Bringing a new human into this world is something many people look forward to their entire lives.
But pregnancy isn’t easy.
Carrying a new life for nine months can put a lot of strain on the body.
And often times every mom-to-be may need space to vent.
However, not everybody wants to listen.
Redditor leprechaun_dong wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my pregnant friend I can’t stand her complaining anymore?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I want to start off by saying that I (F[emale] 29) am 7 months pregnant.”
“My friend Cassie (25 F) is also pregnant and about 7 weeks ahead of me.”
“At first, being pregnant together was awesome— we’d vent about things, talk about how excited we were, plan mommy-to-be dates, etc.”
“But now her attitude has been rubbing me the wrong way and I can’t stand talking to her about it anymore.”
“She’s gone from occasional venting to texting me upwards of 5 times a day about every horrible symptom she has.”
“What bothers me is that I also have a lot of the same irritating pregnancy symptoms, but when I try to sympathize she pulls the ‘Oh just WAIT until you’re at _____ weeks!’ card as if it’s some strange competition.”
“So I dropped the sympathy angle and decided to just send her positive messages instead.”
“But she totally sidesteps my attempts at positivity or my suggestions and complains about something else.”
“For example, if I suggested a medicine I took for heartburn, she’d reply, ‘No I’ll just throw it up.’”
“If I tried to suggest that she take some time off work because she’s clearly unhappy, she’d reply ‘I can’t I don’t have enough sick days.’”
“Which is fair, I guess, but it gets old quickly being shot down repeatedly.”
“She ignores all my upbeat messages about staying strong and that she’s almost there and that she can do it and replies with ‘I’m miserable’ instead.”
“What pushed me over the edge is she also stopped asking me about my pregnancy completely.”
“Never checks in with me, never asks about my baby, and when I try to share anything positive, she hardly acknowledges it.”
“I went from feeling like we were in this together to feeling like she is the only pregnant one.”
“I finally snapped when she texted me about her swollen ankles for the 20th time and said that I was already anxious enough with my own due date creeping up and that her negativity was ruining my own pregnancy.”
“I told her that I’m not feeling great either, but I’m not sending her lists of ailments every morning and I suggested she start venting to her husband instead.”
“I obviously hurt her feelings— she read it and hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“I feel completely justified, but my husband said I shouldn’t have said anything, that she’s ‘clearly struggling more,’ and that I should just basically treat her with pity because she’s so unhappy.”
“I think she’s a total downer, and I don’t need that energy weighing me down, but now I’m wondering if I’m being insensitive because she is so close to giving birth and clearly having more complications than I am.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Does she think she’s the first pregnant person ever?”
“She sounds obnoxious.”
“The last trimester of pregnancy sucks for everyone.””
“I guarantee once her baby is born, she’s going to act like she’s the only one kept up all night by a newborn.”
“Then the only one whose baby cries a lot from teething.”
“Then the only one with a toddler who throws random tantrums.”
“The list goes on.”
“You are NTA.”
“And congratulations!” ~ twelvedayslate
“NTA, this sounds like a real pain to deal with, and you already have enough of those.”
“Venting is the kind of thing that should be either brief or mutual, in my honest opinion.”
“Hers is all the time and all about her, which is not okay.”
“Also, mention to your husband that she isn’t actually ‘clearly struggling more’ as you deal with all the same problems she does (as you mentioned up top) and you don’t have the bandwidth to play silent listening ear on top of that.”
“If she wants to have an actual conversation where you both are heard, she knows where to find you.” ~ dryadduinath
“I am so glad OP put her foot down and let the friend know that her complaining became too much.”
“It’s an important skill to learn, to speak up for yourself.”
“Later on as parents we may need it to advocate for our children, and also it’s a good skill to teach our children to use for themselves.”
“I don’t understand people like Husband, who think it’s better to never speak up.”
“If somebody is your friend, I think it’s worth at least telling them how they’re sounding and how it’s affecting others.”
“It can be the kindest thing to do and helps everyone else’s mental health in the meantime.”
“Listening to someone one up every situation and complaining so much is exhausting.” ~ runnergirl3333
“NTA. She sounds insufferable.”
“Pregnancy can be miserable.”
“The last 6-8 weeks were awful for me with both of my kids.”
“That doesn’t mean I only talked about that or tried to one-up people.”
“I think boundaries should be set NOW.”
“Can you imagine how she’s going to be once your babies are born?”
“It will either be that her baby never sleeps, and you have no idea how hard she has it.”
“OR her baby is a great sleeper and she rubs it in your face.”
“Then she’ll compare when they start crawling, talking, walking, etc.” ~ QuirkyFunUsername
“It could be that she really is incredibly uncomfortable being pregnant- everyone experiences things differently.”
“The thing is, even if she is, you are allowed to enjoy your pregnancy and are not obligated to constantly be around people who are a bummer while you’re getting ready for a big life change.”
“I would maybe reduce contact with her for your own sanity, and I don’t think that makes you an a**hole NTA.” ~ almaperdida99
“NTA. I get your frustration.”
“I didn’t have a friend like that while pregnant, but I absolutely have a mom friend like that.”
“Recently I realized our mutual friend also has this problem with her and has been cooling off the friendship so it’s not just me.”
“She’s just a martyr.”
“Every time we hang out, it’s about how her kid is running her ragged, her husband sucks (he does, but there is no indication that she ever let on that she’s unhappy or what he could change to make her happy.”
“If she is as passive-aggressive as she sounds to me, then she is the cause of a lot of her own problems), her family sucks, her landlord sucks, her neighbors have it out for her.”
“And if I try to suggest any solution (including, but not limited to, just TALKING to the people who make her unhappy) she always has a reason why the problem is unfixable.”
“It’s exhausting.”
“I never feel like I had fun after being around her. “
“So I just don’t hang out with her much anymore.”
“No need to confront.”
“Just gray rock until she (hopefully) gets over it.” ~ ObligationWeekly9117
“NTA. Even if she’s miserable, even if she thinks she’s warning you, it’s clearly too much.”
“You are not her emotional punching bag, and she sounds like an energy vampire.”
“I would reach out and calmly explain that you need her to know that you love and care for her but that the complaining is taking a toll and filling you with dread for your own pregnancy.”
“Say that she doesn’t ask about you, and it feels too lopsided to always focus on her because her baby is coming sooner.”
“Also, is that going to be the norm as your kids grow up?”
“Hers may crawl first, so she gets complaining rights?”
“Let her know you’ve set boundaries with other people about what you want to talk about or hear, and to stay friends and stay in touch, you need her to stop whining to you about her symptoms.” ~ justanother1014
“Since the two of you are pregnant, it is highly likely that both of your hormones are all over the place right now.”
“Having said that NTA!”
“You may have been harsh with her, but I guess someone needed to be honest with her.”
“If she expects you to understand what she is going through, she should do the same for you.”
“This is a happy time in your life, and you should focus on that and not on what she says.”
“Do not, I repeat, do not let her weigh you down.” ~ BoredofBin
“NTA – sure, people experience pregnancies in different ways, and perhaps she’s having a worse time than you.”
“But it’s okay to set boundaries when a person’s nonstop complaining is stressing you out and they haven’t cared to ask about you or your baby.” ~ SunshineShoulders87
“NTA – is this her first child? And yours?”
“You both are under a lot of stress right now.”
“Plus, you may have more support from DH than she does.”
“The first several months of pregnancy are wonderful.”
“Unless you have bad morning sickness.”
“But when the home stretch comes around, hormones, feeling pregnant like forever hits, and things go downhill.”
“She sounds exhausting, but maybe shoot her a text asking how she is doing.”
“You don’t have to apologize because it does sound like a lot.”
“She might be mad and still be mad.”
“But don’t let her negative energy affect you or your baby.”
“Your response to her was honest.”
“If she is still mad, oh well.”
“But don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“You need to care for your baby, your body, and your own mental health right now.”
“And tell your husband when he is 7 months pregnant; he can have a say in your reactions over something.”
“Until then, shut it.” ~ Ok-Pea-5380
“NTA! I’m also pregnant and can’t even begin to explain how much I’ve hated hearing the ‘Just wait!!’ From every woman who’s been pregnant in my life.”
“I’m sorry your friend hasn’t been more supportive of you.”
“She’s been a bad friend, and if she can’t recognize that and apologize after you’ve pointed it out, maybe not talking to her is actually a blessing.”
“Congratulations though, time to focus on yourself and your baby! 🎉” ~ Ok_Refuse4444
“See I’m reading this and am like.”
