According to Psychology Today, parentification is when a child is forced to take on adult responsibilities, becoming a caretaker for either their parents or siblings, rather than receiving care, disrupting their own normal development.
The inappropriate burden can lead to misplaced guilt, anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and neglect of the child’s own needs. Regardless of circumstances, children shouldn’t be burdened with performing their parents’ responsibilities and obligations.
Parentification gained greater recognition after the Duggar family’s reality shows were broadcast. While the Duggar parents boasted about successfully having 16+ children, people noted the oldest daughters were tasked with raising their younger siblings while their father worked outside the home and their mother was perpetually pregnant.
A daughter who was placed in a similar role by her parents turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
JiggleJargon asked:
“AITA for refusing to leave my job so I could take care of my disabled brother?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m 22, female, fresh out of college with a marketing degree.”
“My younger brother Alex (19) has Down syndrome. He’s verbal, funny, obsessed with superheroes and puzzles, but needs support with daily routines, social interactions and like medication stuff for his heart condition (hyper heart) and of course like supervision to avoid impulsive behaviors.”
“He attends a day program for young adults with disabilities and lives at home. Parents (mom 48, female, dad 50, male) both work—mom part time retail, dad in logistics.
“From middle school and on, I was Alex’s main helper, like after school pickups, homework, meds, meltdowns, bedtime stories (sometimes). My older sister (25) moved out early and was rarely asked to help him, she’s busy with her career.”
“I skipped clubs, parties, even sororities because ‘Alex trusts you most, he calms down faster with you’ according to my parents. I still graduated on time, landed my dream entry level job at a high end tech firm (starts next month, $65k/year, great benefits).”
“My parents congratulated me until Alex’s day program cut hours due to funding issues. No spots in alternatives for a long time and private aides cost $35+/hour.”
“They claim they can’t afford it (THEY 10,000% can). So at the family lunch last week, they cornered me.”
“Alex’s program is ending soon, they said, ‘we need you to quit the job and stay home to watch him during days because you are the only one he truly listens to. It’s just temporary family duty, and you need to take care of your brother.”
“I was shocked. The job is my foot in the door, deferring means losing it, restarting applications, maybe relocating.”
“I’ve waited years for this independence. I took care of my brother for a long time, and this job meant everything to me, living my life again.”
“They brushed it off—’jobs come and go, Alex didnt choose this, you’ve always been amazing with him, we can’t risk a stranger messing up his routine, etc…”
“Then I asked why my sister couldn’t help or why they couldn’t adjust shifts/use savings. Mom teared up and said, ‘she’s got her own life now, we’ve given up so much, it’s your turn to step up for your brother’ (but I was already taking care of him FULLLY).”
“Then I said, ‘no, I’ve already signed the offer, bought work clothes, and planned my commute. This is my future and I don’t wanna miss it’.”
“Dad got mad, saying, ‘So you’re picking a paycheck over your disabled brother’s well-being? What kind of sister are you?’.”
“I packed my things that night and moved in with a friend, and it was intense.”
“Parents told family I’m ditching Alex for some fancy job. Relatives call me selfish, saying ‘a few months won’t ruin your career, but lack of care could devastate him’.”
“I genuinely love my brother. He has disabilities, but he is the kindest brother that anybody can wish for.
“I really care about him, but I feel like I did everything in my power to be there for him.”
“Please be honest, am I the a**hole?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I left my brother. I really care about him, but I should leave him like that.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Tell all of the relatives calling you selfish that they are more than welcome to step up and assist but given that you spent your entire childhood raising your parents’ son, you’re going to go have a life now.” ~ KrofftSurvivor
“Nothing you say is going to be good enough, because they’re not interested in truth, they’re interested in taking the matter off their plate. As soon as they say ‘of course you’re right, this is no longer your responsibility’ then they’ll have to step up themselves.”
“This is your parents’ fault for not planning ahead.”
“They’ll never find somebody that works better with him than you do, or that works well enough with him if they don’t start training somebody else. And the longer they wait, the less energy they’re going to have to find somebody else, the more likely they’ll expect you to make him your life.” ~ Parasamgate
“This is really important to internalize when up against unreasonable (abusive, manipulative, etc…) people.”
“I wish life were easy, where you could just say the right words and get people to see your perspective and understand why you’re right and back off. I mean, all of us are reading this thread and agree that it’s not on OP to raise her brother while giving up her own career, right? So shouldn’t her parents/relatives/etc… see it?”
“They don’t care. People who get off on bullying certain family members are never going to magically agree and go ‘you’re so right. sorry we treated you this way.’ In fact growing a spine and stepping up for yourself is very liable to be met with anger because you’re taking yourself away from being a target.”
“But people absolutely should stand up for themselves, just be prepared that it won’t magically make unreasonable people see reason.” ~ clocksy
“This is 100% about the parents not being able to let go. When my older brother, who is disabled, finished high school, it was an insanely tough decision, but we sent him to a group home.”
“Everyone in the family was sad and worried at first, of course, but now he’s happy where he is, and he’s doing very well! He goes on trips, dinners, etc., and they keep him busy, which would not have been possible if he stayed living at home because my parents need to work.”
“They will have to let go eventually.” ~ Confident-Day-2946
“OP, you were being abused by being parentified since middle school. You are their backup plan, hold your line and say NO!” ~ L8dTigress
“They should’ve hired an adult to help them long ago. Instead, they used their own child for free labor.”
“It’s time to look for a long-term program for Alex. He needs to learn as much independence as possible. The parents need to face the reality that they won’t live forever and Alex will need care when they’re gone.” ~ Recent_Data_305
“You don’t owe anybody an explanation. If they say you’re awful for not taking care of him, reply ‘you’re so right. I’ll let mom know you’re volunteering for the job’.”
“You are NOT awful for choosing yourself this time. You deserve a chance to live your own life, and I hope it’s just flipping amazing.” ~ BufferingJuffy
“Be honest, but please remember that you are not obligated to make someone who is dedicated to not understanding you and your needs understand. Say your piece, and go. It’s up to them if they wanna hear you or not.” ~ MiddlePop4953
“Is the rest of your family aware of the full situation? That you were turned into a third parent for your brother? That you already have delayed your life again and again?”
“NTA. It is time for all these complainers to step up, because you did long ago, and you were not given much of a choice.” ~ Initial-Respond7967
“I say all this as someone who also became a family caregiver in middle school, and someone who worked as a carer in a home for developmentally disabled adults.”
“Alex almost certainly trusts you the most, and listens to you best, because you have been his most engaged carer. That’s how relationships work. If your folks did their own jobs, and cared for him like parents are supposed to, THEY would be best equipped to care for him now.”
“You are not their employee. You were not born into servitude. Anyone saying you have an obligation to Alex has lost the plot.”
“22-year-olds are supposed to go develop independence, get jobs, and work towards becoming whole adults, able to build their own families. They are not supposed to become permanent servants.”
“It would be a whole other thing if they had raised you as part of a team, so all five of you shared in making sure the one who would never be totally independent was OK, with your parents holding the bulk of the responsibility.”
“They could have made it attractive for you and your sister to be close, out of love, not obligation, but they chose the opposite path out of selfish, lazy, convenience, and it’s biting them in the a** now.”
“I burnt out of my family by the time I was in high school, because I had too little help. I barely spoke to my parents for years, and though we live within an hour of each other now, I typically only see them for a couple hours, 2-4 times a year. Your parents need to get a grip, before that’s your relationship too.” ~ Broken-Collagen
The situation OP’s parents find themself in is of their own creation and solely their responsibility.
Children don’t ask to be born and aren’t responsible for their parents’ choices.
It’s time for OP to live her own life and for her parents to be responsible for their own child.