Content Warning: HIV Diagnosis, Caretaking
Not everyone is destined for the "dream" lifestyle of getting married, having a few kids and a dog, and the beautiful house with the white picket fence.
But when a person discovers they aren't meant for that life after they've already set that life up, they're going to hurt people in the process of "finding their truth," cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Spirited-Ad7819's ex-husband decided he needed to leave to "live his truth," leaving behind his partner and their three children without ever looking back.
But when his new lifestyle led to major health concerns, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when he tried to come back into their life and even demanded that they care for him during his final years.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for not wanting to be my ex-husband's caretaker after his HIV diagnosis?"
The OP's ex-husband left and did nothing to care for his family.
"I'm making this post to show my ex later, because I don't feel like I'm in the wrong here. But I'm close to the situation, and I'm always open to new opinions."
"My ex-husband up and abandoned our family several years back to 'live his truth.'"
"I'm not going to say what his 'truth' was, beyond pointing out that it involved a lot of random, unprotected sex. That was way more important to him than me or our three children."
"He did not pay child support. He didn't even acknowledge the children most of the time. He worked under the table and did OnlyFans and similar platforms to make sure that he didn't have to support the children that he helped create."
"Needless to say, our two eldest hate him and our youngest doesn't even remember him."
But then the OP's ex-husband's new lifestyle caught up with him.
"He reached out to me recently to tell me that the karma train had run him over."
"He has acquired a terminal STI from his time as the community chew toy. He showed me proof of his diagnosis."
"Now he wants to come home, spend what time he has left with the children, and he wants me to be there when he passes on."
"He even said, 'Now isn't the time for I told you so's.'"
The OP did not want to reward and encourage their ex-husband's choices.
"I think that he's being ridiculous. With new medication, you can live a long time with that diagnosis."
"Besides, why should it fall on the children and I to sweep up another mess that he made?"
"He thinks that the children will regret not getting to spend time with him while there's time to be had."
"So, AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that their ex-husband did not deserve special treatment.
"He literally abandoned you and his children, and NEVER gave it a second thought."
"Now that he is dying, he needs something from you. I hope you do not give it to him, NTA." - AlwaysHelpful22
"OP, you're not obligated to do anything for him when he's the one who has to accept that his family (which is the abandoned children/wife) is not there any longer."
"You're also not obligated to babysit his feelings, either."
"Just block him on all social media platforms and if he tries to show up, then he can get his buttocks arrested by the cops."
"It's too late for him to come back when he refused to acknowledge the damage he's done to everyone." - lovemyfurryfam
"He's talking nonsense. With treatment, it's only technically terminal now. As in, this disease isn't going away. Not, as in, this disease will kill you."
"Life expectancy is pretty much the same as everyone else's. It's a beautiful thing, all that progress."
"But, yeah, he's lying." - Responsible-Fan5222
"He's an id**t, but I think he is just exaggerating so he can get back into your house. HIV doesn't kill you anymore. It's barely detectable in the blood if he takes his medication."
"He is just trying to get you to let him come back. Don't fall for it." - erabera
"ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS TAKE PREP. Sorry. There has been so much advancement; this was unnecessary, and I pray he didn't pass it along to someone else the way it was passed to him. This was so preventable."
"I would not take him in. Do not even consider it. He left, thumbed his nose at his family, and evaded financial responsibility. He sounds like a narcissist, immature, thoughtless, and selfish."
"It will make your life and that of your children hell, and tell him that he was okay to treat you all like s**t because in the end he got 'the best of both worlds'... 'living his truth' than jumping back into 'family' when it's convenient and to his benefit."
"No, abso-f**king-lutely no."
"Wish you and your kids the best, OP." - AtomicPlaygirl
Others cautioned the OP against thinking about being his caregiver.
"Having been the caregiver for a man I deeply loved, I beg you not to do this."
"It was an extremely difficult, long, drawn-out time for me, my adult children, and their families. And he had been a caring husband and father who gave his all to the family. This was hard with a man I DEEPLY LOVED."
"This will destroy your life and that of your children. You do not owe him anything. There are public services that can help take care of him. He chose to live his life without his family, so now he gets to live his life without his family."
