Education prices today are staggering.
Paying for higher education can leave someone in debt for the rest of their life.
There are even elementary schools whose annual tuition amounts to more than a monthly mortgage.
That’s why parents become desperate.
But sometimes, the money isn’t available to spend.
Redditor Live-Penalty4882 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for ‘refusing to help get my nephew into a good school’ according to my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (38 M[ale]) have done very well for myself financially.”
“I won’t get into a lot of details, but my business makes high 6/low 7 figures in profit each year.”
“I am determined not to be an AH who just stockpiles money.”
“I live a very fulfilling life, but I also make sure to help my family (parents (60s) and my two brothers and their families).”
“The issue is this: one of my SILs teaches in a school in a very poor area.”
“I drop about 6 figures each year in charity to help her school and the students (paying for food, clothes, supplies, and even funding a few programs).”
“This is a separate help from what I provide to the rest of the family.”
“My other SIL has been looking into getting my nephew into some really fancy school, but since he hasn’t been with them since kindergarten, they are implying that he will only be accepted if his parents make a ‘substantial donation’ to the school.”
“My brother and SIL came to me asking me to provide said donation.”
“I refused, because I think it would be better to provide for kids that really need help instead of some hoity toity private school with a crest and long history.”
“Long story short, after a long back and forth, my SIL says that I am an AH for playing favorites, and for ruining my nephew’s future by refusing to help him get into this school.”
“I mean, I could afford to do so, but I am refusing out of principle.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, I teach in a school like that, and anytime friends help (coats, snacks, $ for grocery gift cards) it’s a gift to my students and their families, and not to me (or to my own children).”
“I am endlessly grateful because I love my students, but in no way is it making my own family any better off.”
“Donating to your SIL’s school is basically a charity donation that, in many cases, is literally helping kids to survive.”
“Donating to a fancy private school is further widening the gap between the haves and have-nots.” ~ ReadTeachTravel
“Tell her she can buy whatever place she can afford for her kid, but you are supporting public education. NTA.”
“I think you are doing something really great by donating where you know it’ll be put to good use.” ~ SeaworthinessDue8650
“NTA… charity and bribes are not really in the same category, in my honest opinion, and also as soon as someone calls me an AH, I stop being willing to give them money, full stop.” ~ dryadduinath
“Agreed. I wouldn’t even reconsider my stance if SIL called me an AH.”
“Her best bet would have been to stop pouting and try presenting once more in a calm, reasonable way why her request is anything but a bribe or extortion.”
“She knows that’s not the case and is likely in a twist because she hasn’t a leg to stand on.” ~ psykokittie
“NTA. It’s your money to do with as you please, and I agree with your stance about who to give it to.”
“Any school that has the audacity to demand a ‘donation,’ i.e., a bribe, is the last place that needs to be given money.” ~ Davalus
“You are NTA, and you’re already a very generous family and community member.”
“Giving money where it will make the biggest impact on the most people is both smart and kind.”
“Your nephew’s success at school and in life is not your responsibility.”
“Gaining entrance into an exclusive school through bribery doesn’t teach much about being a decent person.”
“It’s not the kind of message you’d want to give to your nephew.”
“His parents have mixed up priorities.” ~ Moulin-Rougelach
“NTA- those upper-class private schools can be downright nasty.”
“And your nephew’s future is not ‘ruined’- he can do just fine in a public school depending on his work ethic.” ~ musical_nerd99
“My partner and I are finally in a really comfortable position, and we are bringing high six figures this year (second year, yay us! So many f**king bills to catch up lol).”
“We talked about getting our child in a private school, and my opinion is simply to keep her in a public school and donate money to them.”
“I like to believe that donating the money to a public school helps all of the kids in it, and that is a way to invest in our children’s future.”
“This will be the grown-ups sharing the world with her, and I want to make sure they are fed and have a good base for life.”
“NTA.” ~ Anxious_Yam_4910
“Thank you so much for thinking this way!”
