Be it owing to the size of the venue or budgetary restraints, all wedding guest lists need to be capped at some point.
As a result, every now and again, some people whom the happy couple would very much like to see at the wedding will have to be left off.
Knowing how much a wedding costs, most people understand.
Others, however, are less forgiving to learn they weren't invited.
A recent Redditor was shocked that their stepdaughter of many years didn't receive an invitation to their biological daughter's wedding.
Upon learning this was a deliberate choice and not a mistake, the original poster (OP) was even more furious and felt there was only one possible course of action.
Worried they might have been unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not attending Bio daughters wedding because her step sister was not invited?"
The OP explained why their daughter's wedding invite list ended up causing a rift in their relationship.
"Bio Daughter's Dad and I's relationship did not end on good terms."
"And while I tried my best to keep the children out of it, he did not agree, and in an attempt to get the kids to side with him, he went on a smear campaign against me."
"While he didn't accomplish his goal of getting them to want to be with him, he was successful in straining my relationship with my daughter."
"I tried therapy and every possible, but once she was old enough to refuse, she stopped participating."
"I remarried when bio daughter was 13, and my husband had a daughter who is 2 years younger than our bio daughter. Since the beginning the girls did not get along."
"At first, bio daughter was the one instigating, but eventually in their teens years, the 'hate' became mutual."
"Both girls are now in their Mid 20s, and their relationship has not gotten any better."
"Bio daughter is getting Married next year, and she's having a fairly large wedding."
"I knew since the beginning that stepdaughter was not in the wedding party, but everyone assumed she was at least invited to the ceremony."
"While talking about the wedding, the topic of step daughter was brought up, at which point my daughter said that step daughter wasn't invited."
"When I asked why her reasoning was that she wants an intimate wedding."
"This would normally be a reasonable response, except for the fact that even friends that she hadn't seen since elementary school are invited, but her step sister is not, so I pressed her and she said the reason why she isn't invited is that 'she's not family'."
"I said if stepsister is not family, then neither is Stepdad and her half-siblings, and by proxy, I'm also not family, and so if its a family-only wedding, then there is no point in me attending."
"She obviously got upset and started screaming and ended up leaving."
"She told her aunts and grandparents, and everyone is saying that I'm an a**hole for refusing to attend her wedding."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No a**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who pretty much unanimously agreed she was the a**Hole for refusing to attend their daughter's wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP's biological daughter had every right to choose who was and wasn't invited to her wedding. Many felt that the OP's decision to boycott the wedding made it seem like they were prioritizing their stepdaughter, while others pointed out that if their relationship was as bad as it seemed to be, the OP's stepdaughter probably didn't want to go to the wedding anyway.
"YTA."
"In a few years, you'll be back, either on this sub or another, lamenting that your NC daughter won't let you see her children or answer your calls."
"This post will be the missing reason."
"They hate each other."
"It does not matter who started it or if they were teens."
"They. Have. A. Mutual. Hatred. Of. Each. Other."
"It's unreasonable for you to assume your stepdaughter would be invited."
"It's also unreasonable for you to skip your daughter's wedding."
"Don't blame your ex for straining your relationship with your daughter."
"You've managed to kill the relationship all on your own."- buttercupgrump
"Sorry OP, YTA."
"There is a say in weddings: 'guests do not invite'."
"It's your daughter's right to invite who she feels confident with, and even if you disagree, it's not your place to question this."
"Its the 'then there is no point in me attending' for me."
"If you don't see the issue here, then there is nothing more to say."- Different_Wonder4203
"YTA."
"It is her wedding."
"Why are you trying to force her to invite someone she does not like and does not have a relationship with."
"You are alienating yourself."- Fair-boysenberry6745
"YTA."
"Does your stepdaughter even care to attend?"
"Why strain an already tough relationship?"
"You're attempting to manipulate her into inviting someone that she isn't comfortable with."
"You're forcing a relationship that isn't there, and now you'll add to the divide."
"She will just hate your stepdaughter more and have justification to."
"She'll hate you too, and I wouldn't blame her."
"You are telling her that her feelings, her desires, and wedding are less important than your other family."
"I wonder if this is a common pattern for you."
"If you choose to not attend, be prepared for the consequences of your actions."
"Remember when you don't get invited or included in the other big events of her life that it was your fault."- PsychologicalRoll705
"Tell me your stepdaughter's the golden child without telling me she's the golden child."
"YTA."- AA6671923
"YTA, now you are straining your relationship with your daughter."
"They don't like each other."
"They will never like each other."
"Get over it."- aeroeagleAC
"Well you just demonstrated to her exactly why you aren't. It's her wedding, not yours FFS."
"YTA."- ReviewOk929
"YTA."
"Weddings are for people who are special to the bride and groom, for people who would celebrate them."
"So why would step sister be invited?!"
"The hate is mutual so step sister would not be there to genuinely celebrate the bride."
"The bride's friends would be."
"Plus your 'logic' as to why you're not family either is just silly."
"You're too old for this drama."
"Apologize and stop making this wedding about you."- stophittingthyself
"YTA."
"It's her wedding she can invite who she wants."
"She doesn't like her stepsister; why should she invite her?"
"If you don't go, you're obviously picking sides."- PensionLegitimate706
"YTA."
"Who died and made you the wedding guest list police?"
"You say your relationship is strained."
"I wonder why."
"Obviously you favor your step daugther."
"You say their hate is mutual."
"Why on earth should I invite someone to my wedding who hates me?"
"You can´t choose family, but you can choose who you invite to your wedding."
"It´s well within her right to exclude someone she dislikes (and is disliked by)."
"Why do you think it´s reasonable to pressure her into inviting her stepsister with that kind of ultimatum?"
"Why would it even be important to you?"
"What is the benefit of having SD there at all?"
"Sorry, but I think your daughter will go NC soon, and she will be right."- Happy_Train9408
"God you're an a**hole, just break contact with her and stop being such an insufferable mother. Your life didn't go as you wanted, you hate your ex, let your child be."
"YTA."- No_Revolution_6186
"YTA."
"It's amazing that you refer to your daughter as 'bio daughter' in the first place."
"The entire tone of your post actually leads one to believe that her father's 'smear campaign' wasn't too far from the truth."
"Your refusal to come to the wedding is you putting the final nail in the coffin that YOU built with YOUR choices."
"Enjoy basking in the sun of the victimhood that you created for yourself."-Soft-Attention5699
"Why should she invite someone who hates her and she hates to her wedding?"
"Would you?"
"You are favoring your stepdaughter here."
"YTA."- Ok-Lifeguard-9507
"YTA."
"Congratulations on setting fire to what little relationship you had left with your daughter."
"Stop trying to blame your ex for your bad parenting, and get ready to accept that you will have no place in her life going forward."
"Hopefully your stepdaughter will make up for it, but I suspect she feels the same way towards you as she does to your daughter."- Zealousideal-Song717
If the relationship between the OP's biological daughter and stepdaughter is as bad as they claim it is, then they should have been more surprised if the stepdaughter had been invited.
Even so, telling your own daughter you're not going to attend her wedding is not the best way to try and improve your relationship.
Leaving one to wonder if those who felt the OP's ex-husband probably didn't need to vilify them to their children might indeed be correct.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.