Living with friends can be a wonderful thing. There’s always someone to hang out with, conflicts can often be resolved with more direct communication than random roommates have, and there’s never any commute to spending the day with a buddy.
But sometimes people go overboard with all that comfort.
A recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit showed readers just how comfortable some roommates apparently can get.
The Original Poster (OP), known as CavIsClosed on the site, titled the post with a question that made it clear she wasn’t sure how to proceed: WIBTA, as in, “Would I Be the A**hole?”
“WIBTA for making my roommate pay to replace my panties?”
OP began with a quick description of the house setup.
“Earlier this year, one of my friends [29-year-old male, we’ll call him Taylor], moved in with my boyfriend [25-year-old male, we’ll call him Charlie] and me [23-year-old female].”
“Taylor and I work together and became really close friends. I introduced him to my boyfriend, and now the 3 of us are friends.”
“However, I am closer to Taylor than my boyfriend because Taylor and I have bonded over similar traumatic experiences.”
They felt nothing but trust leaving for a few days.
“The other day, Charlie and I left for a little weekend trip. Taylor agreed to take care of our dog while we were away, which we were happy about.”
“Charlie and I have a security camera in our bedroom. This camera is aimed at the bedroom door and bathroom door (we have a bathroom attached to our room).”
But then there was an unexpected development.
“Minutes after we left, we got a notification that there was motion in our room. We checked the cameras and saw Taylor just standing in our room.”
“Over the next 30 minutes, he went in and out of our room about 7 times.”
“It’s important to note that up until this point we have sincerely valued privacy. We never go in his room unless he states it’s okay, and vise versa. So we were surprised to see him just walking in on his own.”
Things became a little clearer after that.
“The 8th time he went into our room we saw him go over to my dresser and dig through my panty drawer.”
“He picked out a pair of panties, pulled down his boxers and pants, put my panties on, and then put his boxers and pants back on over it.”
“A few minutes later he returned wearing one of my tank tops when he noticed the camera. He slowly backed out of the room.”
“But then he returned later and continued digging through my panty drawer. He returned multiple times later to dig through my panties.”
“All of this is recorded and saved on video.”
OP’s next steps were clear.
“Seeing how he invaded our privacy and wore my underwear made me feel sick and needs to be addressed.”
“We don’t want to make Taylor feel ashamed for cross-dressing, but what he did with MY clothing was disgusting.”
“I know as soon as we get back home I’m going to throw away all my underwear and Charlie is going to install a deadbolt on our bedroom door.”
“We don’t feel comfortable confronting him about it until we return home and are able to deadbolt our door.”
OP closed with a question.
“Would I be the a**hole if I made him pay to replace all my underwear AND pay for the hardware for our bedroom deadbolt?”
“The only reason I need those things now is because he invaded my privacy.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Nearly every Redditor assured OP she wouldn’t be an a**hole for asking him to replace her undies.
In fact, some encouraged her to take things further.
“NTA. Cross dressing is one thing, raiding your panty draw and invading your privacy is another. When you talk to him, make sure to lead with that you support people of that lifestyle and if that’s what he was doing, then he needs to buy his own clothes for it.”
“I’d make him pay for the panties, dead bolt, and tell him that he’s out when the lease is up. I wouldn’t stand for that level of disrespect. It has nothing to do with his identity, only the invasion” — Monkeyfighter13
“NTA but this is creepy as fu**, I mean he barely waited for you to drive away before he went to town. That screams fetish to me & honestly I’m really surprised you still intend to live with this guy after he did that.” — sweet_f*g
“NTA but you are going to have to move. If he just wanted to cross dress he could just go to the store and buy women’s underwear, he wanted to wear YOUR underwear that’s what makes it fu**ed up” — ninobrown79
Some emphasized the thin line between cross-dressing and crossing a boundary.
“NTA. WTF. It’s not that he wears women’s clothes, it’s that he invaded your room and wore yours.”
“Yes he should replace your clothes. Then he needs a new place to live.” — PtEternity29
“NTA. And forget the deadbolt, give this creep an eviction notice. Problems or not, rummaging through your underwear and trying them on isn’t a red flag as much as it is a red fireworks show.”
“I highly doubt this was about him just experimenting with his identity. If it was, he would just buy his own stuff. No, this was directed at you. Sexual behavior or not, he went out of his way to violate your privacy in a way both disgusting and bizarre.”
“I predict the deadbolt for your bedroom will just be another challenge to conquer if you let him stay.” — TarantulaPets
“NTA. Just… WTF, man. The cross-dressing isn’t the problem but he invaded your privacy by going into your room and stole your underwear.”
“That’s such a huge violation of boundaries, I honestly don’t know if I could continue to be comfortable living with him.” — cillianellis
While there’s no undoing the discomfort OP was forced to feel, she can at least feel some confidence in the way she responded to the creepy situation.