There is no news a child wants to hear less than their parents getting divorced.
No matter how old they get.
What children might not understand is that getting a divorce is never a decision parents make lightly.
And is sometimes the only way to improving their lives.
The parents of a recent Redditor separated when she was a teenager.
But not only did the original poster (OP)'s parents remain friends, they also continued to live together.
It was for this reason that the OP was beyond surprised to hear from her mother that her parents were finally getting divorced.
A decision the OP's older sister encouraged them to make, resulting in the OP calling her "heartless".
Wondering if she was being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for calling my sister heartless for pushing our separated parents to finally divorce?"
The OP explained why they felt compelled to call her sister "heartless":
"I (22 F[emale]) have a pretty unique living situation."
"When I was 16 my mom came out as a lesbian."
"At first it was a shock, but then it felt right."
"She told my dad before me and my sister (who was 21, 27 now) so we didn't see his reaction but he was incredibly accepting."
"Having so much love for my mum, he just wanted her to be happy."
"Thats not the unique part, that part is that they stayed married and decided not to divorce."
"They're separated and date other people but still live under the same roof."
"It started off that way because when I was 16 I was going through tough exams and they didn't want to change home too much (mums idea), so it just kinda stayed?"
"To be honest it did help, and whilst at first it felt different but quickly everything fell into place."
"They decided divorce was such a lengthy process, and they get on so well, really best friends, it wasn't really like much had changed, only that my dad stayed in the guest room."
"They decided that if either of them got in a serious relationship, then they'd divorce, but still live close to each other."
"They started dating other people pretty soon after."
"Ironically my dad got more dates than my mum, turned out her single friends always had a thing for him lol which we even joked about before."
"Anyway thats a long way to say they were happy living with each other and not being divorced."
"Sometime in the past month my dad called me, inviting me out for a movie."
"I was confused, because my parents go on friend 'dates' like twice a month to go see a movie, turned out she'd blown him off."
"When I got there my dad talked about how my mum was acting weird, she was ignoring him a lot."
"This worried me, so I called her to meet up."
"I met up with my mum over coffee and asked if she was alright."
"She acted odd and brushed it off, before I mentioned stuff with my dad."
"She acted weird again, and then straight up laid it on me that she was 'finalising the divorce'."
"Shocked, I asked her why, and asked if she'd found someone and she said she hadn't, then said 'isn't it weird we're still married? There's no point'."
"I guess I hadn't thought about that, but still, it was odd and random."
"She also discussed her plans to move to a city 5 hours away from us, which in the UK is a big change."
"I called my sister straight after I got home, telling her about it, worried about our dad, and she said 'oh she finally did it'."
"Confused, I asked her what she meant, and she said something like 'aren't you embarrassed?"
"Don't your friends find it weird they're still together?'"
"'And that our dad should 'get a grip'."
"I lost it."
"I asked why a 27 year old woman would give a sh*t about something like that, and called her heartless because she knows our dad is still in love with our mum, even though it's harmless and he just wants her to be happy."
"Our mum is also very introverted and will hate moving."
"But I want to know, am I doing this just because I want my parents to be together?"
"Am I being a selfish a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community had trouble sympathizing with the OP, largely agreeing that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for calling her sister "heartless".
Just about everyone agreed that the OP was not at all thinking of what was in her parents best interests, and was only thinking of herself.
"YTA."
"You are looking at their marriage through the eyes of a child."
"You think everything is awesome because that's what they showed you."
"You don't really know."- MamaTalista
"YTA."
"You mom has wanted a divorce for years."
"How do you not understand they stayed together for you because you couldn't handle them getting a divorce?"
"It had to be really difficult for both parents to stay together in a weird gut wrenching limbo where they aren't together but still have to live together."
"It's been years."
"Let them move on with their lives."
"They aren't getting back together."
"Give your dad a chance to move on instead of constantly having the wound of separation reopened every time he comes home to see your mom."
"You're 22 but still acting like a child."- thenexttimebandit
"YTA."
"You seem to care a lot for someone that thinks your sister shouldn't care because she's an adult."-Disastrous-Nail-640
"Listen."
"You're young and relatively inexperienced with relationships."
"Your parents basically had an open marriage for the sake of the kids."
"And one parent finally realized to move on, you need to let go."
"Even if your sister was the one who said the words."
"You are unable to fully build a healthy and long lasting romantic relationship with a new partner if you're still financially tied to your spouse."
"Plus I'd be hard pressed to find a new partner who would be ok with my SO going on 'dates' (friend or not) with their spouse."
"It would make me feel like I was just there to provide their sexual needs."
"Basically, staying married means the new partner has no path forward, especially if your dad is still in love with your mom."
"So yeah."
"YTA."- allergymom74
"YTA."
"it was soft but I'd missed that your Dad is still in love with her, I'm 100% on your sister and your mom's side."
"This relationship is not healthy."
"Your mom is gay and your dad is pining over a woman with no romantic interest in him whatsoever."
"Your mom is a freaking saint."
"Do you have any idea how uncomfortable this had to be for her?"
"She needs this space and you need to see that she's a person not just a puzzle piece to fit in and make the picture you and your dad want."
"They stayed married because it was easier for you kids growing up but you're grown now."
"They said they'd divorced if they found someone new they wanted to marry but no quality person is going to start something with someone who's married—regardless of what extenuating circumstances there are."
"The need a proper separation to build their own lives."
"They can still be best friends, they can still hang out but they need to have their own lives too."
"I know it's hard and it's good they get along so well so no issues with inviting both parents to things being awkward but this is for the best for them."
"Honestly I think your mom got the short end of the stick here."
"She came out and essentially ended her marriage but she was still living with her husband, Likley playing the wife role in everything except the bedroom."
"Then her ex starts dating it sounds Like a lot of her old friends (which you say you laugh about but is super weird. This probably made her feel like she had 0 support.)"
"So if your dad was still in love with her was he trying to make her jealous?"
"Do you know how much it must have hurt your mom to feel like no one supported her or cared about what she wanted?"
"Of course your dad dated more sounds like every single straight friend she had was lining up to be with her ex."
"Meanwhile she's trying to explore a Totally new world of lesbian dating while living with her husband and kids."
"Of course your dad was happy with the arrangement- he had a wife everywhere but the bed room and it sounds like his wife's friends were happy to jump in to fill that part."
"Meanwhile your mom is in this limbo where she's an out gay women but still playing house with a man up to and including the wedding ring."
"Your mom made a HUGE sacrifice for you and your sister."
"She put her life on hold to ensure you and your sister got to grow up in a stable home and ensure you got the best start possible."
"This was unbelievably selfless of her but you're grown."
"Now she gets to actually start her life as an out gay woman."
"It makes perfect sense she wants to move a bit away, make a fresh start and start building a life that's about her not her husband and children."
"She deserves this."
"I realize it's hard but if you genuinely love your mom you should want her to be truly happy."
"I hope she has a wonderful life, finds someone she can truly love and a happy fulfilling life that is truly hers."- acegirl1985
Anyone would likely be surprised to hear their sibling encouraged their parents to get divorced.
However, the situation of the OP's parents is not like most, and as such, the OP's sister was truly only thinking of what was probably best for them.
If anything, she showed just how big a heart she had, proving herself to be anything but heartless.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp