Online dating can be a great way to expand your dating pool and avoid the bar scene. But it has its pitfalls, like people whose profiles are dishonest.
A woman whose online match wasn’t who she thought he was turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Suspicious-astro387 asked:
“AITAH for leaving a date early after they showed up looking nothing like their photos?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27, female) matched with someone (26, male) on a dating app, and we talked for about two weeks before meeting up. Their profile had a lot of photos, clear face pics, full body shots, no filters that I could tell. We had good conversations, similar interests, and I was genuinely looking forward to the date…”
“When I arrived at the restaurant, I didn’t recognize them at first. They eventually waved me over, and it became clear that they looked very different from their photos. Not just ‘different angles’ different, but clearly much older photos and a pretty big difference in appearance overall.”
“I tried to be polite and stayed for about 20 minutes. We made small talk, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d been misled. I ended up telling them that I didn’t feel a connection and that I was going to head out. I paid for my drink and left.”
“They later messaged me saying it was rude and hurtful to leave early, and that attraction can grow if you give it a chance. A friend of mine said I should’ve just stayed for the full date since I was already there, and that leaving early was shallow and embarrassing for them.”
“I didn’t insult them or comment on their appearance, I just didn’t want to continue a date that started with what felt like dishonesty.”
“AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, that person catfished you. Their message is essentially admitting that their intention was to lead you on with a false idea of what they looked like, hoping that if you appreciated their personality enough, you would grow to be attracted to them physically as well.”
“They were dishonest, full stop. Starting a relationship with a lie is a recipe for disaster. What’s crazy is he got exactly what he wanted, she gave him 20 minutes and he didn’t succeed. To be petty enough to act like she has an issue after that is wild.” ~ Parking-Ad-922
“I dunno about anyone else, but when your personality is you’re a liar from the jump, that’s the opposite of appealing.” ~ I-am-Chubbasaurus
“Yeah, manipulating someone into a date is just gross. Intentionally lying with the hope that the other person will feel too guilty or awkward to leave early or confront it, barf.” ~ Ispan_SB
“Those who do it don’t want to date; they want to wail and cry and carry on with maximum drama about not having dates/a girlfriend.”
“I noticed that when I was an engineering undergrad. Guys who actually wanted a girlfriend would take reasonable steps towards that by getting out, meeting people, and working on their social skills. But they also tended to be relatively quiet about it.”
“The ones who carried on dramatically about not being able to find a girlfriend would also adamantly refuse to do anything reasonable that would improve their chances; they would *only* do things that would guarantee rejection so that they could wail and cry dramatically some more.”
“I always thought that was weird, because it was engineering school, so simply being too busy to date was completely normal. No one was making fun of anyone who was too busy for it. If you didn’t want to date, all you had to do was not date and get on with your life and studies.”
“Anyway, the catfishing is a pretty standard type of behavior for the guys who are vehemently trying to avoid relationships while throwing performative drama about wanting one, because obviously if the first thing you do on meeting someone is prove that you’re a lying liar who lies out their liehole, that’s going to keep you very safe from anyone actually wanting to keep dating you.”
“And then you can go flop dramatically all over the floor wailing at people about how you TRIED so HARD and it DIDN’T WORK.” ~ HelenGonne
“He counted on her being uncomfortable with calling him out on using photos that did not resemble him in the present. He misled her in the hopes that he could charm her into giving him a chance during that time.”
“Apparently, he’s not that charming.” ~ Most_Mountain818
“I had a friend who showed up for a date, and the person was using their brother’s photos in their online profile. NTA.” ~ redbeard914
“I had a friend go on a date, and the guy was as old as her father. He was using photos of himself from 20 years ago.” ~ Ok-Class-3635
“NTA. Agreeing to a date isn’t a legal document that requires you to stay the entire time. It doesn’t sound like you’ll ever see them again anyway, so honestly, who really cares if it was rude to leave early?”
“You said you didn’t feel a connection, which is fair. Why continue something just for the sake of continuing? Would you keep eating something you didn’t like just because? No.” ~ No-Long5784
“NTA. This already started with a big and obvious lie, so leaving is the best option.” ~ Freestila
“NTA. Hard to believe that he couldn’t dig up ANY recent pics. If you’d stayed for the whole date and then declined a second date, people would say you used him. If you leave early (before any money is spent), then you’re a b*tch.”
“You can’t win, might as well follow your heart. I do think it’s funny that he had the nerve to message you and say you were rude. Should have told him that you were trying to spare his feelings since he is obviously insecure enough to use old photos that flatter him.” ~ HavenHeks63
“Everyone has a camera they carry around with them most of the time—there’s zero excuse for not having recent pics.” ~ WaluigisTennisBalls
“I recently renewed my driver’s license. My old photo was surprisingly flattering, pretty damn cute actually. New photo, absolutely hideous.”
“Recent pics suck. But that’s still absolutely no excuse for flagrant dishonesty. We age, we put on weight, we have bad hair days (a lot). Dating app photos need to be warts and all.” ~ originalcinner
“NTA, bait and switch. You owe nothing. You gave him 20 minutes.” ~ mcindy28
“NTA. It was dishonest of them to misrepresent their appearance. That dishonesty likely carries into other aspects of their life.” ~ MrsBains
“NTA. People have been doing this for years, and it never made sense to me! You will want to eventually meet in person, so why lie about what you look like?”
“I have showed up to dates and the dudes clearly lied about their pictures…I just turn around and walk out. I don’t have time for that nonsense.” ~ Competitive_Fee_5829
“I had a friend who tried doing this years ago. Used pictures only from certain angles. No full-length shots. She even wanted to change the body shape on her profile to something much smaller. She never had a second date with any of them.”
“Perhaps she hoped that when they saw her, they would realize she wasn’t so bad? I’m actually not sure what she thought. I do remember telling her that it’s less hurtful to be rejected online than in person.”
“I’d rather have someone know any potential flaws early on rather than finding them out later and rejecting me then. As a teen, I used to meet guys at the wave pool when I looked like a drowned rat with no makeup on, not to mention in a bathing suit. They saw me at my worst, so it should only get better.”
“NTA, OP. You were actually rather gracious about being purposely misled and wasting your valuable time.” ~ SnooCauliflowers9874
“NTA. If you’re uninterested, it’s better to be direct—although saying you don’t feel it and leaving is probably enough without bringing up the pictures.”
“What concerns me is that on top of deceiving you to get you to show up, this man is now abusing social norms/politeness to try to gain access to your time and attention. Major red flag. Block him.” ~ alpenglow14
“You’re fine, wasting hours just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings isn’t smart. And what if he makes a move on you? Then do you have to tell him that his pictures seem fake or at least filtered? You saved both you and him more hurt feelings.” ~ jaydoes
“NTA. Absolutely not, men don’t suffer through dates when the woman misrepresents herself, why would you? Your friend likely operates similar morality because in no way would I stay for a date arranged from deception. You’re nicer than me, I would have told him from the jump that I was not comfortable with the misrepresentation and immediately left.” ~ WeaselPhontom
A relationship that begins with a lie isn’t likely to improve over time.
Best to cut your losses as soon as possible.