Widower Tells Adult Kids He's 'Disappointed' That They Judge Him For Remarrying After Their Mom Died

Content Warning: Late Parents, Widower, Dating Again, and Second Marriage

No one wants to think about the fact that when two people fall in love, their love might last forever, but their relationship will not.

And when someone passes away, every partner will take the change differently, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor Mission_Emu_2570 waited several years before he attempted to start dating again, and at that point, his teenage children were supportive.

But when he found someone he wanted to marry, the Original Poster (OP) was devastated when his kids admitted that they'd never been okay with him moving on and felt he didn't want them in his life anymore.

He asked the sub:

"AITAH for telling my now-adult that I'm disappointed that they judge me for remarrying after we lost their mother?"

The OP thought that his children supported him moving on, but that wasn't the case.

"I was a widower in my early 40s after my wife, and the mother of my two oldest children, passed away. Our kids were 12 and 13 when she passed."

"It was four years before I dated again, and it took a few months to meet my now-wife."

"I spoke to my kids when it was happening, and they appeared supportive at the time. But as soon as I was actually married again, they pulled away from me, and I noticed they were closer to my dad, who has been a widower for more than 40 years now and never dated or remarried."

"My adult kids (both in their 20s) have made many excuses to not see us, and they met their younger brother once and never held him or interacted with him. They tell me they're too busy when I try to make plans with them, but they never fail to spend time with their grandpa."

The OP was devastated when he finally talked to his adult kids about their feelings.

"I finally asked them if we could meet and talk, just the three of us, and they were agreeable."

"We met for coffee, and I asked them why they had pulled away. I directly asked if they were really not okay that I had remarried."

"I told them I had believed them when they said it was okay with them to do so at the time."

"They asked me what they were supposed to say when I asked, and I said the truth, because it would have been easier to talk things through more."

"They told me that when I started dating again, it changed how they saw me. They thought I was loyal and actually loved their mom as much as my dad loved my mom."

"But I saw myself moving on while my dad never could or wanted to. They said my decision to date after losing their mother was like the end of our family, and they were closer to my dad because they admired his dedication to their grandmother, and they realized he was the example they wanted to follow, not me."

"They also said they felt I dishonored their mom by visiting her grave when I decided she wasn't special enough to be my one true love and loved someone else."

The conversation took an unfortunate turn.

"I asked if they had always felt this way, and they said yes. They told me they were so disappointed in me when they realized I was thinking of dating again."

"I told them I was equally disappointed in them for judging me for remarrying. I told them I would always love their mom, and to hear them question that and to accuse me of dishonoring her was hurtful."

"They told me I had started over and even had another kid, so I should just focus on that because they do not wish to be a part of the family anymore."

"And they told me I didn't get to be disappointed in them when I had the perfect example growing up and decided to replace their mom."

"They left, and that was the last that we spoke, though it wasn't too long ago."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with him finding love again.

"The kids should realize that dad is allowed to be happy. He lost his wife in his 40s. He shouldn't live his life alone and lonely just to please some aesthetic his kids have in their heads of what dad should be."

"And seriously, unless the kids plan to stay with dad and be his companions until he dies, they should shut the f**k up."

"OP, I wish you happiness and hope your kids get some maturity and compassion for you." - Even_Speech570

"Man, we lost my mum when my dad was 70. A couple of years later, he met another widow. It was weird as heck at first, but she's wonderful. And so respectful of my mum's memory. (They both visit their spouse's gravesites with each other, and she's coming along to all family stuff, even on mum's side.)"

"I do wish my mum were still here, but I also see how his new partner makes my dad happy. And that's all I want for him (and her, to be honest)." - SuspiciousAdvice217

"Mum died at 72 just after Dad's 70th birthday. They had been married 46 years. A few years later, he met the widow of a friend of a friend. They didn't live together or marry, but spent most days together, holidayed together, etc."

"I truly believe that having her gave Dad a real daily purpose and happiness. She was a lovely person, and we all got along very well, and my daughter called her Grandma."

"He went on to live until a couple of weeks before his 90th birthday when pneumonia took him. I am so grateful she made him happy the last 15 years." - helenfirebird

"My sister's husband died when their kids were 10 and five. About seven years later, my sister was engaged to her eventual second husband, and the 17-year-old was struggling with the idea."

"She said she felt like their family was 'just fine' the way it was, and she didn't see why my sister should want to remarry. I asked her if she was planning to devote her life to being my sister's companion, and she just stared at me."

"Because, of course, she wasn't planning on that; she was very independent and already had her college plans laid out. I think it really made her think about how all their lives were going to change as the kids grew older and left home, and she realized that it was unrealistic to expect her mother to live alone for the rest of her life just because her first husband had died." - HeavyNeedleworker707

"By contrast, my dear, sweet grandmother lost my grandfather when they were both 75. She never dated again because she assumed she didn't have long left."

"She died last Christmas at 99, and expressed that it was a major regret that she'd spent almost a quarter of a century alone. She was on a strong cocktail of antidepressants the entire time."

"Her last word was my grandfather's name, called out in her sleep. I hope they're together again, now. I wish she hadn't spent two decades feeling lonely." - aurora-leigh

Others agreed and pointed out that the OP's first wife would surely want him to be happy.

"A loving partner would NOT want their living partner to be alone forever if they passed before them. I've been with my husband since we were 15 and 16, so it'll 20 years now in December. If I die young, I hope he finds love again. I don't want him to be alone forever."

"I want him to be happy and have a life partner. His life doesn't end just because mine does. I want him to live while he's alive, and I know I'll forever be in his memories and his heart, regardless of where life takes him once I'm gone." - Rude-You7763

"I'm sure any loving spouse would want their partner to find love again, especially a partner who is staring down empty nesting, with both kids leaving for college in the next year or twon when he started dating. Like, these kids need to learn a bit of empathy and realize that just because grandpa felt like he could never move on doesn't mean that a person who does move on didn't love the person who died." - Aslanic

"I've straight up told my partner that if I die, I want them to try and find love again. Not because their love for me was invalid, but because life is too difficult to navigate alone. I know how lonely life can be, and I don't want that for anyone I love." - MsSpooncats

"Before my wife died, she told me she wanted me to date again and have a family of my own again. There are some really weird expectations that widows/widowers should stay alone forever, frozen in their grief. Cruel to require that. If someone chooses to be alone, that is different." - Subspaceisgoodspace

"I feel awful for OP. If I passed away young, I'd want my partner to find love again. I'd like to think it'd be a few years before he was ready to move on, but I'd still hope our children would support him!"

"It sounds like they just want OP to be alone forever, which is awful, as they'd move out and have their own families! It's a long time to lose the one you love in your early years and stay alone forever!" - lorn33

As much as the OP's two adult children were not happy about the idea of the OP continuing to live his life, the subReddit was fully supportive of him moving on, finding new love, and yes, growing his family a little bit more. Loving someone new would not take away the love he had for his wife, just like his heart would continue to grow to love the children he already had and might continue to have.

Though it might take some getting used to, hopefully, with time, the OP's adult children would recognize his happiness was not about dishonoring their late mother's memory, but honoring the life he still had left to live.