“Last year, my wife, her Best Friend, and my best friend’s wife were all pregnant around the same time.”
“Yeah, they’d do plenty of venting about the struggles of pregnancy (all 3 were high risk to boot, so, that added to the venting) but, they also did this weird thing called supporting each other and offering up real advice.”
“My wife struggled during the 1st trimester with keeping food down.”
“Her friend suggested she try Japanese barley tea to help supplement her vitamins and other nutrients.”
“She even gave an Amazon link to the brand she used.”
“Worked like a charm.”
“Tasted weird, but she was keeping it down.”
“Stuff like that.”
“Your friend sounds like she just wanted someone to listen to all her dumb little complaints like she’s the first 20-something to ever get pregnant.”
“You don’t need that kind of one-up friend in your life as a new parent. NTA.” ~ R4eth
“NTA, so glad to see someone standing up for herself for a change!”
“You are right, that negativity is just too hard to take.”
“You really don’t need friends like that.” ~ AppeltjeEitje1079
“NTA. She sounds like the type of person who has made her pregnancy her whole personality.”
“She will most likely continue to do that even after giving birth and comparing babies.”
“If she can’t understand your frustrations, then that’s all on her.”
“You don’t need all that extra stress with your own pregnancy.” ~ chesthair117
“I imagine hormones for the both of you are at an all-time high, not to mention the pressure of such a life-changing moment in time.”
“You’re NTA for being annoyed and should always feel comfortable sharing a boundary with a friend, but the delivery, along with her own hormones, probably didn’t make for the best results.”
“I think a soft but honest convo can probably straighten it out.”
“Best of luck!” ~ kinddice
“My wife had a friend like that.”
“The two of them got pregnant within weeks of each other, and I swear the ‘friend’ started acting like she was 9 months pregnant from the beginning.”
“My wife got tired of that really fast and stopped being friends with her.”
“NTA at all after hearing your story.” ~ GirlDad2023_
“Is she clearly having more complications than you are, or is she just complaining constantly about the same things you are enduring?”
“Think about it, in the time you’ve known her has she often been a whiner?”
“At least she took the hint and is letting you enjoy these weeks in peace.”
“NTA and good luck with your delivery and introduction to motherhood!” ~ Square-Minimum-6042
“I totally get it.”
“It sounds like you both were having fun but her constant complaining is just draining.”
“She might be struggling, but you have your own stuff too.”
“Your feelings matter.”
“I think you needed to set that boundary for your mental health.” ~ xdaiszeoy
“Thank you for standing up for yourself.”
“I’d do the same thing she’s not being a good friend to you and your baby!”
“Definitely NTA.”
“And your husband should be more supportive of you, I get he’s trying to see both sides but still he should understand that you are going through it too.” ~ Temporary-Exercise80
“NTA for establishing boundaries for your own mental health.”
“However, just putting it out there that these could be symptoms of perinatal depression and an indicator of possible postpartum depression.”
“Negativity, lack of interest in others, etc.”
“While her behavior sounds obnoxious and annoying, particularly as it’s quite incessant, it’s possible she’s genuinely struggling, and it could be a good idea to check in with her husband if she’s ok.” ~ Aggravating_Bad550
“And tell your husband she’s clearly struggling more vocally and doesn’t care to hear about your struggles.”
“You do not need this energy this close to your delivery.”
“Your husband should be more concerned with her impact on you than the reverse. NTA.” ~ Common-Dream560
“NTA. Supporting a friend doesn’t mean letting them drain your energy completely, especially when you’re going through the same challenges.”
“You tried to help, and it’s okay to set boundaries for your own well-being.” ~ lilmissscheeky
“Even if she’s struggling more – she’s not giving you space to struggle at all.”
“You were right to set a boundary. NTA.” ~ Vuirneen
“NTA. You don’t need that kind of bad vibe.”
“Venting once or twice is fine for me, but every few minutes?”
“She’s an energy vampire.”
“You’d more likely be stressed over her tantrum, and it’s not good for the baby, OP!” ~ spicychickennuggi35
“NTA- Your friend sounds exhausting.” ~ snappyhamster
Reddit has your back OP.
You have to protect your mental health.
Unfortunately, your friend is having such a rough time. But you can’t be her sole sounding board.
Hopefully, when she’s in a better head space, she’ll understand your actions.
Congratulations, and good luck!