There are moments we hope to share with our family, friends, and loved ones. Either as the center of the celebration or in support of the people we care about.
When we’re excluded from such events, the sting of disappointment and rejection can have a lasting effect. We might question if we’re as close to the person as we thought.
We might even boycott future events because of the initial exclusion, driving a larger wedge into the relationship.
A man turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
This post was flagged “advice needed” by the poster.
JuggernautSlow4213 asked:
“AITA for skipping my brother’s wedding because I wasn’t invited to the engagement party?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (28, male) have a fraternal twin brother. Growing up, we were inseparable and until recently I thought we were still very close.”
“I was always more of a shy nerd and he was an extrovert that played sports throughout our childhood and high school, but we spent almost all of our time together, by choice.”
“We went our separate ways when college came. He stayed local in Arizona and I went to college in Portland, Oregon. My sister went to college in Florida, but moved back to Arizona after graduating.”
“When I graduated, I stayed there because I fell in love with the city, my friends are here, my professional networks from internships were here, etc… But I always flew back home for holidays, events, birthdays, etc…”
“My brother announced on instagram that he and his girlfriend of 3 years got engaged. I was incredibly happy for him and texted him congrats. He mentioned they were planning to have an engagement party in 6-8 weeks and I told him to let me know so I can book a flight to come celebrate.”
“I was never told a date. If I brought it up with him or anyone in my family, they’d change the subject or say it’s still being planned and confirmed.”
“After a few weeks I texted my brother to ask about the date because it must be getting close and I don’t want to pay for a last minute flight. No response.”
“I asked my mom for details and she said, ‘It’s not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There’s no need to come down for it’.”
“I eventually found out that it was, in fact, a big party. They rented out an entire restaurant for 4 hours and there were about 80 guests: family, friends, cousins, everyone.”
“Everyone was told I couldn’t make it.”
“My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, texted me that she was very disappointed I couldn’t make time to join and I replied that I would have happily come, but I was not invited. Word spread quickly about my snub and my parents and brother tried to say it was just a misunderstanding.”
“That was almost over a year ago. Since then I’ve tried to get to the bottom of why I wasn’t invited.”
“Over the course of months it went from, ‘It was just meant to be a small gathering,’ to ‘I don’t know what happened, there must have been a miscommunication,’ to ‘It’s just a party. It’s no big deal’.”
“I asked my brother if he was mad at me, I thought maybe his fiancée didn’t like me. Even if she or he didn’t want me there, why were my parents OK with this? This really wasn’t like them.”
“Christmas and Easter were awkward as Hell because no one but me wanted to address the elephant in the room and any conversation about anything was like small talk with strangers.”
“When I visited in May for my sister’s birthday, I left early after my sister said, ‘You moved so far away. It’s like you’re not really family anymore. You make everything feel so weird now’.”
“Nine months ago I got the ‘Save the Date’ announcement for the wedding and 6 months ago I got the invitation to the wedding.”
“I wasn’t asked to be in the wedding party, which is fine and wasn’t surprising at this point. My sister and younger brother were asked to be in the wedding party, so another snub.”
“I also didn’t get a +1 for my girlfriend that I’ve been seeing for almost a year and a half. My sister, however, got a +1 for her friend with benefits.”
“So I decided I wasn’t welcome and I was probably only invited for optics and to play happy family. I didn’t RSVP ‘no’ since I knew that would cause a sh*tshow, I just didn’t go.”
“The wedding was this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, so I guess even if I did go, I wasn’t invited to that either or expected to be there.”
“I started getting calls and texts about an hour before the ceremony asking where I was, if my flight was delayed, how far along I will be, etc…, and I ignored them. They stopped for a while during the ceremony, but started up again right after.”
“I finally picked up my mom’s call and she screamed, ‘Where the hell are you?’ I replied, ‘In Portland, where you all prefer me to be’.”
“She said, ‘This is your brother’s wedding, how could you embarrass us?’ I answered, ‘It’s just a party. It’s no big deal, right?’.”
“It was probably the first time in my life my mother was speechless. After a few seconds of silence, I said, ‘Tell everyone I said hi,’ and I hung up.”
“Now I’m getting calls and texts from everyone saying I was being petty and ruined the day.”
“So am I the a**hole here?”
“I feel like I’m just matching their energy and dropping the rope.”
The OP later added:
“After I first moved for school, it was frequent calls, texts, messages, etc… from both sides.”
“But after all this happened, I took some time to really evaluate what was going on and I realized that in the past few years, almost all contact was initiated by me. Unless they need money.”
“It’s been 10 years since I moved to Portland.”
“My brother has visited about 5 times, my sister lived with me one summer for an internship here. My cousin, who is totally on my side, lived with me and two of my friends (in a 4-bedroom, of course) for two years after she transferred to the college I went to and finished her degree here.”
“My parents visited twice during my college years, so over six years ago, and my little brother has no interest.”
“Their excuse is that my dad hates flying and I visit them often enough, anyway.”
“We’re a fairly liberal family, with the exception of my Republican dad. And even then, 2016 and 2024 were the only years my father refused to vote.”
“So there’s no political shift creating any problems, that I know of.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was indeed just dropping the rope he’d been the only one still holding onto.
“Oh man, I’m sorry OP. That’s awful. They could be visiting at least every other year, especially if the flight is only 2.5 hours. Your Dad can’t be on a plane for 2.5 hours once a year? Really?”
“That’s just such a lame excuse to me. You’re flying down several times a year to visit and they can’t be bothered to visit every other year? Why should the burden and cost of travel fall solely to you? How is that fair?”
“Ugh. I’m so mad for you. I was assuming political beliefs were maybe playing a part of this weird equation you got going on, but if that’s not the case then what the f*ck? Is it really just because you moved away?”
“Have you talked to your Dad about it individually? Sometimes Dads know more than they say.” ~ YellowstoneBitch
“Driving from Portland to Arizona and back isn’t that hard, my 80 year old parents do it every year. They could drive.” ~ Think_Panic_1449
“You’d be surprised, I live a 3h flight away from my dad (leaning towards sperm donor though) and he barely even made the effort to visit me once a year from when I was around age 14 onwards.”
“I flew over once recently now that I have adult money and found out that the international flight was only $70, so I guess I’m not even worth that much to him.” ~ ExhaustedPigeonn
“I feel ya OP, I live a 2.5 hour flight from my family. I’ve been here 10 years now, my dad has only visited once (for my grad school graduation) and my sister and brother have visited twice (for my graduation and then my wedding).”
“And, then they get mad at me when I go back home, but don’t stay with them (I opt for a hotel)… but I don’t stay with them because I have to literally find and wash my own bedsheets when I visit ‘home’.” ~ dragon_jgc
“I’d ask ‘if I have the power to ruin the day – why didn’t you call when I missed the rehearsal dinner? If I was so important, why didn’t anyone call me in the weeks beforehand to find out why I hadn’t RSVPd? To find out my flight plans? Mom, you didn’t notice that I wasn’t in the guest bedroom the night before?’.”
“‘I suspect that it “ruined the day” because OTHERS remembered my existence and wanted to see me more than you all did. It has been clear from the get go that I was not welcome and that my being there would ruin things. I wasn’t invited to any of the prewedding festivities and sister said it was weird when I WAS there. My girlfriend of over a year wasn’t welcome at all – so I stayed home with her. She LIKES having me around’.” ~ GroovyYaYa
“Don’t forget to add: ‘I wasn’t even given a seat at the family (wedding party) table, so where was I meant to sit if I showed up? You all have made it clear you don’t see me as family so you can’t be mad when I act the part’.” ~ Status-Pattern7539
“Yep! I’ve lived this life. What it actually boils down to is jealousy that you’d actually move away to follow your dreams, while everyone else was afraid to, so they just exclude you like you aren’t family anymore for having the stones to do what they couldn’t.”
“I’d go low contact/no contact (LC/NC) with the whole lot. That’s exactly what I did, and when I finally did I was a lot happier for it. You can’t let crabs in a bucket live in your mind rent free!” ~ Creepy-Macaroon9998
“Why did no-one ask about OPs flight details or picking him up from the airport? Because they don’t care in the slightest. They only noticed his absence when guests started asking where he was, then they were embarrassed, not concerned.” ~ Beth21286
“This gets to the heart of the matter. Even after the supposed misunderstanding, no one checked in on any stage of travel planning. OPs family started this beef… it is their responsibility to work to mend the rift. NTA.” ~ AbbreviationsFree590
OP can stop trying to engage with people who don’t care enough to reach out to him. As many noted, he’ll be happier once he stops holding on to people who dropped him years ago.