Be it owing to the size of the venue or budgetary restraints, all wedding guest lists need to be capped at some point.
As a result, every now and again, some people whom the happy couple would very much like to see at the wedding will have to be left off.
Knowing how much a wedding costs, most people understand.
Others, however, are less forgiving to learn they weren't invited.
A recent Redditor was shocked that their stepdaughter of many years didn't receive an invitation to their biological daughter's wedding.
Upon learning this was a deliberate choice and not a mistake, the original poster (OP) was even more furious and felt there was only one possible course of action.
Worried they might have been unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not attending Bio daughters wedding because her step sister was not invited?"
The OP explained why their daughter's wedding invite list ended up causing a rift in their relationship.
"Bio Daughter's Dad and I's relationship did not end on good terms."
"And while I tried my best to keep the children out of it, he did not agree, and in an attempt to get the kids to side with him, he went on a smear campaign against me."
"While he didn't accomplish his goal of getting them to want to be with him, he was successful in straining my relationship with my daughter."
"I tried therapy and every possible, but once she was old enough to refuse, she stopped participating."
"I remarried when bio daughter was 13, and my husband had a daughter who is 2 years younger than our bio daughter. Since the beginning the girls did not get along."
"At first, bio daughter was the one instigating, but eventually in their teens years, the 'hate' became mutual."
"Both girls are now in their Mid 20s, and their relationship has not gotten any better."
"Bio daughter is getting Married next year, and she's having a fairly large wedding."
"I knew since the beginning that stepdaughter was not in the wedding party, but everyone assumed she was at least invited to the ceremony."
"While talking about the wedding, the topic of step daughter was brought up, at which point my daughter said that step daughter wasn't invited."
"When I asked why her reasoning was that she wants an intimate wedding."
"This would normally be a reasonable response, except for the fact that even friends that she hadn't seen since elementary school are invited, but her step sister is not, so I pressed her and she said the reason why she isn't invited is that 'she's not family'."
"I said if stepsister is not family, then neither is Stepdad and her half-siblings, and by proxy, I'm also not family, and so if its a family-only wedding, then there is no point in me attending."
"She obviously got upset and started screaming and ended up leaving."
"She told her aunts and grandparents, and everyone is saying that I'm an a**hole for refusing to attend her wedding."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No a**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who pretty much unanimously agreed she was the a**Hole for refusing to attend their daughter's wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP's biological daughter had every right to choose who was and wasn't invited to her wedding. Many felt that the OP's decision to boycott the wedding made it seem like they were prioritizing their stepdaughter, while others pointed out that if their relationship was as bad as it seemed to be, the OP's stepdaughter probably didn't want to go to the wedding anyway.
"YTA."
"In a few years, you'll be back, either on this sub or another, lamenting that your NC daughter won't let you see her children or answer your calls."
"This post will be the missing reason."
"They hate each other."
"It does not matter who started it or if they were teens."
"They. Have. A. Mutual. Hatred. Of. Each. Other."
"It's unreasonable for you to assume your stepdaughter would be invited."
"It's also unreasonable for you to skip your daughter's wedding."
"Don't blame your ex for straining your relationship with your daughter."
"You've managed to kill the relationship all on your own."- buttercupgrump
"Sorry OP, YTA."
"There is a say in weddings: 'guests do not invite'."
"It's your daughter's right to invite who she feels confident with, and even if you disagree, it's not your place to question this."
"Its the 'then there is no point in me attending' for me."
"If you don't see the issue here, then there is nothing more to say."- Different_Wonder4203
"YTA."
"It is her wedding."
"Why are you trying to force her to invite someone she does not like and does not have a relationship with."
"You are alienating yourself."- Fair-boysenberry6745
"YTA."
"Does your stepdaughter even care to attend?"
"Why strain an already tough relationship?"
"You're attempting to manipulate her into inviting someone that she isn't comfortable with."
"You're forcing a relationship that isn't there, and now you'll add to the divide."
"She will just hate your stepdaughter more and have justification to."
"She'll hate you too, and I wouldn't blame her."
"You are telling her that her feelings, her desires, and wedding are less important than your other family."
"I wonder if this is a common pattern for you."
"If you choose to not attend, be prepared for the consequences of your actions."
"Remember when you don't get invited or included in the other big events of her life that it was your fault."- PsychologicalRoll705
"Tell me your stepdaughter's the golden child without telling me she's the golden child."
"YTA."- AA6671923
"YTA, now you are straining your relationship with your daughter."
"They don't like each other."
"They will never like each other."
"Get over it."- aeroeagleAC
"Well you just demonstrated to her exactly why you aren't. It's her wedding, not yours FFS."
"YTA."- ReviewOk929
"YTA."
"Weddings are for people who are special to the bride and groom, for people who would celebrate them."
"So why would step sister be invited?!"
"The hate is mutual so step sister would not be there to genuinely celebrate the bride."
"The bride's friends would be."
"Plus your 'logic' as to why you're not family either is just silly."
"You're too old for this drama."
"Apologize and stop making this wedding about you."- stophittingthyself
"YTA."
"It's her wedding she can invite who she wants."
"She doesn't like her stepsister; why should she invite her?"
"If you don't go, you're obviously picking sides."- PensionLegitimate706
"YTA."
"Who died and made you the wedding guest list police?"
"You say your relationship is strained."
"I wonder why."
"Obviously you favor your step daugther."
"You say their hate is mutual."
"Why on earth should I invite someone to my wedding who hates me?"
"You can´t choose family, but you can choose who you invite to your wedding."
"It´s well within her right to exclude someone she dislikes (and is disliked by)."
"Why do you think it´s reasonable to pressure her into inviting her stepsister with that kind of ultimatum?"
"Why would it even be important to you?"
"What is the benefit of having SD there at all?"
"Sorry, but I think your daughter will go NC soon, and she will be right."- Happy_Train9408
"God you're an a**hole, just break contact with her and stop being such an insufferable mother. Your life didn't go as you wanted, you hate your ex, let your child be."
"YTA."- No_Revolution_6186
"YTA."
"It's amazing that you refer to your daughter as 'bio daughter' in the first place."
"The entire tone of your post actually leads one to believe that her father's 'smear campaign' wasn't too far from the truth."
"Your refusal to come to the wedding is you putting the final nail in the coffin that YOU built with YOUR choices."
"Enjoy basking in the sun of the victimhood that you created for yourself."-Soft-Attention5699
"Why should she invite someone who hates her and she hates to her wedding?"
"Would you?"
"You are favoring your stepdaughter here."
"YTA."- Ok-Lifeguard-9507
"YTA."
"Congratulations on setting fire to what little relationship you had left with your daughter."
"Stop trying to blame your ex for your bad parenting, and get ready to accept that you will have no place in her life going forward."
"Hopefully your stepdaughter will make up for it, but I suspect she feels the same way towards you as she does to your daughter."- Zealousideal-Song717
If the relationship between the OP's biological daughter and stepdaughter is as bad as they claim it is, then they should have been more surprised if the stepdaughter had been invited.
Even so, telling your own daughter you're not going to attend her wedding is not the best way to try and improve your relationship.
Leaving one to wonder if those who felt the OP's ex-husband probably didn't need to vilify them to their children might indeed be correct.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp