Mornings can be grueling.
Though it is a blessing to wake up and be alive, waking up itself can be cumbersome and difficult.
Being comfy in bed and sleeping is a dream come true for many.
But life has to go on day by day.
And the struggle of hearing that alarm is an issue for many.
Redditor Consistent_Act4575 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his stepmother's bad behavior, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for choosing to stop waking my stepmother up every morning?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am 17 (M[ale]) and for maybe the past 3 years I have regularly gotten up at 6 am because that is the most active time in the morning."
"My brothers have to wake up at that time to get ready for school, and since they are up and making noise, it just worked better."
"Since the beginning of my junior year, though, I have realized that I simply don't have to wake up so early and have wanted to change my alarm to a better time that works for me."
"Here is where the conflict with my stepmother comes in."
"She sleeps through her alarm almost constantly."
"Despite being the adult in the house who takes the kids to school, she frequently sleeps through her alarm in the morning."
"Now I was originally being nice."
"I would wake her up on time just to make sure she is up."
"That was in October."
"It kept happening."
"At least two or three times a week,"
"I would have to go wake up my stepmother in the morning to make sure she can do what she is responsible for doing."
"Now, I finally got sick and tired of it."
"I said pretty straightforwardly that it isn't my responsibility to be waking up my stepmother in the morning (as I am a teenager and she is a 36 year old women)."
"I was called disrespectful, and a few of my devices were taken away because of it."
"I eventually gave up and just changed my morning alarm, so now I wake up after they are supposed to be up, currently 6:30, but I am eventually going to change it to 7:00."
"This morning, though, she once again slept through her alarm, and since I was not up to wake her, she ended up being 30 minutes late to take the kids to school."
"She instantly pinned the blame on me after I said that, 'I changed my alarm to wake up later,' and said to me, 'Oh, so you just don't give a s**t anymore.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So am I the a**hole for believing that my stepmother should be a responsible adult, waking up on time, and dealing with her consequences if she doesn't wake up on time?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA, she's a grown woman."
"Put her words back to her, she doesn't wake up, ask her if she doesn't give a s**t anymore?" ~ Sternsnet
"This. Keep what you really think in your head and take a diplomatic approach, because you have to live with this person, and she has control until you are 18 and/or can move out."
"Waking up and getting her kids to school on time absolutely is her responsibility - but you have no power to make her do this, and pointing out her failures will only result in retribution, so keep those thoughts inside, plan your exit, and be as politically careful in how you address her behaviour as possible."
"Think of it as training for one day when you are working for a bad Manager and have to cover your backside against their poor Management and attempts to blame you for mistakes that they make (which will involve making a different kind of exit strategy)."
"Good luck."
"And to add NTA for not wanting the responsibility of waking up early to wake your step-mother when you wouldn't otherwise need or choose to be up at that time." ~ Cautious-Job8683
"You're nearly an adult, but even if you were already an adult, it's still not your job to parent your stepmom or your siblings."
"She's angry at you because she doesn't want to have to make any changes, and she wants you to keep doing s**t for her. NTA." ~ RanaMisteria
"NTA. You are a child as well."
"Do you have another parent in the house?"
"How old are the kids?"
"Why are they not setting alarms?"
"I would never expect my kids to wake me as the parent." ~ hbh915
"Holy crap."
"I'm sorry your family is completely dysfunctional."
"When you are 18, move to another bank with all of your money and make sure your parents cannot touch these accounts, then make a plan to move out of your home."
"There's no saving them."
"If the person doesn't want to improve/change, nothing will work."
"The only thing you can do is remove yourself from them (move out of home) and fly with your own wings."
"It will be rough, but it's feasible."
"Of course, if you can keep saving your money and continue your studies while being a parent to 4 kids, you can stay, but that would also be rough for you mentally."
"Good luck, OP."
"Take care of yourself first."
"You are NOT responsible for your parents or your siblings."
"They might hate you if you leave, or they might realize why you left later on, but do what you must for your sanity, future, and health." ~ goddessofthewinds
"NTA. My husband has health issues that sometimes leave him exhausted, and there are times (maybe two to three a month) I need to wake him up to get to the doctor or another commitment on time."
"I do it because I love him and I know the exhaustion isn't his fault its due to his medications and health issues, it's still really annoying, and in the moment it's frustrating."
"I can't imagine needing to do that for someone thats supposed to be an authority figure in your life and has no excuse other than 'I can't hear my alarm.'"
"I'm sorry you need to do this." ~ goddessofgoo
"NTA. Obviously."
"Is there anyone trusted around you that you can speak to about this?"
"Her behavior is wildly unfair and manipulative, and if she won't listen to reason, an adult needs to take her to task about it."
"Where's your dad in this??"
"Or bio mum?" ~ Glad_String_5141
"NTA - She is a real piece of work for trying to pin the blame on you instead of her lack of responsibility." ~ GrammaIsAWhore
"NTA. She's a grown woman."
"She can figure out a way to wake herself up in the morning." ~ ParticularAd1735
"NTA. My mother was like this, and all through my childhood, I would panic because she overslept and was late for work."
"I got myself up and rode the bus to school on my own for years, and I was only ever late if I couldn't wake her up and I didn't want her to miss work."
"Being parentified to take care of your siblings is bad enough; the adults in your life should take care of themselves." ~ falling_grace
"NTA. I'm 33, and my whole life, I've never been able to consistently wake up with an alarm."
"When I was in high school, my mom woke me up."
"As I got older and needed to wake up in the morning, I've had to set multiple alarms."
"As of this year, my son started kindergarten, and I'd like to get up at 7 am."
"I have 5 alarms at 15-minute intervals starting at 645 and an Amazon echo that goes off at 7, we usually get up by 715."
"It's not practical, it's annoying, and I hate having to do that."
"I've tried going to bed earlier, like at 9 right after my son goes to sleep, I just end up waking up at 12 wide awake, unable to go back to sleep for 2 more hours."
"My point is it's not your responsibility, your step mom is an adult like me and needs to figure out how to wake up as I did." ~ MissReadsALot1992
"NTA. It isn't your responsibility to wake up an adult."
"Had this issue years ago where the mother of 4 kids wasn't waking up to take care of her kids, thus the kids would then be late for the bus and need a ride to school."
"We'd sit the mother down, tell her she had to step up, she would for like a week, and then she'd start slipping."
"Either she wasn't waking up the kids, or she did, but then went to sleep on their beds while the kids went about getting themselves 'ready.'"
"She advocated for 'it takes a village,' since the house was like a small commune, but then got pissy when we tried to correct bad behavior with her kids."
"It was exhausting, and I eventually moved out." ~ Ocearen
"NTA. Tell her she is the responsible adult, not you."
"As an adult, she should be able to figure out a solution to her problem of sleeping through her alarm that doesn't involve other people."
"After all, when you kids are all grown and moved out, she will have no one else to rely on."
"Just because, for a short time, when you were already up and chose to be kind and wake her up, doesn't mean that it's now your permanent responsibility to continue to do so."
"You need more sleep, and you are able to sleep longer and therefore adjusted your morning routine to reflect that.'
"If she needs more sleep, then perhaps she should adjust her sleep schedule as well." ~ Purple-Rose69
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your stepmother needs to get it together.
It is her responsibility to get herself up and moving.
Sorry that you're lacking support.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp