When someone we love is diagnosed with a condition or an illness, especially cancer, our first inclination is to panic or grieve, and also to show them support however we can.
But there are some ways we can show support that are far more meaningful than what has been popularized on social media, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor alakazam121’s young niece had just been diagnosed with Leukemia, and most of his family had shaved their heads in solidarity after hers had to be shaved.
Because his hair was an important aspect of his identity, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t ready to cut his hair, even though his family was pressuring him to do the same.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to cut off my hair because my seven-year-old niece has cancer?”
Tragic news recently struck the OP’s extended family.
“I am 17 (Male). Unfortunately, about six weeks ago, my niece got diagnosed with ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia).”
“Considering she has pretty much had health issues since birth, words can not describe how bad I feel for my aunt, uncle, cousin, and especially my niece. It basically broke their family apart.”
“Even though I had never been that close with them, I really tried to emotionally support them (especially my cousin) to really let him know that I’m there for him and that he can tell me whatever is going on inside his mind at any time, anywhere, which he has already done a couple of times.”
But when the family wanted to show symbolic support, too, the OP wasn’t ready.
“Last week, due to the results of chemo, my niece’s beautiful, long blonde hair started to fall off, so they immediately shaved her head.”
“The next day, a group chat including the entire family was created where my aunt announced it would be wholesome if everyone shaved their hair off as well to show their support, including a picture where the four of them all smiled without any hair on their heads.”
“I’ll admit, I did think it was wholesome, but I doubted anyone else would do it.”
“Two hours later, I arrived at home to see both my sister and mother bald, followed by my other cousin and grandma.”
“The next day, when I woke up and entered the living room, my mom asked, ‘When are you ready to do it?’ while holding an electric hair trimmer in her hand.”
The OP felt pressured to do something he really did not want to do.
“I originally thought it was something to decide on your own, but since everyone else is doing it, I’m kind of being pushed into a corner.”
“I don’t want to sound egoistic, but I’m a guy with long hair, which over the years has basically become my personality. It’s pretty much the only thing about myself that I love, and I really don’t think that I want to shave it off.”
“YES, if I shave it, my niece could be shocked that her long-haired cousin finally shaved his hair off in order to support her.”
“But if I have to keep things real, and I might sound extremely rude here, but my aunt made a video showing my niece’s reaction to my mom and sister shaving their heads off, and she did not even seem to slightly care about it.”
“The video call went like this: My aunt tried to show the picture to my niece, who was watching a cartoon. She has to tap her maybe four times to get her attention, and when she looks, she just stared at it, said, ‘Wow,’ and continued watching her cartoon.”
“I noticed after this video, my mom started to kind of become pushy towards me shaving my hair, to show my support. Again, this might sound rude, but in other words, she wants to drag me down into the pit with her.”
“This morning, I got a text from my aunt, where she said it would be really nice if I shaved my head as well, in order to show my emotional support towards my niece.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“If we have to keep things real, shaving my head will basically change nothing in the entire situation, but I can’t just say no, can I? I seriously, really don’t know what to do.”
“If my aunt had shown a little more appreciation to my sister and mom, I would have probably considered it. But considering she did not even reply to the pictures and just immediately showed them to my niece, as if you HAVE to do it, I don’t think I’m willing to do it.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my niece, and even though I’m not that close with her, I always really cared about her and made sure she always felt comfortable with me, and I have a lot of fun memories with her when she was a little girl. It’s just that when they moved a couple of towns away, we started seeing them less and less.”
“But really, what do I do? I’m almost getting threatened to cut off my hair by three people. And if I do decide to do it, what if no appreciation is shown? Yes, I would have done it, to show support from my side, but if it’s not even appreciated, then what’s the point?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that cutting his hair was not the only way to show his support.
“If I, God forbid, got cancer. I would find it extremely condescending for everyone to do this.”