“There are so many great ways to help in a public school – offering to sponsor grocery gift cards for lower-income families, arranging for enrichment experiences at the school, subsidizing field trips.”
“Invested parents make a huge difference.” ~ ReadTeachTravel
“NTA. In one scenario, you are giving charity to help kids who otherwise go without.”
“It isn’t directly for the benefit of your SIL.”
“If you donate a ‘love gift’ to a snooty private school to help your nephew get in, you’re helping one kid reinforce the status quo.”
“Maybe tell your SIL you’ll contribute the same amount to the private school that she and your brother donated to the underprivileged school.”
“So probably close to zero.” ~ Upper_Assignment9201
“NTA. You are absolutely doing the right thing by not buying their way into an elitist institution.”
“That basically goes against everything you stand for by donating to the regular school.” ~ JenninMiami
“Isn’t that the parent’s responsibility to make sure their kids get a good education?”
“Am I wrong here?”
“I personally got to help my two youngest siblings through school, and then I did again with my nephew and niece.”
“Because I wanted and I was able to do it. NTA.” ~ PowerfulStrike5664
“Obviously NTA.”
“You also know these donations aren’t a one-time thing.”
“So even if you somehow were convinced to make this one, there will be the table you ‘have’ to buy at this charity event, and then an increased budget of donations for them so their kid fits in.”
“Who knows, probably even including your SIL needing a new car so that your nephew doesn’t feel embarrassed during school pickup.”
“I would also just be mindful of how your SIL explains this to your nephew, to avoid her trying to vilify you with this.”
But of course, NTA and I 100% agree with your logic.”
“If I were you, I’d rather my money go to people in need and not add to the endowment fund of an uptight private school.” ~ Berly653
“NTA. I’m at a loss for words.”
“You are not an a**hole.”
“Not by a long shot.”
“You are an ultra amazing human for everything you currently do.”
“She’s trying to take advantage and is acting very entitled.”
“I’m glad you see that.” ~ Narrow-Childhood3499
“NTA. First of all, it’s your money, and they are not entitled to it.”
“Second, why on earth would they want to send their son to a school that is essentially blackmailing them (or you, by extension)?”
“I assume this school charges a hefty tuition. AND, they want to pressure them (you) into making a big donation as well?”
“How many other demands would they be willing to make in the coming years?”
“That place sounds sketchy as hell.” ~ IcyTrouble3799
“NTA. I don’t know if she would care, but if the subject continues, it’s as simple as leaving a ton of kids in the dust just so one could have a luxury.”
“Consider the difference that ‘donation’ would make for kids who genuinely rely on charity.”
“That private school doesn’t need that money.”
“She’s an AH.” ~ Short-Complex-2410
“Definitely NTA.”
“Your donation to the public school helps hundreds of kids.”
“A donation to a private school is not helping anyone except your nephew get into said school.” ~ Ok_Ant_9815
“NTA. If there is a necessary bribe to get in, when does it end?”
“Additional tutoring, uniform, equipment, trips, tests, and exam results.”
“Sponsoring a school in general for kids in genuine need is completely different from funding one lone kid in a fancy private school, especially for his parents’ ego and their playing of the family card.” ~ Acceptable-Net-154
“NTA. It would be different if your nephew had some kind of learning/development/disability requirement that only this school could cater to and NEEDED to go there, but it doesn’t sound like he does, so I suspect your SiL wants to send him there just so she can say her child goes to this school.” ~ TaniaYukanana
“I think your mistake was letting people know how much you make.”
“Tell them your business when belly up and that you are figuring things out.”
“Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.”
“NTA, but stop sharing your salary.”
“And this goes for everyone.” ~ LowBalance4404
Reddit is with you, OP.
First of all, how is this not extortion on the part of the school?
Research may need to be done.
Asking for donations on top of tuition?
Seriously?
Your family is just going to have to figure it out.
There are most certainly other schooling options.
Good Luck.