Content is like oxygen to an influencer.
They need it 24/7.
They will film anything, anywhere, at any time.
This can be very overwhelming to the people who surround them, especially loved ones.
Not everybody wants to be in the shot.
Redditor Mrs-Davis wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for Losing My Cool and Yelling at My 'Influencer' SIL Over Her Constant Filming and Lack of Respect for My Daughter's Boundaries?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have a 13-year-old daughter (S)."
"My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] has two boys (8 and 11) who are deep into the Canadian hockey/baseball travel‑tournament lifestyle."
"She's a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om] and went down the Insta/TikTok 'family lifestyle influencer' rabbit hole."
"Over the last year, she's leaned hard into the hockey mom thing by posting hotel reviews, game pics, and travel tips."
"She wants to turn her page into a full 'family brand.'"
"When her boys were younger, she used to say she wished she had a daughter to do 'girlie things' with."
"I included her in a few things with S, like picking out her first communion dress."
"Back then, she was sweet, supportive, and genuinely the 'cool aunt.'"
"Lately, every family thing has become content."
'She films everything, stages 'candid' moments, narrates like she's vlogging."
"At Christmas, she tried to dictate the whole day."
"Gifts, crafts, movies all became scripted."
"The older cousins hid in the basement to escape being filmed."
"S later told me she hated being recorded and didn't want to be on SIL's pages."
"Apparently, SIL kept pestering her to braid hair, decorate cookies, etc., for 'content.'"
"S didn't know how to shut it down, so she made herself as un‑influencer‑friendly as possible (eye rolls, nose picking, etc)."
"Last weekend we went out for my mum's 70th."
"SIL immediately started filming again, making the whole dinner awkward until her partner (my brother) snapped at her to stop."
"During dinner, S mentioned she was going dress shopping for her grade 8 graduation."
"SIL lit up and started pushing to come so she could 'expand her brand into full‑family content.'"
"I ignored her to discuss after dinner and in private, but she kept pushing."
"In the parking lot, she asked again for the time and place."
"I snapped."
"I told her MY daughter is not her prop, not her 'girl substitute,' and she does not have permission to film or post her."
"She got defensive and said I was 'stifling her creativity' and that she 'needs' my daughter because she doesn't have one."
"I told her off, loudly and colourfully."
"S heard, but with two parents who work in construction, she's heard worse."
"Later, SIL started a group chat saying I was rude, mean, and embarrassed her, and that 'everyone posts everything these days.'"
"She demanded an apology."
"I refused and reiterated our boundaries."
"My siblings backed me up and said they also don't want their kids in her content."
"SIL hasn't responded since."
"I know I raised my voice, but she has ignored every boundary."
"My priority was protecting S' boundaries."
"Unequivocally, I know I am NTA for that, and I will never apologize."
"However, my SIL just didn't get it."
"Also, any pics I have in my history of S are posted with her permission."
"My first go at writing this resulted in a 2000-word, 10,000-character count, so many details have been omitted."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA for yelling at SIL in the manner I did?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, but also, buy your daughter a couple of custom t-shirts and hoodies that say 'I do not consent to being filmed' and on the line below, have it reversed, so even if the image is mirrored, it is readable." ~ dngermom
"NTA. She doesn't get to use your daughter against her will to create contact. Period."
"S is not her substitute daughter."
"Too bad, so sad.'
"Influencer culture can be so toxic."
"If the only way you can make interesting content is to force your family to participate against their will, maybe you aren't much of an influencer after all." ~ Jodenaje
"Yes! There are real creeps out there."
"A woman influencer just shared an alarming post about her page's viewer analytics."
"Her page started as just her, then she started to have some family content."
"When it's just her, over 85% of her viewership is female (like it was when it was just her)."
"When she includes her kids, her viewership doubles it's 70% male." ~ aly_eva
"Raising your voice was the mildest thing you could have done."
"One day, someone is going to grab her phone and stick it up her ar*e."
"'Influencers' are the fakes of life who do as little as possible to feel relevant when they aren't." ~ Sassy-Peanut
"NTA... content creation becomes a sickness for desperate losers who have no talent."
"'Stifling her creativity' lmao, she has none, that's why she's making pointless content about her life."
"Sticking up for your daughter was most definitely justified." ~ Headup31
"NTA. First, your kid is old enough to consent to being filmed and posted on social media."
"Second, she is a minor, and you're the adult."
"You are allowed to protect your kid how you see fit."
"Third, more than one child has opted out of wanting to be SIL's prop at family functions."
"And multiple other adults are backing you up."
"Fourth, SIL probably isn't sharing the revenue from her content with the kids."
"If she wants to be an influencer, she doesn't get to demand free labor from the people she wants to film."
"And she clearly hasn't gotten signed consent forms from the other parents to show their kids." ~ RebeccaMCullen
"NTA. If the fact that the older cousins are hiding in the basement to avoid being filmed didn't tell her that she needed to stop, what else can you do but yell?"
"More sadly, your Mom is now 70, and she may or may not live to see another decade birthday."
"And your SIL ruined it for her."
"Your poor Mom."
"I'm sure she just wanted to be with her family, instead of having her grandchildren cowering for fear of being filmed and displayed like prize 4-H livestock at the county fair."
"Good for you for standing up to her."
"And fantastic job being a great role model to your daughter."
"Sometimes screaming is necessary, and your daughter saw you go to bat for her."
"Your daughter will never forget that. NTA." ~ Away-Specific5361
"NTA, you told her no, she didn't listen, so you had to go ballistic."
"Sounds like she still didn't listen."
"Keep standing up for your daughter." ~ Interesting_Wing_461
"NOPE. NTA."
"Does she understand the metrics of 'family' videos?"
"As far as who watches them?"
"There are way more men than women."
"Why is that?"
"I think we all know why."
"She is violating your daughter's privacy."
"She has not gotten consent from you or your child, and she is actually blowing past the word no over and over."
"She needs to take a step back, or she is gonna get told loudly that what she's doing is not ok."
"It's ok to yell at someone who is doing something violating to your child."
"She needs to stop being so naive with the internet, and if she wants to endanger her own kids, great."
"But she has no right to endanger yours."
"Yell at her, shake some sense into her, do whatever you have to do to make her understand that this is not acceptable behavior."
"Same for your family."
"They are looking the other way on this behavior." ~ purplepeopletreater
"I agree, definitely NTA and probably could have been a bit more diplomatic, but after being shut down multiple times by multiple people, it seems SIL was not getting the message and being very entitled to a girl who has the right to object to being filmed/posted online."
"And seeing the age of the girl, a very good time to support autonomy and boundaries."
"Along with the current news of exploited children and the possibilities of the content being used inappropriately, it's appalling that the SIL had to be chewed out to get the point." ~ Patient_Town1719
"Not particularly diplomatic, perhaps, but definitely NTA."
"Both you and your daughter have said no, but the 'cool aunt' has repeatedly crossed the line." ~ Due-Cry-1862
"As soon as your daughter told you she doesn't want to be on her page, you should have told SIL to take the videos with her off, S has every right to her own privacy."
"NTA for finally telling her off, though, just long overdue." ~ NapQueenSurpreme
"NTA, you were justified in your yelling."
"She was a pushy AH at every turn."
"She needs to learn that the world is not her stage and she cannot turn people into props or use other people's lives to further herself." ~ Not_Good_HappyQuinn
"NTA. S is a minor."
"She is not allowed to share anything about her without both of your consents."
"And most people do not post everything online, the world would go insane." ~ Riyokosan
OP came back to chat...
"There is no content containing my daughter online."
"Only her kids and partner."
"We are Canadian."
"Currently no laws about underage use of social media."
"S, as part of the school curriculum, is taught media literacy, digital literacy, and internet safety starting in the kindergarten years."
"Her partner is my brother."
"I did not address her pushing to come shopping in the restaurant, hoping to discuss it later and in private."
"Dinner was for my mum, so I didn't want to take away from that."
"I have told her a number of times, no photos or recording, usually over text."
"She continues to pester to use S."
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your SIL is so out of line.
It sounds more like she has an addiction.
You put up your boundaries to protect your daughter.
Stand firm.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp