Proposing to a significant other can be a daunting thought.
Everyone wants it to be memorable and perfect.
But is there such a thing as perfect?
Maybe people would rather not wait for the imperfect proposal instead of watching time dwindle.
Redditor Aggressive_One8138 found themselves in a personal dilemma regarding the status of their relationship, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"AITAH for telling my girlfriend I no longer plan to propose to her? Please read the context..."
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 28 and my G[irl]F[riend] is 27, we've been together for almost 3 years, and we live together."
"We've got a pretty solid relationship going on."
"No cheating or drama, we've both got good jobs, we talk about the future, and our families get along great."
"As far as I was concerned, we were doing all right."
"The only small issue has been the whole engagement/proposal thing."
"I'm not against marriage, to be honest, I've been looking forward to it and had a ring picked out, but I wanted it to be a surprise, so I didn't give her a specific date."
"I told her it was coming, though, and I thought we were on the same page."
"But over the past six months, she's started to get more and more fixated on it - at first it was just normal conversation, then it turned into a bunch of little 'jokes' and comments about when I'd finally put a ring on it."
"Lately, though, it's been on her mind 24/7."
"Anything we disagree on gets turned into some variation on 'this is why you haven't proposed yet.'"
"Last week, when I saw a message preview on her iPad., I clicked on it (I know I shouldn't have) and saw a group chat with her friends."
"They're all discussing how to manipulate me into proposing... things like giving me the cold shoulder, not putting in any effort as a partner, making me feel like I've done something wrong, no physical intimacy, and so on."
"They were even talking about using her birthday as a deadline and making it clear to me that there were other options on the table if I didn't come through."
"I'm not upset that she wants me to marry her."
"Before this, I really did want to marry her."
"But now I am questioning whether or not I should really spend the rest of my life with someone who might manipulate me."
"Anyways, I asked her straight out if she'd been trying to get me to propose by using all these weird tricks."
"And when she said yeah, she'd been trying to get some clarity and not waste any more time."
"Basically saying that I should just propose already because if I were serious, I'd have already done it."
"I told her I'm not proposing, especially if I'm being coerced into doing it."
"Basically, I told her if she keeps trying to manipulate me like that, I'm basically off the proposal train."
"Now she's going around saying I'm punishing her for having some standard relationship needs and that I'm just dangling marriage as a way to control her because I'm not proposing fast enough."
"And her friends all think I'm the bad guy because I looked at her private messages."
"Fair enough."
"I get it."
"She wants to know when we're going to be engaged."
"I get that three years is a reasonable amount of time to start feeling some anxiety about when things are going to get serious."
"But you can't force someone to marry you."
"And most importantly, it's just made me realize that our relationship has been treated like some kind of game by her."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for telling her I'm not considering proposing for now after this?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP WAS the A**hole here.
"If you told her a proposal was coming soon, she was probably getting antsy."
"Have you even actually bought a ring yet?"
"You just said you picked one in the post, but not that you bought it."
"If its been 6 months its not surprising she is getting like that."
"If you dont want to actually propose and be with her, you should just break up." ~ realityseekr
"Yes, I recognized it too."
"I've been with an ex for 6 years when I learned he was never going to propose, despite the fact that in the first 3 years he kept saying how he can't wait to marry me."
"When in fact, he could wait. Forever."
"This is what OP is doing."
"The GF is wrong for trying to manipulate him, but he sure outshone her. YTA." ~ 90s_*itch
"I believe this is called future faking, and you kind of just got called out for it." ~ Shdjdicnfmlxkf
"So you told her you were ready to propose and then kicked the can down the road for 6 months... only to be like 'nnnooooo you're looking forward to it too much; now I don't wanna'…"
"You never intended to propose, you just wanted the happy feelings of pretending you were going to. YTA." ~ highoncatnipbrownies
"I agree."
"He basically lied to her and said they were going to get engaged."
"He needs to leave and let her go find someone who cares about her needs."
"He clearly doesn't."
"He's treating this relationship as a game." ~ TracyVegas
"So, before finding the messages on her iPad, why were you dragging your feet about proposing?"
"If I'm reading this correctly, you basically said you would propose, and now 6 months later, you still haven't."
"I'd be frustrated too, if I were your girlfriend." ~ Dog-Mom2012
"I think people are missing that part."
"He was dragging his feet because he really didn't want to."
"He was waiting for a reason and found one. YTA." ~ PlantMan82
"He thought he got to unilaterally decide his partner is an indefinite girlfriend."
"I'm not sure that he realizes she can leave any time."
"OP, you've been with her for 3 years, and you live together."
"If you don't know by now, the answer is no."
"Let her loose so can pursue something you already know is important to her with somebody else- marriage. YTA." ~ Catfactss
"Bingo! At 3 years, he knows if he wants to marry her, and if he did, he would have proposed already."
"He made a game of it by stringing her along and gets 'offended' that she is trying to push a timeline."
"She is also wrong for playing games to try to force it, though."
"If you have to manipulate your way into an engagement, then he doesn't want to marry you, and you're just fast-tracking your way to more misery and divorce." ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
"It's called either sh*t or get off the pot."
"If you love her, are faithful to her, can see a life with her."
"Then get on with it."
"You should know by this point."
"If you feel this relationship isn't right for you."
"Break up, move on, and let her go."
"You have known all along the end goal was marriage."
"You 2 had been talking about it."
"Otherwise, you are dragging her around by the nose and wasting her time. YTA." ~ Technical-Habit-5114
"Let me get this straight, you guys have been together for years, solid relationship, yall are both in good spots in your life, you're sitting on a ring and already made her wait six months?"
"Bruh, it's not an egg, either sh*t or get off the pot."
"If someone was doing what you're doing to me, I'd go crazy too."
"At this point, just let her go; it's obvious you don't want to propose, otherwise you would have already."
"Especially now that you've made her insecure about your relationship."
"By the way. YTA." ~ UnicornMegahorn
"I like that he thinks now he has a 'reason' to not propose, he can just never propose, and she will be fine being an indefinite girlfriend."
"It has reached critical 'get married or break up' levels - and frankly, I don't know how she can marry him at this point without feeling like she got a shut-up ring." ~ Music_withRocks_In
"Oh, but he doesn't want to let her go."
"He just wants her to shut up about getting married."
"He would like to keep her as a permanent girlfriend and never have to commit further to her."
"After all, he isn't even talking about breaking up with her, just withdrawing his vague promise of marriage." ~ agitated_houseplant
"YTA, you don't tell someone a proposal is on the horizon and then not do it or have further discussions about why you're not doing it."
"I can't imagine how insecure that probably made her feel." ~ littledogs11
"My wife knew when I bought the ring."
"My brother came to town, and we went out together."
"She was asking questions about why she couldn't come, and I just told her we were going to look at rings."
"I got busy at work with travel, and my proposal plans kept getting ruined by rain, and she got more and more frustrated with me."
"She just told me that she didn't care what or how the proposal was going to happen, and just to do it because of the anxiety, wondering if I was getting cold feet and didn't want to marry her was awful."
"I just listened to her and had empathy for that feeling."
"I also didn't give a sh*t about the proposal as long as she thought it felt special."
"I would marry that woman any place, any time, as soon as possible."
"Proposed like 2 days later when I got home early from a work trip and could surprise her."
"Anyway, you're being immature and stubborn for no reason."
"Maybe there is some underlying issue because I think her anxiety is fairly normal here."
"Turning it into a character problem she has is a wild response by you." ~ DietAny5009
"It's been at least 6 months since you told her a ring and proposal were coming, and you're mad because she is trying to get you to actually sh*t or get off the pot? YTA." ~ MoodOk4607
Reddit is not thrilled with you, OP.
Granted, your GF's machinations are not the best course of action either.
Sounds like she's a little lost because you're sort of dragging your feet.
Time to make some big life decisions.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp