Most of us live with the comfort of knowing we will always have the love and support of our family.
Not everyone is so lucky, though.
Many people have challenging, sometimes fraught relationships with their families.
Even going so far as to cut off ties with them completely.
Redditor old_bald_fattie was one of those unlucky individuals who did not have a good relationship with his family, particularly his mother.
Eventually leading to the original poster (OP) being estranged from his family.
Much to his surprise, the OP’s father reached out to him, urging him to make amends with his mother and rejoin the family.
Something the OP was completely uninterested in doing.
After being called “ungrateful” by his father, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole Here” (AITAH).
While similar to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for refusing to make amends with my elderly mother after she told me ‘you don’t have a mother’ to protect her favorite son?”
The OP explained why they had no interest in reconciling with their mother and family:
“Things don’t get easier even when you’re older.”
“My mother used to go out of her way to protect her elder son, the favorite.”
“A few years ago, he was an a-hole to my wife, and I had a fight with him.”
“I expected the family to at least see how his harassment was unacceptable.”
“My mother took his side as usual, and to get me to stop making her son look bad, she said, ‘You don’t have a mother, consider me dead.”
“I took that to heart. I cut my family off, especially my mother.”
“Now, years later, they don’t want to reconcile.”
“They want me to go back ‘into the family fold’ as to speak.”
“My father explicitly said I’m not to open any topic or point any fingers.”
“Just forget and come back.”
“I asked, what about my brother’s unacceptable behavior towards my wife?”
“‘It was a misunderstanding.”
“What about my mother’s behavior?”
“She’s your mother, she can say whatever she wants, you are an ungrateful son’.”
“Thing is, the entire family has gone up in arms against me.”
“Uncles, aunts, cousins.”
“Anybody I used to be in touch with has stopped talking to me.”
“They’re all calling me a POS for not talking to my elderly mother.”
“In our culture, parents are supposed to be treated as gods.”
“I’m tired emotionally.”
“I don’t know if this is a hill to die on.”
“They refuse to acknowledge my brother’s behavior, and I was in the wrong for not handling things differently then.”
“I’m standing by my wife, and everybody’s calling me an AH.”
“Am I?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone agreed that this was absolutely a “hill to die on” and that it was probably better for the OP’s mental and physical health to remain estranged from his family if they refused to acknowledge how he and his wife were treated:
“No, you are not the ah, they are, you did what a husband is supposed to do and protect your wife.”-
Salt_Inflation1427
“NTA.”
“This could be a hill to die on.”
“Sounds like your family will always see you as second best.”
“Well done for sticking up for yourself and your wife.”- Traditional_Film_636
“Well, it’s clear that you now have something they want.”
“Did your wife have a child?”
“Did you get a new job with a high salary?”- TarzanKitty
“NTA – you gotta take care of you.”
“They clearly aren’t taking your thoughts and feelings into account, and someone needs to, even if it’s just yourself.”
“Don’t concern yourself with the feelings of people who don’t concern themselves with yours.”-Trevors-Axiom-
“You’ve been without them in your life for a long time and have been just fine.”
“Carry on ignoring them and forget they exist.”
“I know culturally it’s hard, but outside of your wife and children nobody matters.”
“Extended family is often people you’d never talk to or be friends with if you weren’t related.”
“I know mine are.”
“I never see them, and we haven’t spoken in years.”
“And I’m perfectly happy for it to remain that way.”
“They are all a bunch of judgmental narcissists with whom I have nothing in common with.”- Adelucas
“I mean, you have your family now.”
“They were wrong.”
“You and your wife can choose to forgive and forget, but the dynamic is not gonna change NTA.”
“Family’s can be toxic too.”- Top-Customer1055
“NTAH.”
“The birthing unit tore up her mom card and then pissed on it for good measure.”
“Block everyone who supports her, full on scorched earth, and move forward with your wife in the peace of knowing you NEVER have to deal with their gaslighting and abuse again.”
“As Gandalf said to Theoden, ‘breathe the free air’.”- DaYettiman22
“Your family sounds like mine – brother that’s a Golden Child, mother who favors him above all others, and a father who goes along with it all.”
“I got tired of being the scapegoat and finally walked away.”
“Oh, I’ve made amends twice, but everything would go right back to the same behavior, only different situations.”
“I walked away for good because my mental health was suffering greatly.”
“No – you’re not the AH.”
“They are.”
“Live your life.”
“You deserve to be happy.”- _PaisleyPosey_
“Remember the full phrasing of the adage.”
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
“You are an adult.”
“You choose your family now, based on the ways people show up for you, choose to be in your life, revel in your wins, console your losses.”
“Genetics can be a part of that, but doesn’t need to be.”
“Go back to NC and block every last one of them.”
“They’ve made their choice, and now it’s your turn to make yours.”
“NTA.”- TicoSoon
“NTA.”
“I hate that just because she is elderly, she is meant to get a free pass.”
“Ditch the fam.”- Altruistic-Bottle116
“What do these people bring to your life besides toxicity? What is worth you going back ‘into the fold’ for?”- AllAboutTheQueso
“Why are they pushing you to go back into the fold?”
“Does your mother need assistance, and is her ‘true son’ not willing to give it?”
“Are you financially well off, and do they expect you to pay your mother’s way, at this stage of her life?”
“Is your mother terminally ill, and does she want you ‘back’, and does the rest of the family want you to play pretend, untill she passes, after which everyone can go back to pretending neither side exists?”
“The simple answer you can give them is ‘What mother?’
“‘She told me I don’t have one, and I should consider her dead’.”
“‘I believed her’.”
“‘And I respect her wishes’.’
“NTA.”
“But asking everyone that’s harassing you to play pretend what the reason is, is not weird.”- Baudica
“Your wife is your family.”
“Parents, uncles, aunts… are your extended family.”
“Stand your ground, stand by your wife because when you give in to your extended family, you’re showing them that it’s ok to disrespect your wife.”-_twisted_ace_
“Die on the hill, my friend.”
“Your family’s behaviour towards you and most importantly, your wife, is not good enough.”
“Culture aside, if it feels wrong, it IS wrong.”
“Support the family you created, not the family who clearly does not care.”- Kippa-King
“Tradition is just peer-pressured from dead people.”
“You are allowed to say, I will not treat family this way and I choose to start new traditions.”
“Treat others as you wish to be treated.”- Neptune_Ferfer
“You’ve got along without them.”
“Life is not missing anything as a result of their absence.”
“Show them your metal and say ‘no thanks, I’ll keep things as they are. Have a nice life’.”
“I had a MIL like that, too.”
“Even in the hospital when she was dying, she refused to let my husband have a carton of milk sitting unused on her dinner tray, despite the fact he had been sitting by her bedside for 8 hours.”
“She said, ‘No, you can’t have that. D might want it later. You know how it is when you’re a parent’.”
“D was 59 ….. Golden Balls bled her dry, and she could see no wrong in him.”
“That statement broke my husband, and he didn’t see her again before she died, and it seems she didn’t care anyway.”
“He, too, felt like a POS, but she had treated him like one for years, and he has guilt still but no regrets.”
“He was a very good son, but she was too stupid-yes, stupid, blind, biased, ignorant-to realize what she was losing.”
“It was the final statement that broke the camel’s back.”
“Protect your headspace – you come first every time in a situation like this.”
“They do not get to go la la la la la with their fingers in their ears.”
“They accept they are wrong and acknowledge and apologise or you remain NC.”
“NTA.”- buttersismantequilla
The fact that the OP’s father took the initiative to reach out to the OP suggests that his family does miss him and wants him to be a part of it.
That doesn’t mean the OP is in any way obligated to rejoin them after the way they treated him.
In order to properly make amends, all relevant parties need to seek and exchange forgiveness, and respect is something that is earned, not guaranteed.