There are basic life skills that every person should know, preferably while they still live in their childhood home, but at least by the time they move out.
Because when a person cannot keep their clothes or home clean, or cook a simple meal for themselves, they not only cannot take care of themselves, but they can not meaningfully contribute to a romantic relationship or partnership with a roommate, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor NoFun-22 recently moved in with her boyfriend and discovered that his parents had not taught him any life skills, and at first, she thought it would be fun to help him learn as a part of them growing together as a couple.
But when it became too taxing to take care of the home, cook, and teach her boyfriend these skills, the Original Poster (OP) decided that her boyfriend would just have to teach himself.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to keep ‘teaching’ my boyfriend basic life skills?”
The OP’s boyfriend moved in, not knowing any basic life skills.
“My boyfriend (25 Male) and I (23 Female) moved in together a few weeks ago.”
“He’s always lived at home with his parents, where his mom did literally everything for him, including laundry, cooking, cleaning, and all of that.”
“So when he moved in with me, he asked me to help him ‘learn’ how to do things, and at first, I thought it was kind of cute.”
The OP tried to be patient and started to teach him how to cook.
“I figured we’d start with cooking since it’s a basic life skill, and he does like food. So every night while I cooked, he’d hang around the kitchen, helping in small ways while I explained what I was doing, how to chop stuff, when to season things, what to watch for on the stove.”
“Then this week, I found a few super simple recipes for things he already likes, and I told him to try cooking on his own.”
“He tried for a bit but then suddenly didn’t know how to cut stuff, or said, ‘It just tastes better when you do it,’ and I ended up stepping in, like always.”
The OP quickly became fed up with the routine.
“It’s not just cooking, either. I’ve been doing most of the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, picking up after him, and even reminding him to take the trash out.”
“When I ask him to help, he gives me this look like he’s never even heard of a vacuum cleaner before. Sometimes he’ll start something and then get kind of stuck or confused, and just wait for me to finish it.”
“And sometimes he just doesn’t do it at all, like he knows if he waits long enough, I’ll get annoyed and just do it myself.”
The OP finally put her foot down.
“I told him I didn’t sign up to be his second mom and that he needs to let go of this whole ‘I can’t do it’ thing he pulls to get out of helping. I’m pretty sure it’s weaponized incompetence at this point, even if he wouldn’t call it that, because it feels like that’s exactly what’s happening.”
“Because he’s not incapable! So I don’t think he understands how draining it is to constantly have to guide and encourage him through everything, like I’m the only one responsible for noticing what needs to get done.”
“It’s not just doing the chores, it’s thinking about them, keeping track, following up, and then feeling like the bad guy when I ask for basic help.”
The OP’s boyfriend did not appreciate the feedback.
“He got kind of upset after I said that and told me relationships are about helping each other, and that maybe I could be a little nicer to him or something.”
“But I don’t get it. I’ve been helping so much already. It’s just really frustrating when I ask him to do the simplest things and he’s like, ‘I don’t know how’ or ‘You do it way better.'”
“I told my mom, and she said I should be grateful he even wants to learn at all.”
“He thinks maybe I just don’t want to help him understand or be more patient with him.”
“But I don’t think it’s too much to expect a 25-year-old grown man to at least try to figure out how to do basic stuff without me holding his hand every step of the way.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP and reassured her that her boyfriend was a grown man.
“My partner is like yours, lived at home, had no idea how to do any cleaning/cooking: I told him he is in charge of food: cooking, shopping, planning. I’ll do everything else.”
“This is a good one because you can’t forget, your stomach will remind you. And guys usually get hungry first. He can ask you for ‘help,’ and you can supervise, but don’t you dare pick up a kitchen utensil, or he will go sit on the couch.”
“If he doesn’t do it, he has to order delivery and pay for it. Either his stomach or his wallet will be screaming after a month if he doesn’t learn to cook.”
“If he gives you any sh*t, list off all the cleaning you did recently. Maybe keep a secret stash of snacks so you don’t starve.” – Pristine_Cow5623
“He is grown. I assume he has a full-time job, yes? That means he has the ability to learn and retain knowledge, and he is just choosing to do neither with you because he knows you will do it.”
“If this is what you’re okay with doing for the rest of your life, rock on. But is this really what you want to be doing for the rest of your life? And while I’m sure your mom‘s husband/your father is a lovely man, your mom‘s standards are very low in the area of helping with basic household chores.”
“Expect more. NTA.” – GardenHobbit
“When he says, ‘I don’t know how to do it,’ try this: ‘You are a grown a** man. Figure it out for yourself. I did, and you can, too. I have faith in you.'” – GoodFriday10
“When he says, ‘I don’t know how to do it,’ look him dead in the eye and say, ‘Neither do I. Huh. That’s weird.'”
“And stick to it. He doesn’t remember how to do laundry? Neither do you. Cooking? Impossible.”
“Stop jumping in and doing it for him. Mirror his unconvincing incompetence back at him. After all, it’s just as believable that he ‘doesn’t know how’ to do something as it is that you have suddenly and inexplicably forgotten.”
