Having in-laws can either be a blessing or a curse.
Ideally, we want to embrace the expansion of a family with an outside support system of people who will unconditionally love us.
Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose our in-laws if they are difficult to deal with.
One woman had a particular issue with her mother-in-law, and when she tried to deal with it the best she could, it didn’t go well.
She turned to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Margarida39 asked:
“AITA to refuse to go to my MIL house unless she confirms 2 weeks in advance to avoid that she refuses us last minute as already happened?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (39 F[female]) am married to my husband (42 M[ale]) since 10 years and my MIL has always been a problem.”
“He is a only son, she lives 2h away from us and she always plays these power games where she is always complaining by phone that we do not visit her but then she never allows us to do it. In 2 weeks we will have some vacation days and my husband would like to go to visit her.”
“He asked her over the phone and she said she will think about it. She always does this and sometimes she just confirms in the day before or even some hours in advance, and we need to rush to pack the car and go there or sometimes she just refuses that we go last minute and then we have no possibility to book somewhere nice to go instead.”
The OP continued:
“She does the same if we invite her to come to our house. She will not confirm until last minute, so we are not able to book other things to do with friends, and sometimes I prepare the guest room and she simply decides not to come.”
“Since last year I told my husband I am done with preparing any guest room or making any arrangements to her in our house as I feel she does not respects us. Also happens the other way around that she does not call in advance and then she simply arrives here and if we are not home she demands we need to return.”
She shared the most recent example where things went south.
“Last time this happened I told my husband no way we would go home (we were 30min away in another town to go to movies and dinner in a nice restaurant), we didn’t go as she was really upset with him.”
“My FIL does not have any action on this, he just does what the wife says. She has no friends or other family around, so she is always alone with FIL at their house. When I go there she cooks for us and does all the chores because she does not allow me to move around the house, I am not able to enter the kitchen.”
“I just go to the dinning room, bedroom and bathroom, so she really has a heavy burden of work, because she does all the cooking and cleaning when we are there but is her choice.”
“This time I told my husband that either she confirms still this week that we are allowed to go to her house or I will simply book some days off in a nice hotel in advance and I do not care if she then says last minute that we can go.”
“My husband is upset and says I am TA because we should just understand she is old and complicated and go along with what she wants.”
“So reddit, AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“Completely NTA. She is playing some stupid power games with you, and you two need to set a hard boundary with her.”
“Hi MIL, I need you to confirm that you will be available for us to visit on x-date, if we do not hear back from you by y-date/time, we will make other plans and try again when we are available next.”
“You and your husband need to be a united front on this, or she will play more games pitting you two against each other. There will be a period of her throwing fits, but they should calm down if she wants to see her son/grandkids/you. DO NOT BUDGE on this, or she will keep making your life miserable.” – Discount_Mithral
“The only way to win is to not play. I agree with you, but Op’s husband is enabling her to keep playing. Let him schedule time with her and play maid when she shows up unexpectedly. Op should do her own thing, and actually enjoy her vacation time.” – okilz
“NTA. My MIL is very similar.”
“You deal with it by asking her to confirm by your deadline (don’t call it that; just say you need to know by the 5th, for example).”
“If you don’t hear from her that day, ask your husband to phone her that evening to get a firm confirmation. If she can’t give one, that means it’s a ‘no’. Make other plans and stick to them.”
“The same routine for her visiting you.”
“If you stick to this, eventually, she will learn.”
“Now, your husband may not go along with this, and you can’t control him.”
“If she confirms your visit and then cancels closer to the date without a reasonable excuse then I would skip the next visit. And if she’s supposed to visit you and cancels last minute then it would be a long time before I invited her again.”
“Your husband needs to tell her that neither of you is happy about her not committing to/changing plans at the last minute and that unless she can stick to plans, you’ll be making firm plans elsewhere.” – Longjumping-Lab-1916
“This the way OP!”
“Also if your husband does not want to go along with this, it’s time for some marriage counseling- he may need to hear from a third party/authority figure just how far out of step his mother is with normal behavior, and that your requests are reasonable, and that his job is to prioritize the needs of the family he created, not his family of origin.” – disappointmentcaftan
“NTA. You are setting perfectly acceptable boundaries. You husband needs to understand that his mother does not get to treat you or him however she pleases just because she is old and his mother. He needs to learn boundary setting with her as well.”
“If you are only 2 hours away though, why does going to visit require time off? Can’t you just use the time off you have to go on a proper vacation and leave the visiting his mother part to normal weekends? You shouldn’t have to waste vacation time even if she wasn’t playing these games.” – Elegant_Bluebird_460
“NTA this is a narcissistic power move and it is not okay. Don’t play this game with her.”
“You can give the boundary line of, ‘we have xx days off and would like to visit. Please let us know by xx day, otherwise we will be making other plans.’”
“Also, ‘you do not get to come to our house uninvited and ruin our plans. You can go sit in a coffee shop or in your car, but we’ll get home when we get home.’ ”
“My MIL has narcissistic tendency too, and she plays dumb games like this. But if you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.” –
Artistic_Dog_235
“NTA”
“From what you say it sounds like she has lost a feeling of importance in your husband’s life and is yearning to have that back which is coming out in these somewhat passive aggressive ways. It’s not respectful of you/your husband’s time/life though.” – ananonymouslight
“NTA. Her age is not an excuse ; you can’t plan your life around your mother in law simply because she demands it. If your husband wants to do it, fine, he can run when she calls.”
“You’ll stay home or go where you booked a hotel or wherever. You’re entitled to having a boundary as simple as confirming whether you’re even invited somewhere.” – ladyteruki
“NTA, but your husband is arguably as bad as his mother. Grow a damn spine.”
“For the record, this is not the kind of thing I would ever let slide or tolerate even once. If I drive two hours to stay with you, and then you turn me away at the door, I’m not ever doing that again, period. Whether I consent to simply get a hotel nearby instead next time is a different question, but with the rest of the behavior you’ve described, my answer would simply be ‘No, not interested’ “.
“That being said, and I don’t blame you for this because your MIL sounds like a nightmare, but 2 hours is like… nothing. If I lived 2 hours from my parents I’d be seeing them several times a month, at least. If you don’t own a vehicle I guess that would change things, but it sounds like both you and your husbands parents own a vehicle so the fact that you apparently don’t see each other enough clearly isn’t because of the distance.”
“And actually for that matter I wouldn’t bother with a hotel either; it’s 2 fricken hours. There and back in one day, especially if she’s a nightmare to deal with.” – deefop
Redditors thought the OP setting boundaries for her mother-in-law was warranted based on past incidences.
They also thought her husband was complicit with his mom by siding with her and not supporting the OP’s feeling of disrespect.
Hopefully, after a civil discussion over the issue, the mother will become more accommodating.