Some people really love being parents and watching their children grow up to become their own individual selves.
Other people just really love being parents and refuse to let go, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor OkRecommendation9873 had recently gotten married, and while she had a decent enough relationship with her parents-in-law, she felt that for as often as she and her husband already visited them, they always demanded more.
When her mother-in-law went so far as to demand monthly one-on-one "dates" with her husband, the Original Poster (OP) was both creeped out and alarmed.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting to my mother-in-law wanting one-on-one time with my husband?"
The OP found her mother-in-law (MIL) to be overbearing and attached to her husband.
"To preface, my husband and I are newlyweds."
"Overall, my MIL has always been extremely overbearing, which can be difficult to deal with."
"I’m talking things like cutting up food and putting it on my husband's plate, demanding that he eat it, always wanting to sit next to him, etc."
Despite her husband trying to set boundaries, the OP's parents-in-law continued to push back.
"My husband has had many conversations with her about babying him and tries to set boundaries."
"My father-in-law (FIL) called my husband the other day and requested to speak to him privately, since he knew I was in the room."
"FIL shared that my MIL feels she essentially has no relationship with my husband."
"This came as a bit of a shock, as they text daily, and we make it a point to see them at least monthly. (We’ve actually seen them three times this month alone, and they live about an hour away.)"
"Then my FIL stated that my husband needs to take his mother to dinner one-on-one at least once per month to reconnect."
The OP was left perplexed by her father-in-law's list of demands.
"My husband works a lot, and we barely have time to do dinner dates."
"Am I overreacting by feeling this shouldn’t be necessary, and that I should also be allowed to join dinner?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were weirded out by the OP's question and felt something was terribly wrong with her mother-in-law's relationship with her husband.
"I mean, it is totally great for a mom and son to hang out together one-on-one. But that’s not what we are looking at here."
"It is not a mutual thing arranged by the mom and son. Son is good with how things are now. Mom is creating drama because she needs to be the main character, and she is making dad’s life miserable, so he is making it his son’s problem."
"If your husband actually wanted to spend more time with his mom, then he would. Neither of you should go to the dinner. NOR." - AgileSurprise1966
"NOR. She is enmeshed with him. If he is not building and maintaining good, strong boundaries, he is underreacting, and he needs therapy."
"She does, too. But the likelihood that she will seek it is vanishingly small. Your FIL seems more than a little out there, as well."
"I have adult kids. I cannot imagine my husband trying to insist that one of them go out to dinner one-on-one with me, just because I was whining about not being in their life."
"And once a month? That’s a lot."
"You and your husband need a long discussion about those boundaries, and appropriate parental behavior toward adult kids."
"His parents are f**king scary." - McDuchess
"She cuts his food? That was not a red flag for you?"
"He needs to come down harder on this nonsense. She is not his girlfriend, and he's not her baby anymore. NOR." - Top-Bit85
"You need to move MUCH FARTHER away from her. A whole continent might help!"
"Seriously, though, you'd still get complaints from both of them, but she'd be forced to find friends, a community, something to interact with in person, since your husband wouldn't be forced to fill that role for her anymore. She's way too tied up in her identity as 'mom' and can't understand that she parented her son well enough to find a nice woman to marry, and she needs something new to explore." - Clarklm4
"NOR. MIL here. I get the fact that we like to spend time with our children."
"BUT they have lives. Work, spouses, children, and friends. I always tell my kids, their spouse/children come before me."
"As a parent, our job is to raise responsible, independent humans. If we let them be independent, they’ll visit and call. They won’t forget us." - beansprout69
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP's husband should be responsible for speaking to and setting boundaries with his parents.
"NOR, but your MIL won’t let go, and your husband needs to be much stronger with her regarding boundaries."
"The fact that he doesn’t stop her, and should have long ago, will make this tougher to resolve."
