Not every family member wants to attend a loved one’s wedding.
Just because people are siblings doesn’t mean one is obligated to show up and give a toast.
This is especially true when one sibling makes the other feel “less than” in some way.
But parents and extended family often can’t handle that situation.
And then the family drama ensues.
Redditor MiserableWait2784 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not caring that I was uninvited to my older brother’s wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I, (27 M[ale]), am gay.”
“I came out at 16, and my parents told me they would always love me, but to not mention it to my older brother, who I’ll call Brick (then 19 M, 30 M now).”
“When I was confused and asked why, they said that Brick had expressed some awful opinions about gay people.”
“I limited talking to Brick until I moved out at 18, which wasn’t much of a problem because we were never close.”
“I went to Uni, got a good job, and an awesome boyfriend (28 M), in my home city.”
“My boyfriend Angel and I live a peaceful life.”
“Peaceful until a few days ago when I got a call from my brother.”
“I was concerned that Brick was calling me, as we have never messaged before; we just had each other’s numbers for emergency purposes.”
“I picked up because maybe there was some emergency happening.”
“He opened the call with an annoyed ‘Hey man’ and I knew something was up.”
“He said he was getting married to his fiancèe Yen (24 F[emale]) next year.”
“I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend!”
“I was like ‘That’s great Brick!’ and then I asked some boring wedding things that he begrudgingly answered.”
“He then told me invites were being sent out in a couple weeks and that I could bring a plus one.”
“Here’s where I made the mistake that started this mess.”
“Without thinking, like an idiot, I said, ‘Cool, I’ll bring my boyfriend.'”
“Major. Mess up.”
“Brick immediately started yelling insults down the line, screaming that he ‘Wouldn’t have an [f slur] at his wedding.'”
“I didn’t say anything and just hung up.”
“I was rattled by hearing those words from my own brother’s mouth, even though I knew his feelings about people like me.”
“I told Angel, and he comforted me, ordering in my favorite restaurant and watching movies with me, which was awesome.”
“We went to bed later, and I felt alright the next day.”
“I sent my parents a message that Brick invited me and uninvited me from his wedding pretty much in the same breath and went on my way to work, not a clue of the crapstorm waiting for me when I got off.”
“When I turned my phone on again after my shift, it was blowing UP.”
“Messages and calls from my parents and relatives galore asking me what the f happened?”
“I phoned my parents back when I got home and gave them the rundown of what happened, and said I honestly didn’t care because it’s not like Brick would be coming to my wedding anyways.”
“My parents immediately chastised me for my ‘obvious disinterest and disregard of my brother’s life’ and told me I should be apologizing to HIM for bringing my personal life into his wedding.”
“WHAT?”
“I basically told my parents to screw off and have been getting bombarded with messages from relatives to apologize to my brother and get my invite reinstated.”
“And apologize to my parents for disrespecting them, but I really don’t want to.”
“Angel’s reassuring me that I did nothing wrong, but it’s still nagging me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, am I the AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Parents showing true colors for sure.”
“I cannot believe people still talk like Brick today.”
“I feel like I just transported back to the 90s.”
“So sad and pathetic.” ~ Darklydreaming77
“Brick got his prejudices from somewhere. No one is born hating.”
“The parents already knew about those prejudices when OP came out and had done nothing to rectify them beforehand and continued to do nothing when they found out their other child would be directly affected by the raging homophobia.”
“Oh, they did tell OP to hide who he really was from his brother.”
“If I had to guess I’d say Brick got his homophobia from the parents, they just aren’t as extreme and/or hide it better.” ~ Steel_Hydra
“What makes them think an apology to someone who called you a bundle of sticks will fix anything other than some dumb power play?”
“Your family enables this and likely holds similar beliefs.”
“NTA. Angel is right.”
“You did nothing wrong.”
“Caring would just be a waste of energy.” ~ tango421
“And on the parents asking him to apologize, you can tell they’re not actually supportive because they’re still treating queer identities like a kink that needs to be kept out of the non-consenting public eye, interests that people can have opinions on and not intrinsic parts of who they are.”
“They’re effectively treating this like OP requested that he show up in fetish gear.”
“Absolutely NTA.”
“We need to lay these ideas about queer identities to bed already.” ~ TheMagnificentPrim
“Definitely and OP needs to cut the toxic ‘accepting’ people out of his life because they’ve shown him who they are.”
“Definitely time to block them all everywhere and go N[o] C[ontact].”
“Family are the people who love and accept and are always there for you.”
“It’s not based on blood alone.” ~ Conscious-Survey7009
“Totally agree. OP needs to realize that his parents are also homophobic in their own way, and he can’t trust them to be supportive of his relationship.”
“The rest of the family outside of the brother and parents also aren’t acting right.”
“OP should stand his ground about the wedding and not let himself be simultaneously rejected and used.”
“I believe the pressure that his family is putting on him to attend is purely about social optics (how the situation looks to others), and they are desperate to avoid the social embarrassment of him not attending.”
“If OP was a more distant relation from the groom, no one would be demanding that he attend.” ~ Umm_what_I_think_is
“NTA. If he’s a homophobe and the family condones his homophobia they’re enabling it, and the wedding will have a homophobic attitude.”
“Your parents warned you about Brick, which proved sadly true since the moment he realized he went straight to the slurs.”
“Even if you did apologize then you know you’ll be in for abuse at the wedding if Brick ever accepts it.”
“Angel is right, and the one treating you best.”
“Tell your family you won’t be the punching bag for Brick’s hate.” ~ lemon_charlie
“NTA. Ask them why they want to defend a homophobe so much instead of showing kindness and love to you.”
“I’m sorry your relatives are all being awful to you.” ~ Tonya-burner
“You are NTA.”
“To be exact, everyone here is TA except for you (and Angel).”
“Keep being true to yourself, and leave the haters behind.” ~ phyrsis
“Angel is definitely not TA either.”
“Angel sounds great.”
“This whole situation would be infinitely better if his family were more like Angel. NTA.” ~ j0a3k
“Your brother is a major AH for… 1) His views…”
“2) His hatefulness and…”
“3) His mistreatment of you.”
“Anyone acting like you have done something wrong is an incredibly huge AH and doesn’t deserve your love or your time.”
“You are justified in blocking the whole lot. NTA.” ~ stove1336
“They’re villainizing OP for not staying in the closet.”
“Brick is the one with the problem and has for a long time had the problem the rest of the family has not dealt with by ignoring it.”
“They’ve shown their true colors, and Angel’s true colors are more in tune with the Cyndi Lauper song.” ~ lemon_charlie
“Your parents want you to apologize to someone who called you an f-slur? Hell no.”
“Set that boundary now.”
“Tell them the only apology that needs to be happening is one to you, and this is no longer up for discussion if they want to be put in the NC zone with your brick-headed brother.”
“You have a family now with Angel.”
“A family that respects you and loves you for who you are.”
“And anyone else can piss off.”
“Sometimes your logical family makes a lot more sense than your biological family.” ~ fiestafan73
“NTA. Apparently, your parents find it easier to appease a homophobe than to actually do what is right.”
“This means your parents take the easy way out as opposed to doing the right thing, all because your brother throws a bigger temper tantrum than you do.”
“What they should be doing in this situation, if they truly loved you and supported you, is that they would be yelling at your brother instead for what he said to you.” ~ bamf1701
“NTA, and I am so very, very sorry you’re going through this.”
“Although you ‘don’t care,’ you were uninvited, and you have great support from your partner.”
“It’s also OK to acknowledge the grief that’s there, the pain, and the loss.”
“In the coming weeks and months, this pain may pop up unexpectedly.”
“It’s OK to welcome the pain and the grief without adding to it or ruminating on it but to welcome it in a way that allows it to be healed by you and your partner’s love.”
“Remember what they say: Queer Joy is an act of resistance!” ~ Used_Wafer6049
“NTA. Mom and Dad are just made because the optics won’t look good with you missing the wedding.” ~ scooby946
“NTA. Sounds like your parents only want you to apologize and get reinvited because they don’t want to have to explain why you aren’t there.”
“And the truth makes your family look like the AHs they are.”
“Not your fault, not your problem.”
“Spend the day doing something with your boyfriend, stick your metaphorical fingers up at the bigotry in your family, and live your best life.”
“You deserve it.” ~ Arehumansareok
“NTA buddy. Unfortunately, we cannot choose our family.”
“I would focus on celebrating the love you have with your partner.”
“I hope that too develops into marriage one day.” ~ Mattynice75
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
We echo Reddit’s suggestion to spend the day with your partner.