There are few things that will divide a couple quite like disagreements about money, intimacy, and children.
Because if a couple cannot agree about their responsibilities surrounding these subjects and how to honor each other’s expectations, the relationship likely cannot survive, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor embarrassinglemon had been in a relationship with her fiancé for over ten years, and they also had a child together, and she thought they could make it through everything, including losing jobs and the pandemic.
But when it came time to buy a house, and her partner did not want to include her on the deed but expected her to help pay for it, the Original Poster (OP) realized something in their relationship had shifted, and not for the better.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my fiancé I won’t help pay the mortgage?”
The OP completed her education during the pandemic after she lost her job.
“I (29 Female) and my fiancé (30 Male) have been together for 10 years. We had a baby back in 2020, and I lost my job around the same time.”
“Our lease to our apartment was up, and my grandma offered for us to move in with her, so we did. We basically had our own little apartment rent-free.”
“I had thrown the idea of going to school out there, and everyone agreed it was a good idea. My fiancé paid for it (about $3400 per year), and my grandma watched my baby while I went to class.”
“I graduate this semester (I did part-time for a couple of semesters). My fiancé has been making 90K a year for the past couple of years and 70K when we first moved in. He’s saved a good amount of money.”
The next step was to buy a house, but the OP’s fiancé’s plans shocked her.
“We agreed to wait to get married until I finished school and we could buy a house together. We’ve been looking at houses more seriously for the past couple of months and found one we both love.”
“We started talking to a mortgage broker, and that’s when he dropped the bomb on it being HIM and ONLY HIM on the mortgage and the deed. He said I wouldn’t have anything to do with it.”
“I didn’t say anything in the meeting, but afterwards, I told him I thought WE were buying the house together, and I’d pay half the mortgage.”
“He said I would be paying half the mortgage, but my name just wouldn’t be on the deed.”
“So I told him that would mean I’d have no right to the house, and he said he knew?!!”
“He said since he saved the 40% down that it’s only fair that he has the right to the house in case we end things.”
The OP decided that if that’s how he wanted it, then she wouldn’t help buy the house.
“I told him if that’s what he wants to do, then I’m not paying for the mortgage. I said this isn’t a partnership, and if he just wants his own place, fine, but I’m not paying for it.”
“He called me a b***h, saying that he paid for everything for the past few years, including my schooling.”
“I told him I completed my education for our family AND stayed home and watched our child so we didn’t have to pay for daycare, and that ended up saving us money since I would’ve been only able to work part-time.”
“He said he didn’t care and that I needed to pay for half since I already agreed to it.”
“AITAH for refusing to pay the mortgage?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was right to hesitate and encouraged her not to agree.
“OP, I have a story for you of how this could, and should, have gone. My partner and I have been together for about seven years. We bought a home together three years ago.”
“We moved in together quickly at the start, and for the first few years of our relationship, I was in school and not making much money, and so he paid almost all the bills and rent. I worked part-time and paid my own car insurance and cell phone bill.”
“When it came time to buy, I had saved about 20% of what we used as a down payment, and he paid for the rest out of a trust set up by his grandparents for him, for this purpose. I actually did not know that until we were talking to a mortgage broker.”
“He never ONCE argued that he should be the only one on the title, or anything like that. We discussed the unequal down payments, sure, but calmly, and it was a discussion together once we left, and I brought it up. I suggested a cohabitation agreement outlining who put in what if we split, but HE didn’t think it necessary.”
“We wanted to get married eventually, but you know, sh*t is expensive and we want a wedding. And we were committed, we were buying a house together, for f**k’s sake.”
“You guys have a BABY. If your FIANCÉ is worried about ‘if you split’ at THIS point, I would not be getting married, but would be getting my a** straight back to grandma’s house with my kid and a lawyer on speed dial to start working on a custody agreement.” – QueenSquirrely
“OP, please get out now. Don’t sign anything.”
“He is not worried about ‘if’ you split. He is planning his financial future without you. When people show you who they are by their actions… believe them.” – iDreamiPursueiBecome
“This guy clearly thinks the woman in his life and all the support given to them as a couple is beneath his respect.”
“If he is now being passive-aggressive about his financial support of her through school by minimizing her efforts regarding their family? Then I personally would run, not walk away. And file with the courts for child support in the process.” – Like-Frogs-inZpond
“OP, do not marry this man. You currently have a free place to live, and he wants you to pay half the mortgage to increase his equity. If anything goes wrong, he’ll be living large on your contributions (childcare, the free apartment that you got him to facilitate saving, and half the mortgage you would have paid up until that point) and you’ll be out on your a**.”
“He pulled a bait and switch on you in the most demeaning way in front of a broker, then called you a b***h. Like other commenters, I doubt this is the first time he’s shown you who he is. Regardless, believe him. He doesn’t value you or respect you or your very real contributions at all.”
‘NTA.” – Western_Fuzzy
“Don’t marry a guy who pulls this at the twelfth hour. Thirty years in mortgage lending. Pulling this during the application is a real dirtbag move. Too chicken to discuss in private.”
“Some really unbelievable stuff would come up sometimes. Usually more like undisclosed debt and bad credit, tax liens, and secret baby child support.”
“Besides ownership, he’d probably have her paying for all the utilities, food, cleaning, and maintenance from the get-go. These types of men? It’s never just one thing. They just keep pushing to take more and more and more.”
“You’ve already given him some of the best years of your life, your hard work and time, and a baby. Don’t give him a cent more.” – LiveLongerAndWin
Others pointed out that the partner owed the OP and her grandmother a lot more credit.
“What gets me is that guys like this, they don’t grasp that this is THEIR child together, not just OP’s, and housing and feeding THEIR child together, which is what OP’s grandma had been doing too, was a responsibility that he’s never taken on…”
“Yet he wants to call himself the ‘man of the house.’ Sorry there, bucko, OP’s grandma was the man of the house this whole time.” – NomadicusRex
“He’s planning to steal from OP. Half the mortgage is still at least 40% of the value of the house. And he’s already stolen via the free rent from OP’s grandma. Not to mention free childcare!”
“He thinks he’s owed something because he paid for her tuition? It’s a joke. He wouldn’t have been able to pay for her tuition if he wasn’t living free of having to pay RENT and CHILDCARE. And he sure as h**l wouldn’t have been able to save up for a down payment, either. Funny when all your bills go away, everyone just has money!” – kendrickwasright
“He’s been financially benefiting from his relationship with you through free rent at your grandmother’s place. The only reason he even has the down payment saved up right now is because your grandmother allowed him to live rent-free, which she never would have done if he weren’t the father of your child and still in a relationship with you.”
“And now, when it’s time to actually plant some roots and watch them grow, he wants to salt the earth with his greed first?! Absolutely not. If he wants deed and title in his name alone, he can man up and pay the mortgage, alone.”
“And tell him he owes your grandmother rent now and for the past several years.” – Lazy-Instruction-600
“NTA. He got free rent and free child care thanks to your family, which allowed him to save that money. If your name isn’t on that house, you shouldn’t put a dime into it.”
‘Do not marry someone you aren’t in sync with for kids, parenting, money, religion, and managing each other’s family.” – FrontTour1583
“Grandma was the reason all of this was able to happen. When you crunch the numbers, the gift of free rent from OP’s family was enough for OP to go to school and for him to save money. It wasn’t his money. He didn’t earn it.”
“He was able to sock it away because he no longer had the biggest bill people typically have, which is housing. Because of not paying rent, OP could have a school schedule that allowed them to not have to pay for childcare, so he was also saving at least 50% of the childcare they’d have been paying.”
“Would they be in an even better financial position if OP had also worked? Possibly not because of childcare costs. They might have even been totally broke. He didn’t earn a penny of the money he put aside. He got it through the grace of OP’s grandmother who, by the way, is absolutely fantastic.” – Spinnerofyarn
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“So first, thank you to everyone who commented. A lot of you had great insight and were very supportive.”
“To answer some questions, my grandma offered to give us a place to stay for a few months while I looked for a job and so we could save some money (this was the beginning of the lockdown, and no one was sure what the job market would look like).”
“I had brought up finishing my degree, and my grandma offered to watch my baby while I was in class. My fiancé said he’d pay for it since we didn’t have to pay for rent or daycare. He called it an ‘investment in our future.'”
“I got a Pell Grant and a scholarship, so he ended up only having to pay, on average, $3400 a year for the schooling. If I weren’t going to school, my grandma didn’t want us to stay there long term. This was purely her trying to give us a leg up and help US in OUR future. She wouldn’t have done so if she knew what my fiancé was going to do, and she’s said this to me.”
“For the update, I told my fiancé we needed to talk about this arrangement, and I asked why he changed his mind all of a sudden. He said he worked hard for his money and didn’t want to lose everything if we got divorced.”
“I said that was fair, but he’s now putting ME in a position to lose everything if I have zero rights to the property. He said I didn’t save up the money, so the house should be his and his alone until and unless I put down 40% also.”
“I asked if he’d consider a prenup that would give him the 40% he put down, and we’d split 50/50 the rest of the equity. I said this would protect the lump sum he put down while also giving me equity I’d be paying for.”
“He said he’d have to think about it, but he doesn’t like the idea of having to sell if we split.”
“I said then he can get his own place that he can afford on his own if he doesn’t want me on the title that badly. (This one he could barely afford with just his income, not sure if he’d even be approved for the mortgage on his own, to be honest.)”
“I also mentioned that I wanted to do couples therapy before we got married.”
“He said no and that we didn’t need therapy and I just needed to ‘listen to him.’ That was the end of the conversation.”
“I don’t know who this person is. This is not the man I had a child with. The man I had a child with massaged me every night while I was pregnant. He listened attentively to every random thing I wanted to talk about, he treated me with the utmost respect, and he was the only person I wanted with me while I gave birth.”
“He used to say he could never hurt me or screw me over because it’d hurt our child, let alone me. I love him so much. I don’t know what happened.”
Fellow Redditors were left cringing and hoped the OP got out as soon as possible.
“NTA. He’s over here like, ‘We don’t need therapy. You just need to do whatever I say. Don’t worry about having an opinion; I’ve got that covered!'”
“He just made all of this really easy for you: you either need to give in or walk away. If it were me, I’d already have my walking shoes on.” – Techno_Core
“NTA. I’d run away.”
“I’ve been married for 32 years, and for the majority, I’ve been a SAHM, and my husband worked hard for our family. When we bought a house, it was in both our names. We have multiple vehicles, they are all in my name (mostly because he can’t be arsed to go to the tag office); regardless they are our vehicles. It is our money.”
“This man has been listening to some terrible podcasts, I think.” – Creepy_Addict
“He clearly thinks that impregnating her was enough of a trap that he no longer needed to hide the way he intended to financially abuse and emotionally subjugate her.”
“I hope she gets out and makes that man pay his fair share for the child’s welfare.” – Nexi92
“His mask is slipping, and he is giving a glimpse of who he really is.”
“She fell in love with his ‘representative.’ Now that (he thinks) she’s ‘trapped,’ the real boyfriend shows up.”
“OP, you know what to do. Please do it. NTA.” – Interesting_Novel997
“I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. Your lovely grandmother did this for YOU, so that YOU and her great grandchild could have a stable foundation. She is a saint.”
“And your husband used you, not only to use the opportunity to fleece you, but to take advantage of your Grandmother’s generosity.”
“If it were me, I’d leave. It would be scary, hard, and full of extreme feelings, but I could not, in good conscience, be with anyone that acted in this way… and I wouldn’t want any of my friends, or family, to go through any of this if it happened to them, either.”
“I am truly sorry you’re going through this, but I want you to know, as you can see from all the responses, that you aren’t crazy… this is an absolute horrible thing to do to you and your family.” – One_Olive_8933
The OP then came back with a second update in a third post.
“Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. You’ve shown me I’m not alone in this and that other people have gone through the same. I also feel vindicated in my decision not to pay half the mortgage if I’m not on the deed, thank you.”
“Anyways, tonight he and I got to talking about the arrangement again. He said he didn’t want to do the prenup I mentioned in my last update. So I told him my final offer was couples therapy AND getting married before we buy a house. I told him we should get a rental temporarily until we figure everything out and come to an agreement.”
“He outright refused, again. He said he didn’t want to ‘waste money’ renting. He then said I’m not entitled to any of his money, and he won’t buy a house after we marry because I’ll just ‘win it in a divorce.'”
“I said, fine and that we won’t get married. He asked if I was breaking up with him, and I said I didn’t know, but that I needed space.”
