Try as we might, it's very difficult not to worry about how we are perceived in the eyes of others.
Even if we might not even cross these people's minds, sometimes we still find ourselves taking their actions, words and behavior personally.
Sometimes, it even negatively impacts important relationships and friendships.
The daughter of Redditor Outrageous-Jelly8777 had recently flown the coop and moved in with her boyfriend.
While the original poster (OP) was slowly getting used to this new arrangement, they were surprised and upset that their daughter's boyfriend was dragging their feet on a certain matter.
Eventually, leading the OP to take care of this matter himself.
A move that the OP's boyfriend felt "undermined" him.
Wondering if they stepped out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for fixing my daughter's car when her boyfriend said he'd handle it?"
The OP explained why they upset their daughter's boyfriend:
"My daughter (21 F[emale]) and I have always been pretty close."
"She moved in with her boyfriend a couple months ago."
"It was a little tough seeing her move out but I know she's an adult and building her own life."
"She drives an old Corolla with a lot of miles on it."
"A couple weeks ago she mentioned the steering wheel had started shaking when she got up to highway speeds and sometimes the front end would shudder when she braked."
"She told me her boyfriend said he would take care of it."
"Another week went by and it still hadn't been looked at."
"Last weekend she came by my place and said it was getting worse and it was starting to make her nervous to drive."
"So I took it for a quick drive and sure enough the wheel was shaking pretty good around 60 mph and it shuddered when I hit the brakes."
"I pulled the front wheels off in the driveway and it was pretty obvious the front brake rotors were warped and the brake pads were worn unevenly."
"I ran to the parts store, grabbed new rotors and pads, and swapped them out that afternoon."
"Took a couple hours and after that the car drove smooth again."
"My daughter was really happy and thanked me a bunch."
"To me it wasn't a big deal."
"I've worked on cars most of my life and she's my kid."
"A few days later she and her boyfriend came over for dinner."
"At one point he pulled me aside and told me I shouldn't have fixed the car."
"He said it was his responsibility as her boyfriend to handle that kind of thing and that by doing it myself I stepped on his toes."
"I told him I wasn't trying to prove anything."
"The car was getting worse and I just fixed it while she was there."
"Since then he's been pretty short with me and the vibe has been a little weird."
"My daughter says he feels like I undermined him."
"From my point of view she's still my daughter and if something on her car is unsafe and I can fix it in an afternoon I'm going to."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for fixing their daughter's car.
Everyone agreed that the OP should not have felt undermined by the OP, but grateful. H
ad they not fixed their daughter's car, she could have been seriously injured, with some even urging the OP to convince his daughter to end this relationship:
"NTA at all."
"The boyfriend showed that her safety was not a priority."
"Worn rotors are a safety issue."
"Hope she realizes this and ditches the boyfriend."
"If he can't make her a priority for something as important as her safety when driving, then that's pretty telling."- SuZe_Q_Skates
"NTA."
"When was he going to fix it?"
"When she got in an accident?"
"That's your BABY, you care for her more than he ever could."
"He's risking her safety by not fixing it sooner when he said he would."- Absolutely_Not_Kevin
"NTA."
"I'd be having a discussion with my daughter about how messed up it is that her boyfriend would rather have her driving around an unsafe car that could possibly hurt/kill her, and others, for however long it took him to get around to it as opposed to just being thankful it got done, and she's safe."-Dust601
"NTA."
"Your daughter's safety goes beyond his ego."- AcanthocephalaOne285
"NTA."
"I would have replied with 'then you should have done it'."- culdron
"NTA."
"But you should have used your Dad card and lit his @ss up about allowing your daughter to drive that car for as long as he did without fixing it."
"If he wants to be 'The Man,' then he needs to step up and do the work."
"If my experience tells me anything, her car still wouldn't be fixed if you hadn't taken care of it."-QBee_TNToms_Mom
"My boyfriend picked up pretty quickly that if he wanted to help me with something, he would have to do it quickly, or my dad would do it."
"That's how it goes."
"If he wants to be the one responsible for helping your daughter, then he needs to learn to take initiative."
"NTA."- poyotimebaby
"NTA."
"Well, she brought it up to me several times, and you hadn't fixed it yet, so I did. Next time, have a sense of urgency when it comes to my daughter's safety if you think you're a 'real man'."- Temeriki
"NTA."
"To be clear, you are asking whether you should have refused to use your vast car knowledge to fix your daughter's dangerous car for free when she asked you to, rather than possibly her dying on the way home, because her boyfriend had said he would fix it a week ago and hadn't even looked at it?"
"She needs to ditch this jerk."- TrustTechnical4122
"Uh, hell no."
"If my daughter has an issue and it's staring me in the face, then as her parents, we're going to fix it."
"The boyfriend sounds like he felt emasculated by her dad, which is weird."
"NTA OP, let your daughter know if she changes her mind, she's always welcome back home."-Intelligent-Panda-33
"She straight up CAME TO YOU for help with it."
"NTA."- LadyWinniePooh
"Talk to your daughter about her boyfriend putting his pride over her safety."
"This is something she should take into account."
"NTA."- TemporaryOwlet
"NTA."
"HE pulled YOU aside in your own home for taking care of your daughter fully with her permission?"
"The nerve of this guy."- nephelefent
"NTA."
"He had more than enough time to handle it. She was getting nervous to drive. At that point, it needed fixing, end of story."
"You are a great parent!"- Low-Secret-8054
"NTA, his feelings are not your priority here."
"Your daughter's safety is."-_Blupee
"NTA."
"He didn't handle it, so you did."- ConflictGullible392
"NTA."
"This comment would have me very concerned about whether this boyfriend has controlling tendencies."
"It's ridiculous to assume that you wouldn't step in to help your kid regardless, but especially with issues of safety."
"Ensuring a vehicle is safe to drive is not something that should wait until he gets around to it."
"I would have a conversation with your daughter about his statement if you think she'd be receptive to it."- Impressive_Letter_24
"NTA."
"It's still your job to keep your daughter safe, and he didn't treat it with the urgency it merited."
"My dad would have done the same."- Radiant_Annual_4027
"NTA."
"Boyfriend's attitude about you doing something to protect your daughter is worrisome."
"His behavior toward you is childish at best."- HighlyCaffein8edSoul
"NTA."
"I would've told him off on the spot for letting it get so far."
"Also for speaking to her gf's dad like that while just being a random boyfriend who can't even get stuff done on time."- _lefthook
"NTA."
"He wants control of your daughter."
"Not a team player for what's best for your daughter's safety."
"That's not a healthy relationship at all."
"Thanks for being a great parent to her. & be there for her always cause this relationship is gonna be a problem."- Karlette88
"NTA."
"Odd behavior from him."
"You did your job as a parent; he should be more thankful."- ChaosCam8008
"NTA, it's not a competition, it's literally public safety."- corner_tv
"NTA."
"Red flag."
"Make sure your daughter knows about this, and have her look out for more strange behavior."
"Stepping on his toes?"
"What?"- recreationalgluttony
"As the dad, I'm actually surprised that you don't pull him aside and say, 'If you ever put my daughter in danger like that again, we're going to have a serious discussion."
"He procrastinated fixing something that was potentially dangerous."
"He wasn't on top of it."
"The boyfriend should feel undermined; he's not a man of his word."
"NTA."- frankenberrysgrrl
The boyfriend of the OP's daughter had every right to feel embarrassed, as the OP quickly solved a problem he had been claiming he would solve for weeks.
However, if embarrassed is all he feels, he should consider himself lucky.
As he'd likely be feeling something much worse than embarrassment had something happened to the OP's daughter, all because he neglected to repair her car.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp