The only people with any say in planning a wedding should be the people getting married.
That being said, if they invite their nearest and dearest to spend the day with them, they should ensure that all invited guests are accommodated to a certain capacity.
This might include making sure the venue is accessible for those with mobility issues, providing convenient and affordable places to stay (ideally with a wedding discount), and, of course, ensuring those with dietary restrictions will have something to eat.
A friend of Redditor and bride-to-be Antique-Chemist690 informed her that she had a specific dietary requirement.
While the original poster (OP) didn’t think this would pose a problem, they learned a little too late that accommodating their friend wouldn’t be as easy as it seemed.
While the OP tried to figure out a way around this, her friend was so offended by her lack of. accommodation that she decided to skip the OP’s wedding altogether.
Wondering if she had been overtly thoughtless to her friend, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not having catered vegan food at my wedding?”
The OP explained how an omission on her wedding menu prompted a friend of hers to skip the wedding completely:
“I (27 F[emale]) got married recently.”
“I invited a friend (27 F) and her partner, and she was excited to come.”
“They live in another country (a 3.5h flight away) so coming isn’t easy or cheap for them.”
“We asked 7 months before the wedding about dietary needs, and she told us her and her partner would need vegan options.”
“Since my dinner included veggie options, I (wrongly) assumed the caterer could also do vegan ones, but when I asked 1.5 month before the wedding I learned they couldn’t (I should’ve asked earlier, unfortunately some things came up and delayed our prep).”
“I informed my friend, saying I was sorry, initially asking her if she had ideas about what we could do (maybe I was in the wrong there), and then offering to cook something myself or buy something from a supermarket, but the conversation turned quite cold, and the next day she said she decided not to come to the wedding, or to the bachelorette that was happening the following week (even though there was no catering issue there).”
“She said her decision was final and we could speak after the wedding, as she didn’t want to upset me before the day.”
“After a couple of days I asked if she could help me understand her decision, and she said she found it disrespectful that I didn’t have a suitable vegan option for her and her partner so close to the date, even though they told me with plenty of notice.”
“I felt extremely hurt and blindsided, especially since I feel she didn’t give me a chance to find a solution together.”
“I kinda understand not coming to the wedding (even though I’m vegetarian and attended plenty of weddings that didn’t have veggie options, but that’s her call) but not skipping the bachelorette, since we could easily have planned for vegan food.”
“Now I’m not sure I want to be her friend anymore.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
NTA – Not The A**hole
YTA – You’re The A**hole
ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for having no vegan entrée at her wedding:
Some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or her friend, feeling the OP could have ensured there were vegan options much earlier than she did, but also feeling the OP badly overreacted by skipping the wedding altogether, especially as the OP did put out a feeble branch.
“ESH.”
“You should have been more specific and checked with the caterer earlier.”
“Since they couldn’t accommodate your guests, you should have arranged for specific meals for your friend and her partner to be catered by a third party to make up for your mistake.”
“That’s on you.”
“She should have been a little more cooperative and less reactive.”
“But honestly, it sounds like the bonds of your friendship were weaker than each of you had thought.”
“There doesn’t seem to be much real affection or caring about the other in either direction, though there seem to be a lot of excessively hurt feelings at the others’ acts or omissions.”- Curious-One4595
Others felt the OP was clearly the a**hole, arguing that as the OP knew the amount of time and effort it was going to take her friend to make the wedding, then the least she could have done was ensure she had a vegan option at the wedding:
“If your friend has to travel from another country and is only attending the bachelorette, I can easily see why she scrapped the whole plan.”
“That is lots of money and planning for just a bachelorette and now it would be just her and not her husband.”
“I know you feel she should have been open to solutions, but you yourself say you dropped the ball by forgetting to ask about vegan options earlier.”
“This is a simple misunderstanding.”
“To cut out a friendship for this, would make YTA.”- VividComparison5606
“YTA.”
“You asked 7 months ahead of time and she responded.”
“Then you waited until the last minute to try to accommodate their diet and then asked her to help you come up with solutions.”
“She was a guest.”
“She doesn’t need to help you come up with solutions.”
“She was spending time and money to get to your wedding and your solution to fixing the problem you caused was ‘I will just pick something up at a grocery store’.”
“So this guest was expected to spend more time and money and watch your other guests enjoy their catered meals while she ate some fake chicken nuggets that someone air-fried?”
“Or perhaps a salad as the appetizer and main?”- sheramom4
While some felt that since the OP acknowledged her mistake, and then went to great lengths to amend it as best she could, then she was definitely not the a**hole, and her friend overreacted:
“I am insanely confused as to how the catering company could provide a vegetarian course but not offer literally anything at all that vegans could eat.”
“Anyway, NTA.”
“You made every effort to offer alternatives, but your ‘friend’ was more concerned about the day working for her rather than for the bridge and groom.”- BrewertonFats
“NTA.”
“They are grown adults, and seem to have made ‘vegan’ their personality.”
“Not worth it.”- stobbsm
“NTA.”
“You gave her options she didn’t accept them.”
“From the sounds of it even if you talked the caterers again nothing would have changed it, sounds like they’re weren’t willing to figure out vegan options.”- Electronic_Guide1403
“In saying that, this isn’t a clear cut and dry issue, there is a lot more going on here, but I do think you’re NTA here.”
“Of course there were things you could have done better to AVOID this, but you owned up to it, tried your best to find a possible solution, but your friend was like ‘nah fam’ and went cold.”
“I think if you didn’t make any effort to attempt to fix the issue, or offer any apology, then you’d be TA, but you did your best and what you could, and they went cold.”
“NTA from me.”- GloomySelf
“Unless you’re in the wedding industry, or have gone through planning a wedding, it’s easy to say ‘You should’ve done X/Y/Z’.”
“The reality is that planning a wedding is a long and tedious process with lots of moving parts.”
‘I can’t begin to count how many last minute changes or additions I’ve seen come across my desk the week of a wedding.”
“Things that were discussed months prior and either the couple dropped the ball or just completely forget.”
‘I’d also say ignorance is a big factor.”
“Most people just don’t know any better and assume that most things just aren’t a big deal.”
“‘You’re a caterer – this is what you do – what do you mean you can’t change my course selection 2 days before the wedding? You didn’t start cooking yet’.”
“‘You’re a band – what do you mean you can’t change the song selections 2 days before my wedding? It’s not my problem the new songs call for a additional horns – just get more players’.”
“You’re a florist – what do you mean I can’t change my color pallet 2 days before the wedding? I want jewel tones, not whites. Can’t you just go to the flower market and get new flowers?'”
“So I’ll say NTA on the grounds of ‘wedding brain’ and inexperience.”
‘Hopefully you can work things out with your friend.”
“Life is too short.”- ATVLover
It’s fair to say the OP was given more than enough notice that her friend needed a vegan meal, and should have told this to her caterer as soon as she knew this.
That being said, the OP did acknowledge that she could have handled it better and did try to make sure her friend could be accommodated to some capacity.
The OP’s friend might have to decide if one disappointing meal is worth putting her friendship with the OP at risk.
Based on everything the OP has said, their friendship is already on extremely shaky ground…