“‘Showing’ support is not the same as a phone call or coming to visit. Which is actually showing support. This is performative and attention-seeking.” – Upstairs-Result7401
“When my mum got sick and needed to shave her head, she was absolutely fuming at my brother for suggesting it. As she explained, she felt bad enough with the reminder every time she looked in the mirror; she didn’t need one while looking at her kids.” – FindingHomeliness
“I had to tell my family not to shave their heads when I got recently diagnosed with lymphoma because it’s making it about them when it’s really not, and this isn’t my defining characteristic. It’s bad enough that I have to walk around bald-headed headed; they don’t need to all do it, as well.” – Ladystech915
“I have breast cancer now. I am going through chemo now, and my family laughed and suggested shaving their hair together for me.”
“I immediately told them no. It does nothing to help me, and the thought of my poor family having to go through the hair growth stage for no reason is nonsense. Just be there for me is all I ask.” – Blue_Star_Child
“Not even visiting to show they shaved their heads! Mom and sis just had a picture sent. No wonder niece isn’t impressed. ‘Look sweetie, here’s a picture of people who did something that in no way improves your situation! Aren’t you happy?'”
“No, it’s a picture of my relatives with bad haircuts that I am self-conscious about when I’m not looking at it. Why would I want to see more of it?”
“I understand wanting to show solidarity, but only after asking if that would help. If I were going blind, having everyone around me wearing blindfolds ‘in solidarity’ would feel insulting. I don’t need solidarity, I need help navigating my new reality. Same with this.” – Shibaspots
“I went through cancer two years ago.”
“My family/friends supported me by driving me to appointments, bringing food, and checking in on me regularly.”
“No one shaved their heads for me. That wouldn’t have done anything to help me through the process of going through cancer.”
“I don’t understand why people think shaving their head does anything to help. All it does is put the focus on them instead of the person going through cancer.” – StardustGrindcarver
Others encouraged the OP to show support in a way he was comfortable with, no coerced into.
“NTA, it isn’t exactly support if it’s done under coercion. And nobody should force anybody to change their body if they are unwilling, for someone else.” – Happyweekend69
“I recently had a cancer scare. Fortunately, it turned out to be something that just needs to be watched. While waiting, I was pretty stressed.”
“To deal, my daughter and I would make morbid jokes. We’ve been through some rather rough s**t, so it’s how we’ve developed our trauma response. She looked at me and said, ‘I hope you don’t want me to shave my head.'”
“Of course I don’t! It’s so into the mainstream that that’s what you do when someone you love gets cancer, that she was genuinely worried I would expect it. She’s 20. I absolutely wouldn’t want her to do that!” – Successful-Foot3830
“My aunt, uncle, and cousin did this ‘for’ my mom. They tried to push me into doing it too, but my mom never asked anyone to, wasn’t upset about losing her hair, and loved my hair.”
“She would have been p**sed if I’d have shaved it. She also hated her own hair and was excited for the excuse to shave it off. It strikes me as more attention seeking than supportive.” – mrsjuicyhotkiss
“Since the kid is seven, just talk to the kid. Explain that you don’t want to shave your head, but would rather do something.”
“Ask the child what they would like to do. Go with you to a special ice cream spot, go to a park to play, go to a kids’ museum,or go to the zoo? Something fun that isn’t focused on her diagnosis.” – MsDJMA
“It looks like it’s the parents who are making it a big deal. They are probably having a hard time processing the situation and instead are focusing everything on this smaller problem that they created in the first place. I think making fun memories that you enjoy together would be way more important than shaving your head.” – Tibbybrokstuffagain
While the subReddit could understand that the family had a lot to process right now and this hyperfixation on everyone shaving their heads to “show support” was likely their way of coping right now, it did not have to be the OP’s way of coping and showing support, too.
Rather, if there was something else he wanted to provide for his family, or if he wanted to create fun memories with his cousin, those would be things that would be far more meaningful and helpful than shaving his head, and it would save him from doing something he wasn’t ready to consent to.