“He has worked out that he can avoid tasks he finds boring by making you do it for him. That this is unfair and takes up your time at the expense of your leisure and rest doesn’t matter to him.”
“Right now, you occasionally put him through an awkward conversation about it, but then crucially, go back to doing the task. He considers that a price worth paying. Make the price higher.” – Sendintheaardwolves
“We’re really overthinking this. Boyfriend is simply trying to train the OP to do it all for him. He’s halfway there because she gets frustrated with him pretending not to know basic s**t and goes ahead and does it herself.”
“In my humble opinion, this is one primary way you can tell that you’re with a selfish person who doesn’t mind burdening you to lighten their own load.” – CartoonishFirst5298
Others shared how they were better equipping their kids with life skills so as not to create more OPs in the future.
“My teenager does this when he has to do dishes by hand. We only got a dishwasher a year ago. It was his chore to hand wash dishes except for cooking pans (because those are usually harder or need a specific cleaning process).”
“We ran out of dishwasher pods recently. I told my teen he needs to wash dishes by hand until I go to Costco in a few days, and I’ll up his allowance by a few bucks. He agreed, but he washed the dishes so poorly, I had ended up rewashing them anyway…”
“And my 10-year-old? They will do the absolute worst job sweeping as if they’re blind, but can cook basic meals now…”
“I try to be nonchalant and not sweat the small things as a parent, but I will not send my kids off unable to be an adult. They will cook, clean, and even do oil changes/sew buttons/unclog a drain, and they will not put all of the household load and mental load on their future partners.” – Mysterious-Type-9096
“Send his weaponized incompetence a** back to his mommy and daddy to finish f**king raising him. That is some bulls**t.”
“Society tends to put the bulk of child rearing squarely on the mothers, but the fact that this young man behaves the way he does is because most likely this was how he was raised.”
“Dad did nothing, and his mother did all of the housework, chores, etc. So he believes he can just ‘relax’ while he has his bang-mommy take care of him. Regardless, how he is behaving is bulls**t. And women need to stop putting up with it.” – genxindifference
“Evidently, the job of teaching him how to do the basics will never be done if it never began AND he’s 25. Mom did him no favors; and he’s now a mixture of true incompetence AND weaponized incompetence.”
“He’s not the OP’s responsibility. NTA.” – BefuddledPolydactyls
“When my boys were younger, and sometimes it took more effort to make them do the work versus me just doing it for them, I would think of their future girlfriends/spouses and insist on them learning to do things. I didn’t want my future daughters-in-law to resent me! NTA.” – runnergirl3333
“I have one of each: boy first and then my baby girl. They both can cook, clean, and launder dirty linens. They have been capable since they could reach. I think I lucked out, because they both begged me to learn how to manage a house.”
“My son was my dishwasher at three and four years old, because he loved the soap and water, and he loved to HELP. They both took great pride in being my biggest helpers.”
“So grateful for my awesome kids. Their dad wasn’t much help, and they beyond made up for it, lol. And I know they’ll be set up for life, whether they live alone or have a partner.” – HeyPrettyLadyMaam
“OP, this is classic weaponized incompetence. He should be embarrassed by his behavior because it’s pathetic. He wants to play at being an adult without actually taking any responsibility to learn how to be an adult.”
“My teen son asked me to teach him how to cook. As I showed him, he pulled out his phone and took detailed notes. He repeatedly told me, ‘Let me try that. Like this?’ I constantly had to step back so he could do it BECAUSE HE WANTED TO LEARN.”
“By the third time, he was doing it on his own flawlessly. We still make pizza together, because it’s fun. The other night, the dough was a little sticky, so I put some corn flour under the cornmeal on the pan. He saw me and grilled, ‘What did you just do? That’s not on my list? Why isn’t that on my list?’ lol By the end, we were both laughing so hard as he accused me of hiding steps.”
“He’s my youngest. His siblings are all capable young adults in their 20s. The common thread: when they wanted to learn something, the phrase, ‘No, let me do it,’ was the most common one I heard.”
“Vacuuming (plug it in, turn it on, push), and what else is there to understand? That’s what I’d tell my teen. If he said, ‘You do it better,’ I’d say, ‘Of course, I’ve had more practice. Now you need practice. Just do it.'”
“If he says he forgot how to cut something, cut ONE slice. Say, ‘Like that, now you do it,’ and walk away.”
“Your choice is to refuse to play into his weaponized incompetence or break up with him. As it stands, he’s not ready to live on his own, and he’s decided you’re his new mommy, so if he acts helpless, you’ll just do everything for him like his mom did. YUCK.” – Lucky_Platypus341
The subReddit could not believe how the OP’s boyfriend was behaving and encouraged her to continue to stand up for herself and not accept her boyfriend’s incompetence.
If the boyfriend wanted to remain in the relationship, he needed to work on himself, starting with his ability to do basic household chores. He didn’t always know how to care for himself or do the requirements of his professional job, and he learned them, so he can learn this, too.