Service dogs are considered necessary medical decices under the law in the United States and many other nations.
Businesses and public spaces can’t exclude a service dog unless it’s a matter of safety for the animal—for example a roller coaster cannot safely accomodate a dog.
But what if the people who want a service dog excluded are the disabled person’s own family?
A woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over just such a scenario.
Pinehollow111 asked:
“AITA for telling my dad he shouldn’t have had kids?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (32, female) have a service dog. She is task trained. She does deep pressure therapy for mental illness. She is not an ESA.”
“My parents host Thanksgiving. A few years ago, my grandma adopted this woman, Barbara (50s, female) who is scared of dogs.”
“She was adopted as a full grown adult, either in her late 40s or early 50s at the time. She doesn’t have special needs—she just wanted a legal family.”
“When she comes to Thanksgiving, my parents board their dog for her. Every year, I tell my dad that I want to go to Thanksgiving, but I am told I can’t attend because Barbara is afraid of dogs.”
“Usually what happens is I’m forced to stay home and my mom drops off leftover food later.”
“My friend often offers to let me go to her parents will all of my dogs, but it’s a long drive so I normally stay home. It’s also super hard for me to accept the invitation, because it makes the rejection from my own family seem more harsh.”
“I told him that I’m his daughter and I should come first. He still wouldn’t cave.”
“Finally, out of frustration, I told him that if he wasn’t willing to put the needs of someone he chose to create above some random adult lady that my grandma decided to adopt, he shouldn’t have had kids and hung up.”
“So was I the a**hole? Did I go too far?”
The OP later added:
“I should add that I don’t have an issue with adoption. My little sis is adopted and she’s the same as my bio sis. My parents also adopted my little sister as an adult, so it’s not uncommon in my family.”
“My grandma adopted Barbara legally since she didn’t have a family of her own. It was purely symbolic, but she is legally part of this family.”
“I think the adoption was 5 years ago. I don’t know how long my grandma has known her. Nobody else in the family knew her prior to the adoption. It was kind of a ‘surprise you have a new family member’ moment.”
“I don’t have an issue with the adoption and the only issue I have with Barbara is her fear of dogs and unwillingness to work on it. I’ve been working on my mental health and my ability to be without Maggie, but some things I can’t do without her.”
“To answer some questions, I am severely bipolar. I have had multiple psychotic episodes. I do not have aggressive or dangerous behaviors, though. I use a combination of medications, weighted blankets, compression sheets, body sacks, and a service dog. Nothing comes close to the effect Maggie has.”
“I have tried to offer compromises every year.”
“Barbara wasn’t in the picture before I required the use of a service dog, so that wasn’t a concern back then. Since then, I have attended Thanksgivings that she hasn’t been to. If I can’t bring Maggie, that means I cannot attend.”
“I started off nicely with my dad, but after asking nicely, offering up solutions and compromises, reassuring him Maggie would behave, etc… I became very upset with him.”
“I also would like to add that I recognize the ADA act does not apply to private residences. My point of that was they do not make you disclose disabilities because it’s not up to the general public to decide who qualifies as disabled enough to use certain equipment.
“Also, I am allowed to attended with Maggie if Barbara does not attend, as well as I am allowed to attend without Maggie, but due to the nature of my disabilities, that’s not feasible.”
“My parents have no issue with me attending with all 3 of my dogs if Barbara isn’t there. I’m welcome in their home anytime with them, except for holidays when she does attend. Unfortunately, holidays are when I like going because it’s a chance to see the rest of my family.”
“To those of you who think I just recently started attending, I went all the time except right after my hospitalization. Then, after that, I wasn’t capable of going out anywhere until I got Maggie.”
“I have tried to attend every year since, but every year Barbara wants to attend, she gets priority. There was one year she didn’t come and Maggie and I went and we had a great time.”
“My parents know Maggie well and like her. I go out to eat with my parents on a regular basis and they see her work. They know she is well behaved and won’t cause an issue.”
“Splitting the time wouldn’t be fair because one of us would miss out on eating with the family.”
“Barbara came into the picture when I still was working with my old service dog. Back then I was able to be without her for short periods.”
“A few years ago, not only did my disability get a lot worse, but my Grandma also did something directly that also added to the trauma, so I can’t be around her without Maggie.”
“You guys are also correct on the fact that my dad does not respect the fact that I’m mentally ill. My mom constantly tries to explain it to him, but he doesn’t listen.”
“I am severely bipolar. Before you judge that, just know that I experience it a lot more severely than most, I can cycle through moods in weeks or days. I am one of the most medicated patients my doctor has.”
“Maggie works better than most meds to keep me out of a manic or hypomanic state. I have had several psychotic breaks already before I got her.”
“I don’t talk to my grandma, but I like to see the rest of my family and eat the dinner with them.”
“Barbara and my grandma don’t come down every year for Thanksgiving. She was adopted 5-6 years ago, and have been down for 3. One year, there wasn’t one because of COVID.”
“The other one without her, I went with Maggie, but the ones with her I was told I wasn’t welcome by my dad. I did offer compromises, like leaving Maggie in the bedroom, but my dad wouldn’t allow that either.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“She might have as much right to be there as me and should be considered family just like me.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. It’s a service dog, not a pet dog. It isn’t going to be a jumping, barking, in-your-face personality because service dogs don’t do that when they are working.”
“If you were a wheelchair user and Barbara was deathly afraid of wheelchairs due to being run over as a child, I doubt your dad would tell you to just leave your wheelchair at home. A service dog is an assistive aid, not a pet, and should be treated as such.”
“Your dad really should have your back on this. It’s honestly heartbreaking if you can’t rely on your parents to have your back with regards to your disability. Barbara should be told she’s welcome but that your service dog will be in attendance, and that it will be working and therefore will not be in her face.” ~ mhmcmw
“NTA. If they say you can be without your service dog for a few hours, then you can say your ‘aunt’ can tolerate a dog for a few hours.” ~ AspectNo1992
“I definitely think you went a bit nuclear with that comment but I don’t fault you for being over the edge with this. Your Father should be putting his foot down and telling Barbara either she deals politely with his daughters service dog or she doesn’t come.”
“I am willing to bet he has chosen you to go against because he thinks you will make less fuss and he knows his Mom won’t come without Barbara. NTA.” ~ EsharaLight
“Unequivocally, I am accommodating my child before Grandma’s friend. If Grandma is asking for the ‘no dog’ policy knowing it would result in her grandchild’s exclusion, then she is the a**hole along with OP’s father.”
“Seriously, his decision seemingly suggests Barbara is more important than his own child. There could well be more to it but based on the information provided you are NTA.” ~ Cool-Blackberry-785
“NTA. I’d be pissed and hurt as well. Never heard of adult adoption, but the adult adoptee would have the option to face her fear, or not come. You are simply excluded due to disability. Not cool.” ~ Maleficent_End5852
“NTA. He needs to put the needs of his disabled kid first. Not even trying to find a way you both can come and just automatically telling you you can’t come is weird as hell and cruel from them. I’m sorry OP.” ~ xenoflower3
“NTA. You need your service dog. The people saying you can’t go somewhere because you need her are a**holes because they’re your family, not because it’s an accessibility issue.”
“I think you’re dad prioritizing some random a** adult human your grandma adopted as an adult is not only super f*cking weird, but it definitely makes him the a**hole here.” ~ AllTheBlankets1
Thanksgiving is approaching and it doesn’t seem like OP has a solution to her problem unless her father has a change of heart.