Sometimes people are saddled with co-workers who have to be in everyone's business.
In fact, some treat it like their job...
Which isn't always well-received.
Redditor Massive-Historian-91 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her nosy co-worker and a personal health situation, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for telling my coworker I was miscarrying after she tried to get me in trouble for 'excessive' bathroom use?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I F[emale] 26 have a coworker, Mary, whose main goal at work is to get the rest of us in trouble."
"Today I was apparently the target."
"When I got back from lunch, my boss asked me to talk and explained how a coworker had complained that I had excessive bathroom use and that she and the other coworkers had to pick up my slack (excessive was 10 minutes in the four hours before lunch, and I took 40 minutes for lunch instead of the 30 we are supposed to)."
"I was 8 weeks pregnant when I started miscarrying on Tuesday and called in sick to work."
"I was off yesterday since I am working Saturday, but decided to come into work today, to try and use work to distract myself instead of sitting at home wallowing."
"I ended up explaining the situation to my boss to end the conversation."
"She apologized to me and offered me a couple of days off, but I want to be at work to distract myself."
"After the meeting, Mary was looking extremely smug, clearly thinking she had gotten me in trouble, and I was so angry."
"So I told her, sorry if she was so distracted by me being away from my desk for 20 minutes, but since I was miscarrying, I figured it was fine."
"Mary looked shocked but didn't speak or even look at me for the rest of the day."
"After work, a coworker I am friendly with said that while I am technically right and Mary was completely out of line, I shouldn't have said anything, knowing it would create an uncomfortable work environment."
"I don't feel like I did anything wrong, and if Mary wants to micro-manage everything, she should expect uncomfortable situations to arise."
"But I also get that Mary isn't the only coworker this gets uncomfortable for, and I don't want to make things hard for my coworkers I actually get along with."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for telling Mary I was miscarrying when she tried to get me in trouble, and making things uncomfortable at work?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"So your coworker (not Mary) thinks you're right, but YOU should have done more to make things' comfortable?"
"Screw that."
"You miscarried. Mary deserves to be uncomfortable."
"She's a busybody who needs to mind her own business."
"If she's uncomfortable with learning the reason you 'abused' the bathroom policy, then she shouldn't have run to the boss." ~ Mrsanjuro75
"If I were a manager and I had an employee like Mary who had a clear history of reporting their coworkers over things, unless those things were criminal acts or major violations of company policy or the law (such as safety violations), then I'd be firing Mary."
"If nothing else, given what OP told the manager about why she'd been in the bathroom so much, I'd be terminating Mary for that, because she's harassing and trying to police someone going through medical issues, and I'd actually argue it's not just a medical issue, but a medical emergency." ~ zeiaxar
"Agreed. She's only creating an environment that is unstable and unhealthy for others. And she also relishes that which is disturbing."
"You don't want someone like that around with a toxic presence."
"It could affect how other people work and thrive as human beings, which will hit the whole company in the long run." ~ IceSeeker
"Mary is spouting utter nonsense."
"What kind of office has deadlines so tight that 20 min (10 before lunch, 10 during lunch) make a difference?"
"In a call center, I could possibly understand it, or maybe in a restaurant where one missing server means someone else has to deal with twice as many tables... but unless some product launch is imminent, don't most offices have some flexibility?"
"Like, OP didn't even get the chance to offer to work a little later, or make up the time in a few weeks when they're feeling better...?"
"OP's manager is completely useless."
"Mary comes in to snitch about OP peeing too much (in Mary's opinion) and waah-waah we need to pick up the slack."
"And the manager went along with that, just like that."
"But as soon as OP mentions their miscarriage, suddenly the office has no problem with OP staying home several days?!"
"And OP's friendly co-worker... I can't believe that that twat is telling a coworker who's actively bleeding through a miscarriage that they should have prioritized Mary's comfort."
"OP, I'm sorry to read about your loss."
"My condolences."
"I'm also sorry you had to deal with 3 people at work who behaved so abysmally to you." ~ Stormtomcat
"Cannot agree with this hard enough… BOOHOO FOR MARY if she feels 'uncomfortable' now!!!"
"If she doesn't want to feel that way, quit running to the boss and tattling on people FOR USING THE BATHROOM."
"I HOPE Mary feels uncomfortable and learns to mind her own business."
"I am so sorry you are dealing with a miscarriage and ignorant coworkers on top of it." ~ AdventurousOnion1234
"NTA. Mary should mind her business."
"You didn't need to tell her you were miscarrying, but hopefully it'll keep her quiet for a time."
"Sorry for your loss." ~ RandomReddit9791
"Perhaps the OP sharing will encourage Mary to be more considerate of others and what they might be going through."
"She doesn't know what others are experiencing in their lives, yet she feels the need to create a hostile work environment."
"OP didn't make things uncomfortable; Mary did and always does."
"She deserves to feel some of the same she makes others feel."
"NTA, and so sorry for your loss. ❤️." ~ trvllvr
"NTA, and I'd be filing a complaint with the management against Mary for constantly creating a hostile environment, constantly trying to get coworkers in trouble, and micromanaging them when she's not even a supervisor."
"The words hostile environment in most countries will get them to take it seriously, especially if you say it's a widespread issue of her harassing people through reporting them for various things, because that opens the company up to a potential lawsuit." ~ zeiaxar
"This! OP hasn't created the hostile environment; she called out hostile behaviors."
"Hostile behaviours that forced her into disclosing a very personal and traumatic experience."
"Even if OP wasn't miscarrying, maybe she has another medical issue, which means she needs to use the bathroom more often."
"It's not something I would ever comment on unless it was out of concern towards someone I had a good enough relationship with to talk to openly." ~ ImpressiveDiscount61
"NTA. Mary tried to get you fired; you got revenge by making her uncomfortable."
"Here we would say 'You made her want to crawl up her own arse and die.'"
"If you need the bathroom, you need the bathroom."
"Nobody designated her bathroom police."
"It doesn't matter why you spent time in there; you might have been having bowel discomfort and trying to pass an uncomfortably large log that wasn't playing ball."
"As long as your work is done and nobody is having to pick up the slack, it's not her business."
"The fact that you had to reveal an intimate and personal tragedy to your boss means the gloves are off. If you have to reveal medical information to counter gossip and malicious reporting, then that makes anything you say to her acceptable." ~ Adelucas
"Mary got what she was asking for."
"Don't discuss it further with anyone, just thank them for their concern."
"It should blow over for the others if it is left quietly alone. NTA." ~ Wide-Speaker-7384
"NTA, maybe you should bring up the hostile work environment that she was creating while you were suffering a medical condition." ~ ButterscotchLittle65
OP returned to update us.
"I haven't been able to answer a lot of the comments as it got pretty overwhelming with everything else, but I saw some things asked repetitively and wanted to give some clarity."
"First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for the well-wishes and condolences."
"I also saw a lot of people think my boss asked me to talk to get me in trouble, but that is not true."
"She knew I had called in sick a couple of days before and wanted to check in if I was feeling okay to be at work, or if I needed more time and wanted to go home instead."
"A lot of people also asked if I told my other coworkers, and no, I only told my boss and Mary, but we do have an open layout office, so others could definitely have overheard my conversation with Mary."
"For the people who wondered what I do for work, I work for an advertising agency."
"I do mostly photo and video, and the day this happened, I was doing prep for a shoot I have this week."
"I'm not currently collaborating with Mary on any projects, so I don't know what Slack she could be picking up."
Reddit is with you, OP.
So sorry for your loss.
You deserve a better co-worker for sure.
You had every right to call her out.
Hopefully, she learned a lesson.
u/Lazy_Perfectionist88/Reddit
