Content Warning: Stillborn Baby, Grieving Process, Baby Names
No one can prepare a new parent for the early days of being a parent, how hard childbirth can be, and what the interrupted, sleepless nights actually feel like. But they also don’t tell you how it could feel to have all of that taken away from you in an instant.
Parents of stillborn babies and children lost far too young are still parents, and there’s no What to Expect book to help them through grieving and life after becoming parents, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor lilbrusk wanted more than anything to be a mother and was utterly devastated when her daughter, Riley, was stillborn.
But when her brother and sister-in-law later gave their baby her name but spelled it “Rylee,” claiming that the Original Poster (OP) had no room to complain because she “didn’t even have a baby,” she questioned how she could possibly stay in contact with them.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for cutting off my brother over his daughter’s name?”
The OP was thrown into a depression when her daughter was stillborn.
“I (27 Female) and my sister-in-law (SIL) (32 Female) found out that we were pregnant only two weeks apart from each other. She and I were best friends at the time. We went baby shopping and everything together.”
“My husband at the time and I were so excited, we picked the name Riley when I was only 10 weeks along. Our crib bedding, baby book, and even newborn outfit, all had the name ‘Riley’ on them.”
“Unfortunately, I lost my baby three months before my due date, resulting in a stillbirth. I then found out I was infertile after, making another pregnancy incredibly unlikely.”
“I was crushed. I always wanted to be a mom. I was still happy for my brother and sister-in-law, although seeing her get to still be pregnant hurt.”
The OP was even more hurt when she found out what her twin nieces’ names were.
“They found out they were having twin girls, and I pushed through my pain and would still ask her about the pregnancy, like details about the baby shower, the room decor, and the girls’ names.”
“I noticed she was being really secretive about the names, but I didn’t think much of it at the time.”
“That was until I went to the hospital, overjoyed but also with my heart in shambles still, to meet my nieces for the first time. They handed me one girl, and I asked what her name was. ‘Rae-lynn.'”
“I then saw my brother holding the other and asked hers. The room fell silent. Her mom, who knew none the wiser, said, ‘Ry-lee.'”
“I know the spelling isn’t the same, but the way I almost fell to my knees, seeing a newborn baby in perfect health with the same name as mine, who I had lost only three months earlier.”
“It was hard enough holding a healthy baby that wasn’t mine at the time, but knowing I would hear the same name as mine all the time sent me into a deep depression.”
“I really tried hard to still be a good aunt, but the sting of hearing that name and seeing a beautiful, healthy baby attached to it felt like me losing my baby all over again.”
“Someone even came into my job with a kid named Riley, and I broke down in tears.”
The OP’s brother and sister-in-law were totally apathetic to her feelings.
“My brother and sister-in-law have complained a lot about me not being as present with my nieces as I am with my other brother’s children.”
“But the name sticks out like a sore thumb. Everyone knows, but it’s just ignored, and I’m expected to get over it.”
“They even asked me for my baby’s stuff, and I gave it to them, totally numb. Her friend asked why the name was spelled wrong, and her sister told her it was my baby’s name, and I was nice enough to give them my deceased baby’s items.”
Even a few years later, the OP struggled to be around that portion of her family.
“Finally, it’s been a few years. It’s still hard for me to be around them, but not as much because of the name and grief, but more because someone who was my best friend and my own brother would be willing to hurt me like that.”
“It all came to a head when they pushed me to answer why I’m more involved with my other brother’s children (I see the twins four to five times a year and my other brother’s kids around once a month).”
“I felt cornered by them, so I finally broke the silence and said it was because of the name Rylee.”
“My sister-in-law said, ‘It’s a family name,’ referring to not Rylee but Leigh because that’s her mother’s middle name.”
“My brother also said it doesn’t matter because they can’t steal a baby name when I don’t even have a baby.”
“So I know years have passed (the twins are five now), and if I went no contact back then, it would be understandable, but I feel like I really gave it my best shot, but I can’t handle it anymore, but my neices also know who I am and would probably miss me.”
“Would I be wrong if I go completely no contact with my brother and sister-in-law?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP and reassured her that the couple was completely in the wrong.
“They asked you for your babies’ stuff?!? Holy…”
“I’m so sorry, OP, for all of your pain. NTA for sure, but they definitely are.” – needcoffeeee
“They asked for her baby’s stuff and then proceeded to tell her she doesn’t have a baby. What butt nuggets. NTA, OP, and I’m so sorry for the hurt they’ve caused you.” – Ok-Celebration-2221
“God d**n, that’s not just pouring salt into the wound, that’s like cutting open a new wound and pouring salt in it so the person dies!”
“OP is NTA.”
“BIL and SIL are such colossal a**holes so big the two of them together could make an a**hole black hole with gravity so dense it would suck other smaller assholes into it.”
“Anyone who gives you issues should be given the link to this thread.” – Stormy8888
“NTA, I’m so sorry for your loss, and you do have a baby, and she will always be a part of you. Your love for her will keep her spirit with you. Your brother and sister-in-law are horrible.”
“Such terrible people to ask you for your baby’s things. I would not have given it to them! Condolences, Op. Do what you need to keep your peace.” – sacrebleu777
“They very well KNEW it was wrong to name the second baby girl RyLee. They were hesitant to tell OP the name of the little girl. They knew for weeks that it would hurt OP. But their low EQ made them assume that OP needed to get over it within a couple of days.” – stationaryspondoctor
Others agreed and pointed out exactly when they would have cut contact.
“After his statement about you not having a baby, cut them off. Now. Had he said that when they were born, you would have then. They are insensitive and cruel.”
“You DO have a baby; unfortunately, they passed away. You ARE a mother. They cannot take that from you.”
“A family name, as you said, is a much different name that happens to sort of kind or rhyme. F**k them. Block them and live in peace. You owe them nothing. You don’t own a name and you aren’t forced to be around people so hateful.” – United-Manner20
“The moment he said you don’t have a baby, you should have responded, ‘And now you don’t have a sister.’ You deserve so much better than that, and you are NTA if you cut them out of your life.” – Sea_Ad_27
“My MIL lost a baby, stillbirth, decades ago. Her niece still asked her permission to use the name for her daughter almost 20 years later. Block the brother and SIL. They are heartless, especially with the baby stuff.” – Tigerzombie
“The name is not the problem. The disrespect is. You HAVE a daughter named Riley who unfortunately, was stillborn. In French, we say ‘parange/mamange/papange’ like the parent/mom/dad of an angel to recognise that children who passed away have existed.”
“This situation is a pity for the twins, but their parents‘ attitude, dismissing your feelings, your family, and lying is what led to LC or NC. I’m sorry for you. NTA.” – Turbulent_Guest402
“That was so cruel. I would never want to see or speak to them ever again after that. You 100% are a mother, and they’re acting like you aren’t. I can not fathom how anyone would think it’s okay to choose the name of someone else’s baby who has passed away. Not asking if it’s okay makes it even worse.”
“How they don’t see anything wrong with this and don’t understand why you are hurt amazes me. Of course, the name of your stillborn baby upsets you. It’s a reminder of how you lost your baby. Anyone would be upset by this. Yes, you probably should’ve said something about it right away, but you were hurt.”
“So yes, it’s been years, but with how they’re treating you now that they know why it is unforgivable, you’re definitely NTA and absolutely should go no contact. Yes, it’s sad that you won’t get to see your nieces and nephews, but that’s THEIR fault, not yours.”
“They decided to be cruel to you, so you can decide you want to go no contact. That doesn’t include their kids, but since they’re kids, they’re a part of that no contact. Anyway, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can not imagine how hard all this was on top of losing your baby. Yes, it was years ago, but that pain doesn’t go away.” – Sad-Indepedent3540
It’s alarming to imagine a couple being so thoughtless and mindless that they would choose the same name, albeit with a different spelling, as the girl who would be their niece and the daughter of their still-grieving sister.
It’d be one thing if they chose a name that sounded cute alongside Riley, like “Riley and Reagan” or “Riley and Rosey,” as a mild nod to their late niece, but to take the name, take the OP’s nursery items with the “wrong spelling,” and even suggest she wasn’t a mother was downright diabolical.