People don’t like being talked down to.
It can be especially difficult to swallow that behavior from a significant other.
Eventually, someone who will speak up or ‘accidentally’ spar back.
And the reaction… won’t always be pretty.
Case in point…
Redditor Chemical_Eagle1007 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my wife she was ‘so close’ to getting her dream job?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a 33-year-old man and my wife is 27.”
“Since the start of our relationship, my wife has been very particular about how things get done.”
“And she tends to believe that she knows the one true correct way for anything related to anything.”
“She has admitted that she can be a control freak.”
“While this bothers me, it has never been a true dealbreaker in our relationship.”
“Very often when I do just about anything, whether it be a household chore, assembling a piece of furniture, taking a picture, or writing a presentation for work (in a field where I have a master’s degree and she has no formal education), she’ll do this thing where she’ll condescendingly say ‘You were so close to getting it right.'”
“Really drawing out the ‘so close’ part.”
“I’ve told her dozens of times that I’d prefer for her to stop because it sounds so condescending, but she insists that she’s complimenting me.”
“I do the dishes and place them out to dry in an orientation she doesn’t approve of?”
“You were so close. Next time, put them that way.”
“I take a picture of her?”
“You were so close. Next time, angle the camera this way.”
“I complete a project at work and show her the results?”
“You were so close. Next time, write it this way.”
“For the last two months, my wife has been undergoing an intensive hiring process for a job in our city.”
“She works in a highly niche field and seldom finds job openings.”
“And therefore she was ecstatic to have the opportunity for a relatively well-paying job doing what she wants to do.”
“She got to the very final stage where the company was considering two people, coincidentally the other of whom was her college roommate.”
“Well, on Friday she got ‘the call’ telling her thanks for her application but blah blah blah, record on file, all that jazz.”
“My wife came to me crying.”
“I immediately comforted her and ‘You were so close’ blurted out.”
“Her head whipped up and she asked what I meant by that.”
“I said she was so close to getting the job but was just a bit off.”
“She immediately walked out to stay at her friend’s house, where she is currently sulking.”
“She finally sent me a text this afternoon calling me a huge jerk.”
“Was I unnecessarily being an a**hole here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Man, you were so close to being the a-hole, but after all you’ve endured, NTA.” ~ Invisigoth2113
“Brilliant. If OP’s reaction was hugely jerkish, it was the result of a continuous series of cruel little micro-aggressions by his wife.”
“Her calling him a jerk is an indictment of her own behavior.”
“She made this and she earned this. NTA.” ~ Curious-One4595
“Husband does dishes or the laundry.”
“Wife: ‘You were ‘so close’ to getting it right, next time do it this way.”
“Husband: ‘You were ‘so close’ to not being an unappreciative nagging jerk, next time say thank you and then shut your mouth or I will just leave everything to you to do AND I will stop sharing things with you.”
“OP, I won’t judge if you are TA or not, because I get why you lost control and said it then.”
“But trying to teach a lesson like that to your heartbroken disappointed wife… well, let’s just say that your timing sucked.”
“And I doubt that the lesson will be learned.” ~ Betrayed_Orphan
“I honestly don’t think he was trying to teach her.”
“It came out – and possibly because of her history of pulling that crap.”
“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”
“I think he probably wishes she’d understand that is some passive-aggressive crap. OP, NTA.” ~ RanaEire
“I’m betting her ‘so close’ response is probably learned behavior from her parents, unfortunately.”
“I had parents that nothing was ever clean enough or correct enough.”
“But again I’m now a very petty person so I’m going with NTA here.”
“My petty side is having an emotional overload party in my in my mind.” ~ stripeymouse3050
“NTA. Control freaks HATE when you flip the script on them.”
“A taste of their own medicine is good every once and a while.” ~ frogginbullfish5
“The wife’s comments are like death by a thousand little cuts.”
“This relationship won’t end well or will become emotionally dead just to keep it going if things don’t change.”
“OP is NTA but I assure you he did take joy in saying that to her.”
“I would have said it as well.”
“I’d also be looking for marriage therapy or a divorce lawyer.”
“No one can survive such micromanagement in a relationship for long.” ~ rancidquail
“Yes! My son married a micro-manager.”
“And she knows so much, I’m told how to measure stuff (for baking!) correctly.”
“And my husband told me how to put a screw in right.”
“Us being 60, them being 25.”
“Always hovering to correct something.”
“Even my son tells her ‘I think my mom knows that.'”
“Wow. And I love this NTA OP.” ~ Suzee321
“OP ignore any ESH or YTA comments, you have finally confirmed for yourself that her comments were not in fact compliments but condescending jabs.”
“You don’t need to apologize to her but you should talk it out and let her understand that’s how you felt all those times when she made that comment.”
“I hope you work this out with her as I don’t think this is something that you should end your relationship over. NTA.” ~ L-Anderson
“Depending on the wife’s personality type, she might not be able to cast a critical eye on herself.”
“He said she is controlling and thinks her way is the only way to do things.”
“Many people like this cannot imagine anything wrong with anything they do so when cornered with their behavior, they lash out and try to turn it around on the other person.”
“This isn’t everyone, of course.”
“But I can’t say I would be surprised if it turned out it was her.”
“For the sake of the OP, I hope his wife is a person capable of introspection and changing behavior.” ~ magicmom17
“Please don’t have children with this woman.”
“She will sincerely emotionally damage them for life.”
“Constantly being told you are not good enough is not healthy for anyone.”
“Are you happy?
“NTA, but I’d consider some counseling to figure out why you are willing to remain in a situation where you never measure up to your wife’s standards.”
“This is not normal.” ~ Intelligent_Sundae_5
“And isn’t this just the perfect opportunity to get her in a Catch-22?”
“She invalidated your annoyances when you brought up how it made you feel and pretended that you’re overreacting and taking it the wrong way.”
“If it’s not annoyingly condescending at all then why would she be upset enough to leave and go stay with a friend when you tell her the exact same thing?”
“Can’t have it both ways. NTA.” ~ fantastic-cabbage
“This, yeah. Ordinarily, I would’ve judged that as ESH, because kicking your spouse when she’s down is an AH thing to do.”
“But the fact that she so thoroughly debunked her own, ‘It’s just a compliment!’ claim turns this around for me.”
“Sometimes, AHs need a taste of their own medicine. NTA.” ~ HoldFastO2
“The fact that she took offense immediately, just proves that she knows she’s being condescending every single time she says it to you – but putting you down makes her feel good about herself it seems.”
“Maybe this will be a wake-up call for her to stop being an a-hole to you.”
“So no, NTA for giving her some of her own medicine and proving the point.” ~ realdappermuis
“I don’t find OP saying ‘you were so close’ kicking the wife when she is down.”
“I think the issue here is that the wife felt insulted because that is what she was doing to OP all along.”
“The way I interpret OP’s ‘so close’ statement is that the wife was so close to getting the job which is true.”
“It was between her and her old roommate in the final round and the roommate got the job.”
“This goes to show that the wife has a guilty conscience.” ~ Traditional-Tune-302
OP came back with a response…
“I want to be completely honest (as other people are asking) that it wasn’t my intention to give her a taste of her own medicine.”
“I just heard that phrase so many times in so many different situations that it was legitimately the first thing that came to mind.”
“She really was so close… that’s what I was trying to say.”
“That she was so close.”
“When she reacted with shock that I’d say such a thing with her I do admit that I doubled down because I’ve heard it literally hundreds of times.”
Well OP, sounds like Reddit gets your point.
It can’t be easy being spoken down to all the time.
You and the wife may need a sit-down and really talk this all out.
Good luck.