“He. Lost. It. He called me a b***h again and a gold digger and told me I ‘owe’ him $30,000. (I don’t know where he got this number from.) He said I’m ‘used up’ and no one will ever want me again. He went on ranting, yelling at me, for about three minutes until my grandma came over to us and told him to leave.”
“He’s staying the night at a hotel and has called me repeatedly. He’s left a few angry voicemails. I feel so numb. My baby is confused and keeps asking why I’m upset and where their dad went. I hate this so much.”
“Trying to figure out where all of this was coming from, I looked at who he’s subscribed to on YouTube (he barely uses social media but is on YouTube all. the. time.), sure enough, I saw Joe Rogan, ‘Fresh and Fit’ podcast, ‘justpearlythings,’ and ‘adin ross,’ all of whom match how he’s been acting and what he’s been saying. It’s safe to say he’s fallen down the manosphere rabbit hole. I know the man I fell in love with is gone, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“There were definitely signs I didn’t notice. He always said he was saving ‘his money,’ and HE was buying a house. He also said, on more than one occasion, he was the ‘man of the house.’ He got really big on being a ‘provider and protector.'”
“I didn’t put it all together until now. His behavior change has been pretty recently, like the last eight or nine months.”
“Unfortunately, I have a friend who went through something similar with her husband (although his problem was p**n addiction), so I know the drill. She said to keep and document EVERYTHING. My grandma’s friend’s son is a family lawyer, and we’re going to give him a call tomorrow.”
“That’s it. My life is a s**t show. Writing it out has been somewhat therapeutic. Thank you all again for your support.”
Fellow Redditors applauded the OP for being strong and hoped she did what was best for her and her child.
“I’m sorry, OP, but I’m glad you caught onto his plan. You were supposed to be supplementing ‘his’ house, and ‘his’ life. I’m sorry, and he isn’t being a good father, either. That is not a good way to start, the man isn’t husband or father material.”
“If he’s acting like this when people are around, do not be alone with him. He exploded because he only planned on you doing as he wanted without concern for a family and a real partner.” – Ahoy-Maties
“Congratulations, you got rid of a bomb. Nowadays, everyone should have a prenup to avoid anything in the future, and thankfully, he showed who he was right away. I didn’t understand why he said that amount, did he help you pay for college? If not, he already had that in mind for every expense he made with you, what a stingy guy.” – Future-Battle-4926
“Just count yourself lucky that he showed his true colors before you got married. No matter how bad things may seem, you will come out again stronger on the other side. As the saying goes, ‘one thing I have learned about life is, it goes on.’ Good luck to you, your baby, and your awesome grandma.” – Lazy-Instruction-600
“I agree with what your friend told you about writing everything down and saving everything. Grandma is also a witness. They should both write down what transpired. Just keep records of everything.”
“I’d be changing locks and packing his stuff up for him. Leave it outside where he can just grab it and go. But that’s me. I would never allow someone to call me a b***h. And he’s done it repeatedly.”
“He doesn’t love OP. Time to end it and get child support. I’ll bet Grandma will continue to let you lie with her after all this.” – Affectionate-Log-260
“I’m very glad you’re seeking legal advice. I doubt there’s anything legally you can do about getting restitution for the freeloading, but they’ll know.”
“In any case, it sounds like you and your family need to be prepared for any kind of insanity imaginable. Please put up 360-degree cameras on your home, tell the school he is not allowed to pick up your child, change the locks, and put all of his belongings in a storage unit.”
“Don’t allow him into your home for any reason. Mute his messages and text him that you can only communicate through your attorney until after mediation or a court decision. Express to your attorney that you should only communicate through a court-approved parenting app.”
“Please consider therapy for yourself and your child. If they’re available in your community, Jewish Family Services offers therapy based on income to those who ask by licensed social workers.”
“I’m so very sorry about all this. I was going through a divorce, and my best friend said something that really helped: ‘I’m going to give you two words to use like a mantra, ‘F**k off!” After I signed the papers, BFF asked, ‘Did you use the mantra?’ I did use the mantra at the signing, and there definitely were better times ahead. I send you my best wishes for a glorious future.” – Bella-1999
The subReddit was glad to hear that the OP was standing up for herself and likely would move on without her partner, though a custody battle would likely occur.
It sounded like the OP’s grandmother would gladly support her through anything, so perhaps the OP, her grandmother, and her child could have a happy life together with a new education, new job, and fresh start.