"If he truly does want her to stop her ridiculous behavior, and get his father to stop placating her, this will be a battle. But he’s got to put his foot down." - CuriousMindedAA
"It's up to your husband to deal with his mother. I see nothing wrong with having dinner with her one-on-one occasionally, but once a month makes it an obligation."
"It's his mother, so it's his issue to deal with. NOR, but not your circus, either, unless he allows her to completely dominate his time to the point where you are an afterthought." - EarthborneAct
"Your husband needs to step it up and put his foot down. I get wanting to spend time with your adult child without their spouse. While there is nothing wrong with taking his mom to dinner without you, this combined with everything else is too much."
"Her HUSBAND needs to also step it up." - SaltZookpergame424
"NOR. If a grown woman cannot call to make plans with her son herself, she has major issues. You don't get the dad involved to push your son into going on a date with you."
"It's one thing to spend one-on-one time with a parent, and it's another to complain that you aren't getting enough attention from a man who has recently married and should be focusing on his new life."
"She is not accepting that you are the main person in his life now or that he is even an adult."
"She needs to grow up and let him grow up. You don't cut up adults' food and demand to sit by them. She needs therapy, not coddling." - Chemical-Ad6809
"NOR. I have a son. I’m a mother, not a Smother. I had to tell my MIL that if she wanted to ever see her grandchildren, she needed to give us time and space to be married as a couple, not a triplet."
"Later, she let herself into the house through the back kitchen door to find us 'in the act' right on the floor in front of her. She had driven past five discount stores to borrow my cookie sheet without calling first. She always called after that."
"MIL likely has nobody to help her process her feelings at all. She may have nobody to help her gain the insights and awareness needed to back off and get a hobby or volunteer to fill her time. This is not your job." - AvgMom
Some wanted to show support and offered suggestions for how the OP's husband could go about doing that.
"You visit often. One-on-one time isn’t necessary to maintain a close relationship. He can perhaps set up a weekly call."
"He might say, 'Dad, I appreciate the message. You know how it is to balance family and work. OP and I are happy to visit often, and we do.'"
"'A specific 1:1 plan doesn’t seem necessary, and frankly, I barely have time to take my own wife on a date. You and I both know Mom can struggle with boundaries and with change. What are other ways we can help her adjust to this new normal?'"
"NOR." - Glittering-Paper4516
"Like, 'Yes, father-in-law, that’s the point of being married. Are you familiar with the Bible verse in Genesis that says, 'Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.'?"
"'Now that your son is married someone else, his primary family, and his primary relationship is now with that person, which happens to be me, not his mom, not your wife."
"And OP, I don’t understand why you’re spending so much time with them… if you’re living with them, immediately start looking for a new place." - bopperbopper
"Your husband needs to tell his dad, 'Dad, she's your wife. You need to be the one taking her on dates, just like I take my wife on dates. I would never call her father to come take her on a date. I'm an adult and busy, and although, I love you guys, I'm not a baby anymore.'" - rocketmn69_
"I'd be frank, like, 'Hey Dad, we are newlyweds. Please support Mom in seeking therapy if the very normal activity of me wanting to spend time with my wife feels like abandonment to her.'"
"NOR." - Catfactss
"I think your FIL wanting to talk to your husband privately means that FIL and MIL blame you. MIL wants to be able to complain about you and try to control him away from your influence."
"It does seem like your husband is trying, but these one-on-one meetings seem like ambushes."
"Tell him he is more than welcome to see his Mom one-on-one once in a while, as long as they are not b***h sessions and her trying to exert influence in his life or marriage."
"It also means that you as a couple will see them less in exchange, and he needs to have twice as many dates with you as he does with his Mom." - FoofTheBunny
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye the OP's mother-in-law for her attachment issues and her father-in-law for enabling his wife. But they hoped that with more boundaries, and maybe more distance, the OP's mother-in-law would loosen up on her identity as a mother and find something else to define herself now that her son had flown from the nest.