"If you want to know what it is truly like to be the caregiver of a terminally ill patient, you can join one of the caregiver support groups and read the misery many of these families experience."
"I liked AARP Caregivers. They are a support group that lets members exchange information and vent. Rather than asking this question on Reddit, ask this same question to the experienced members of one of these groups." - Matilda_Mac
"He wants to come live with you and do nothing. That's what he wants. He wants to saddle you with his care, mooch off of you, and act like some sick victim."
"Don't listen to him. Cut him entirely off. Don't engage in any of these discussions. Flat out tell him no and tell him there's nothing to consider." - MaryEFriendly
"He's feeling sorry for himself and wants to make his mistakes someone else's problem. He wants to make you responsible for his treatment."
"He doesn't want to do the work, but he knows you will if he comes back to you. Then, once he's on a good regimen, he will split again."
"Stand your ground. Don't allow him to use you and your kids like this." - Accurate_Muffin429
"So he just wants a free ride for a decade or two (not that he realizes that). It seems like he wants to be important to all of you without putting in the effort it takes to become important in someone's life. From a stranger on the internet- please don't let him talk you into resuming your role as a doormat." - butterflyinflight
"He wants you to care for him for SEVEN YEARS?"
"Let me guess, while he's also too traumatized by karma to work, and without any funds because his little stratagem of working in porn in order to dodge taxes and child support now also mean that a) he doesn't have anything and b) he can't admit to having whatever he does have because you'd be able to claim that as arrears on his child support."
"Don't do that to yourself. Don't do it to your kids." - Stormtomcat
After receiving feedback, the OP updated their post with a series of updates.
"I talked to the two older kids. I told them that their dad was sick and wanted to reconnect."
"Our eldest laughed and said she thought he deserved it. Our middle child said that she doesn't want to speak to him. Our youngest was one when he bounced, so he's just a concept to her anyway."
"Yeah, I'm not bringing him back around the kids without a court order."
"I didn't send him the post, but he's already called this morning to yell about it, so someone found it and showed it to him."
"He claims that there's a secondary health issue that the HIV will make worse, so he will need help. Also, he's claiming that HIV automatically qualifies you for SSI, and he's going that route, and he 'won't be a financial burden.'"
"Well, he won't be anyway because I'm not letting him in."
"I agree with those of you who said that he's probably lying/gaslighting/exaggerating, but he is a heavy smoker, so who knows."
"Thanks to everyone who commented. There was a lot of helpful information."
In a second update, it was clear to the OP that their ex-husband didn't care about their kids.
"A lot of you called this: I told my ex that I wasn't going to force the children to have anything to do with him."
"His response was, 'Fine. I still need YOU tho.'"
"I wish that I could figure out a way to attach a screenshot because my flabbers are gasted at the open audacity."
"He lives a state over and currently doesn't have a car, so we should be fairly safe."
The OP figured out how to post a screenshot in another post:
u/Spirited-Ad7819/Reddit
The OP shared a final update after their family shared the post on Facebook.
"I gave him one phone call before I blocked him, mostly to see what he'd say."
"He admitted to exaggerating the situation. He has a lung issue that might become cancer in the future if he doesn't stop vaping and smoking. He is already on the meds to get his count down."
"He literally said that he wants to be babied and that someone as good-looking as he is deserves to be babied."
"He also acknowledged that he can't keep a job (apparently, he had a job at a McDonald's outside of Pittsburgh recently, and it didn't even last a month), so, in his words, he wasn't dodging child support so much as he is incapable of paying it."
"He also whined that all he has to offer anyone is sex, and now that's been taken from him. His parents have disowned him. His brothers won't speak to him."
"Oh, and he says that he doesn't care what a bunch of internet strangers think, but then whined that I shouldn't talk badly about him to internet strangers."
"When he told me to stop taking a tone with him, I told him that any further contact could be through the courts and blocked him."
"This was draining. This was cathartic. Thank you."
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP's ex-husband treated them and their children, and what he expected from them after his choices. If he had wanted a supportive family, he should have cared for that family in the first place.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp