Living with friends can be a wonderful thing. There's always someone to hang out with, conflicts can often be resolved with more direct communication than random roommates have, and there's never any commute to spending the day with a buddy.
But sometimes people go overboard with all that comfort.
A recent post on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit showed readers just how comfortable some roommates apparently can get.
The Original Poster (OP), known as CavIsClosed on the site, titled the post with a question that made it clear she wasn't sure how to proceed: WIBTA, as in, "Would I Be the A**hole?"
"WIBTA for making my roommate pay to replace my panties?"
OP began with a quick description of the house setup.
"Earlier this year, one of my friends [29-year-old male, we'll call him Taylor], moved in with my boyfriend [25-year-old male, we'll call him Charlie] and me [23-year-old female]."
"Taylor and I work together and became really close friends. I introduced him to my boyfriend, and now the 3 of us are friends."
"However, I am closer to Taylor than my boyfriend because Taylor and I have bonded over similar traumatic experiences."
They felt nothing but trust leaving for a few days.
"The other day, Charlie and I left for a little weekend trip. Taylor agreed to take care of our dog while we were away, which we were happy about."
"Charlie and I have a security camera in our bedroom. This camera is aimed at the bedroom door and bathroom door (we have a bathroom attached to our room)."
But then there was an unexpected development.
"Minutes after we left, we got a notification that there was motion in our room. We checked the cameras and saw Taylor just standing in our room."
"Over the next 30 minutes, he went in and out of our room about 7 times."
"It's important to note that up until this point we have sincerely valued privacy. We never go in his room unless he states it's okay, and vise versa. So we were surprised to see him just walking in on his own."
Things became a little clearer after that.
"The 8th time he went into our room we saw him go over to my dresser and dig through my panty drawer."
"He picked out a pair of panties, pulled down his boxers and pants, put my panties on, and then put his boxers and pants back on over it."
"A few minutes later he returned wearing one of my tank tops when he noticed the camera. He slowly backed out of the room."
"But then he returned later and continued digging through my panty drawer. He returned multiple times later to dig through my panties."
"All of this is recorded and saved on video."
OP's next steps were clear.
"Seeing how he invaded our privacy and wore my underwear made me feel sick and needs to be addressed."
"We don't want to make Taylor feel ashamed for cross-dressing, but what he did with MY clothing was disgusting."
"I know as soon as we get back home I'm going to throw away all my underwear and Charlie is going to install a deadbolt on our bedroom door."
"We don't feel comfortable confronting him about it until we return home and are able to deadbolt our door."
OP closed with a question.
"Would I be the a**hole if I made him pay to replace all my underwear AND pay for the hardware for our bedroom deadbolt?"
"The only reason I need those things now is because he invaded my privacy."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Nearly every Redditor assured OP she wouldn't be an a**hole for asking him to replace her undies.
In fact, some encouraged her to take things further.
"NTA. Cross dressing is one thing, raiding your panty draw and invading your privacy is another. When you talk to him, make sure to lead with that you support people of that lifestyle and if that's what he was doing, then he needs to buy his own clothes for it."
"I'd make him pay for the panties, dead bolt, and tell him that he's out when the lease is up. I wouldn't stand for that level of disrespect. It has nothing to do with his identity, only the invasion" -- Monkeyfighter13
"NTA but this is creepy as fu**, I mean he barely waited for you to drive away before he went to town. That screams fetish to me & honestly I'm really surprised you still intend to live with this guy after he did that." -- sweet_f*g
"NTA but you are going to have to move. If he just wanted to cross dress he could just go to the store and buy women's underwear, he wanted to wear YOUR underwear that's what makes it fu**ed up" -- ninobrown79
Some emphasized the thin line between cross-dressing and crossing a boundary.
"NTA. WTF. It's not that he wears women's clothes, it's that he invaded your room and wore yours."
"Yes he should replace your clothes. Then he needs a new place to live." -- PtEternity29
"NTA. And forget the deadbolt, give this creep an eviction notice. Problems or not, rummaging through your underwear and trying them on isn't a red flag as much as it is a red fireworks show."
"I highly doubt this was about him just experimenting with his identity. If it was, he would just buy his own stuff. No, this was directed at you. Sexual behavior or not, he went out of his way to violate your privacy in a way both disgusting and bizarre."
"I predict the deadbolt for your bedroom will just be another challenge to conquer if you let him stay." -- TarantulaPets
"NTA. Just... WTF, man. The cross-dressing isn't the problem but he invaded your privacy by going into your room and stole your underwear."
"That's such a huge violation of boundaries, I honestly don't know if I could continue to be comfortable living with him." -- cillianellis
While there's no undoing the discomfort OP was forced to feel, she can at least feel some confidence in the way she responded to the creepy situation.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.