When it comes to airing out grievances, there is a time and place for that to happen.
Unfortunately, that was not the case for this group of women, who all used to get along when they were teenagers.
Redditor toastcakess is a 23-year-old female, who with her friend “M”, had been tormented by someone who used to be a mutual friend back in high school.
When unfortunate circumstances brought them all together, drama ensued, which led her to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for not engaging an ex-friend at a funeral?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“Backstory: I and my friend M (22 female) used to be very close with E (22 female) in middle/high school.”
“However, around sophomore year in hs E started to turn into a bully. She would say awful things about people behind their backs, and would try to pit me and M against each other.”
“When we confronted her about her toxic behavior, she went nuclear, went off on us, started spreading lies about us to all our mutual friends and even tried to sleep with M’s then bf to spite her.”
“All this caused M to try to do something really bad, and even though she thankfully wasn’t successful and is fine now, it has caused her lasting trauma.”
“Needless to say we completely cut her off after that and never spoke to her again.”
“Fast forward to now, unfortunately a mutual friend of all three of us suddenly passed away. M and I decided to attend the funeral together, and while we were getting out of the car E saw us and decided to approach us outside the funeral home.”
“She asked how we were doing and I said ‘Not great, it’s a sad day’ and M didn’t say anything at all. This pissed her off and she stormed off, then as we were walking inside she shouted ‘You know I think she would have wanted us to at least get along!'”
“I don’t think we were really rude to her, and I think the timing was inappropriate since the deceased’s family were also in front of the funeral home.”
“But I’m still wondering if I should have done something more since we were all friends with the deceased, and the day should be about remembering her life. AITA?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors gave their mostly not the a**hole judgments in the situation.
“If E had changed she wouldn’t have shouted when she didn’t get her way, especially at a funeral.”
“NTA OP!” – LazySwashbuckler
“NTA. Even if E has changed, a funeral is not the time nor place to try and make amends, as people’s emotions are so raw.” – amoeba2020
“You did everything you were supposed to do, showing up and saying your goodbyes and whatnot. Nothing spoken was overtly rude or argumentative.”
“She’s the one that messed everything up and proceeded to make a scene; common sense would dictate that the spiteful person yelling at a funeral is the problematic one, not you or your friend.”
“NTA obviously. I hope your friend, M, is recovering well.” – HelpMrHall
“NTA…..E haven’t changed or matured a day since high-school with chances being high that she never will.”
“She couldn’t even control herself in front of the grieving family of a person she considered her friend and if she thought that friend would have wanted y’all to get along she should have started the small talk with an apology whether it was accepted or not.”
“I don’t know what you think you could or should have done that day but I’m grateful that you put M’s mental and emotional health first, the fact that she didn’t speak at all says it all.” – Outrageous-Program30
“That’s a perfectly acceptable thing to say to anyone full stop in the context. I would say that to a friend or family member.”
“I probably wouldn’t have been as accommodating as you were to her, but that shows your maturity haha. Her behaviour is self-focused and narcissistic.”
“Well done to you and M (I suspect by the way you talk about M, you’re really supportive and an excellent friend through their trauma – incidentally well done M for not engaging with their bully).”
“I’m sorry about your friend passing and I’m sorry you had to see that troll of a human being on such a sad day. NTA.” – OpenMindGrow
“NTA. Stop giving this girl space in your head. Be confident enough to not care what she thinks.”
“She certainly didn’t care about what you thought or how you felt back then. Bullies are reduced when they mean nothing and can’t control your feelings or emotions anymore.” – madisonb44
“NTA. You’re going into a funeral. That is not an appropriate time to start a conversation with anyone.”
“If she’d behaved politely, perhaps after the funeral, she might have suggested that you meet somewhere for lunch or a snack, and have some time to talk and reconnect. Or you might have suggested the same after the funeral, if she hadn’t made a scene before.” – Jazzlike_Humor3340
“The universe just handed you continued proof as to why you cut this terrible person out of your lives.”
“Hold your heads high and keep moving. No need to tangle with the riff raff past.”
“NTA.” – Warriormuffinhed
“Nta, she tried to make it all about herself. You went to be there for your late friend and her family, not pretend to be budy budy with the bully. Also you weren’t rude at all.” – Plenty_Metal_1304
“NTA. One never has to interact with one’s abuser just because the abuser desires it. You and your friend didn’t make a scene, your ex-friend did. None of this is on you.”
“I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you and M are coping all right. Sending good vibes.” – wordpost1
Overall, Redditors agreed a funeral was not an appropriate place to settle scores. They also believed “E” had not changed much since her bullying days based on her outburst at the funeral.