There’s a saying that relationships shouldn’t be transactional, but they need to be reciprocal.
People shouldn’t do things for others only because they expect an equal or greater return.
But there needs to be some reciprocity.
Otherwise, it’s not a relationship—it’s a parasite and its host.
A soon-to-be bride turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her sister would only help with her wedding if she got paid.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Late-Ad-6414 asked:
“AITAH for expecting my sister to plan my wedding for free and demoting her to guest when she wouldn’t? I also told anyone who took her side I was not helping them anymore either.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé and I have a small accounting office. We do pretty well on account of both of us being bilingual. English and Spanish for me and English and Ukrainian for him.”
“About 10% of my business is family and friends of the family. I have taken barter for work more often than you can imagine. All above board and documented.”
“My aunt paid in empanadas one year. My ‘uncle’ had his mom make us a huge batch of tamales. Even my dad has been helping my fiancé fix up his truck. I’ve had to pick him up more than once because my mom stuffs him with food and my dad gets him loaded on aguardiente.”
“Everyone we have ever traded with has provided fair exchange.”
“I have done my sister’s accounting since she started her wedding planning company. Obviously she has nothing to trade, so I have been doing it for free.”
“First to help her get started and now because we kind of just fell into that rut. But now I am getting married.
“I told everyone at dinner and my mom and dad’s house. I asked her if she would plan my wedding and be my maid of honor.”
“She said yes to maid of honor, but not to planning my wedding. I asked her why not and she said I would need to pay for her services.”
“That she can’t do free stuff for family, because she needs to make money at her job. She literally said it like I didn’t know what a job was.”
“So I talked to my fiancé and then to my parents. We told my sister that she would be getting an invitation, but that she was no longer in the wedding party.”
“I also gave her all her files for the year on a USB drive. I said she needed to take her business elsewhere.”
“My mom and dad told her that I was right and that they were disappointed that she wanted to make money off me after everything I did to help her.”
“She went to social media to complain, and a few people took her side. Which is fair. I don’t expect everyone to see my point.”
“But then a few—four people—started contacting me. I listened and then asked them if I should continue working for her for free. Most said no. A few said family helps family.”
“If I did their taxes, I told them I was not doing them this year or in the future. They tried to backpedal, but I held strong.”
“My sister says she won’t come. I told her to RSVP no.”
“She said she wasn’t thinking when she said no. Not my problem. She has two months to get a new accountant.”
The OP later added:
“Most accountants get paid. She has never paid me. I did her business and personal taxes for years.”
“If I got married every year, I would only expect her to help a little every year in return for my services. However, I’m only planning on getting married once.”
“As her accountant, I can assure you she can afford to do this for us. Her previously free taxes and accounting will run her at least $1,300 a year.”
“I have never planned a wedding. I have no idea how much work goes into it. But thus far, I have provided upwards of $6,000 worth of accounting services to her.”
“We’re paying for everything; we only wanted her to handle calling to set things up with our venue and with vendors, since that’s her area of expertise.”
“Our wedding venue is our church, and our reception is in the adjoining church hall.”
“I always knew I was going to get married. I knew what I would need from her in exchange for my years of free accounting services. Which she would have kept getting after my wedding.”
“The services I provide her would run about $1,300 a year, and I’ve already provided about $6,000 in services. Her services run between $2,000 to $15,000, depending on the level you want to pay for. We weren’t looking for a deluxe package, so she would have definitely gotten the better end of the trade of services.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP wasn’t wrong to sever the one-way favors she’s been providing (NTA).
“NTA. It’s one thing to want to get paid for your services. What she forgot to consider is that she was getting a really good freaking deal from you.”
“She shoulda taken the ‘exposure’ on this one; now she’s gonna spend money on her own accountant and lose a client she could have used to pad her portfolio.”
“She sounds too dumb to run a business, it’s gonna fail, and she will continue to blame everyone but herself.” ~ Temeriki
“Wait until she does look for a new accountant and finds out what it is going to cost her. Paying for personal taxes is nowhere near the same level as business accounting. Now she has to pay for both.” ~ Purple-Rose69
“NTA. I love her backpedaling because my guess is she found out how much an accountant would cost her and how much work it would be to do it herself.”
“She deserves it but yeah, you should’ve told her you’ll tally up your bill so far. For those others you cut off, they should’ve stayed out of it or pressured HER because she missed the ‘family helps family’ part. Not you.” ~ lankyturtle229
“NTA. It sounded like a fair exchange, and in fact, your sister would still have been getting the better deal since she would have planned one wedding, whereas you would have still done her accounting every year. She has been very shortsighted and selfish, and I’m glad your parents agree with you.” ~ rmcottage
“You absolutely did the right thing!”
“My husband is a CPA, and he’s done the tax returns for many of his family members since we’ve been together (32 years, married for almost 29). Many of them never pay him, which is fine because he never asked for payment. Family helps family.”
“My husband’s brother and SIL, at one point, were doing house painting as a side hustle to make a little extra money. We needed a bedroom painted.”
“I asked SIL if they would be able to paint it the next time they were in our area, and about how much it would cost. I was thinking she was going to tell me $100, plus the cost of the supplies, which I absolutely would have been fine with.”
“Nope. She tells me $500! I was annoyed. My husband said just to pay them to keep the peace because I did ask what they would charge me, then my BIL stepped in and said no, just pay for the paint. We’re not going to charge you because your husband does our taxes every year for free.”
“Your sister was out of line. She expects you to work for free, but when the tables are turned, she refuses to give back.” ~ MaisieStitcher
“NTA. The sister has no sense of gratitude. She didn’t even think of the years when OP helped her. She wanted to get paid but had no problem taking OP’s services for free.” ~ IceSeeker
“My cousin does my taxes for me. Not because she has to. But because I trust her, because she handled an IRS issue for me that I had been working on for years, and she got it handled in about 6 months.”
“I have never asked her for a discount. But she always gives me one.”
“She has never told me this is a quid pro quo, but I know if there’s anything she ever wants or needs that I can help with, I will do that for her because she has done this for me. Is it explicitly said that I will do favors for her if she ever asks me to? Nope.”
“Has she ever cashed anything in? No. Before she was doing her taxes, was I the person she reached out to when she needed help with something? Yes. Did I ever explicitly tell her that I expected recompense or tit for tat? Absolutely not. Because I never knew if she would ever be in the position to help me out.”
“Reciprocal giving is a thing that happens among those who love one another. It’s not dollar per dollar, cent for cent, it’s action for action. Everything evens out in the end. I do not keep a spreadsheet of how much I have helped my cousin or how much she has helped me.”
“But I know that she is the person I trust most in my family. More than my mother, more than any of my siblings. She is one of two people on that side of the family (including my siblings and my niblings) that I would get tested for to see if I am a match for any sort of transplant.”
“You do not sh*t where you eat. And the sister sh*t where she ate. Now she’s paying the rightful consequences. NTA.” ~ ElehcarTheFirst
OP’s sister has created a mess for herself by complaining publicly about her sister without including why OP thought she would help plan her wedding for free.
Now she’s not part of the wedding party, and she’ll have to find a new accountant during tax season.