. Who sexualizes her (because yeah, that’s what this is: assuming a visiting relative is a sexual partner).”
“Who has been told to stop and doesn’t. And who seems to think this only goes one way (he’s not texting you about your husband’s activity).”
“Those are major red flags that suggest this guy has issues with women. Not good. Husband should shut it down clearly, like, ‘Frank, I’m uncomfortable with you watching my wife, and it needs to stop immediately with no further incidents.’ NOR.” – Glittering-Paper4516
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
“My husband is going to text him using stronger words to tell him to stop it, and clearly saying he finds it inappropriate and makes us both uncomfortable.”
“If he does it again, I’m going to make an online police report; I found a link to do it. I don’t expect the police to do anything, but if I make an online report, it’s assigned a case number, and I can follow up through that if anything else happens.”
“Thank you all for your advice.”
Though the subreddit was somewhat divided over whether the neighbor’s behavior was creepy or annoying, they all agreed that being watched is creepy, especially when home alone.
If the neighbor continued to ignore the OP’s husband, that was a clear boundary crossing, and, where privacy is concerned, that’s no small offense and should be addressed.