Parenting post-divorce can be a minefield of issues.
It’s especially problematic when the divorcing parties don’t always see eye to eye.
That of course leads to drama with the kids.
And kids don’t often take well to being stuck in the middle.
But sometimes, it’s inevitable.
Redditor tree_goddess wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not letting my teenager take the car I purchased to the other house during dad’s custody time?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have 50/50 custody of my son (M[ale]16), he stays at both houses for a week at a time.”
“Over a year ago, I started conversations with my ex-husband to figure out how we were going to purchase a car for our son to use.”
“Both households are making good money, but there are 9 kids total after we both got remarried.”
“My ex was not responsive.”
“Basically, he ignored me because he said ‘If I buy our son a car then I have to buy the step kids cars too.’”
“After months of waiting, I decided to buy my son a car.”
“I own it outright.”
“I gave his dad the opportunity to buy it by paying me half the vehicle’s value interest-free over 60 months.”
“That totaled $109 a month for 5 years.”
“I required him to sign a contract that detailed the payments and that the kid would own the car once it was paid off.”
“My ex balked at that and said he wasn’t paying anything.”
“So, the car is staying at my house during the 15 days a month my son is at his dad’s.”
“My son is mad at me because I’m ‘being petty.'”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole for not letting him take the car to his Dad’s?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP would NOT BE the A**hole.
“I personally think you’re NTA, vehicles are expensive to not only purchase but also maintain.”
“It’s very likely he would be tasked with taking siblings to other places, impacting his free time and your expenses.”
“You shouldn’t have to bear the cost of that alone.” ~ candylandking-lol
“You are the car’s owner you set the rules, including buying a cheap dash cam with an interior camera and installing it for ‘safety’ as well as the rules that since your ex doesn’t want to pay for the car that the step-siblings aren’t allowed in the car until the loan is paid off.”
“The dashcam footage is your evidence of violations of the rules.”
“Your son shouldn’t hate this as he can have friends in the car just not step-siblings.” ~ bill-schick
“So don’t call it a gift.”
“You bought yourself a car and allowed the kid to use it when he’s there.”
“Nothing wrong with that but definitely not his car like you’re claiming.” ~ chandelurei
“NTA. You have valid concerns, and his father hasn’t been helpful with this milestone.”
“Your son is only 16.”
“He needs to get experience driving before being responsible for transporting anyone anywhere.” ~ Dixieland_Insanity
“Don’t forget that in many states, it is illegal for a driver under the age of 18 to have passengers except under very specific circumstances.”
“OP is right to not allow the car to go to her ex’s home.”
“He will totally take advantage of their son’s new mobility without any care for potential negative consequences. NTA.” ~ BunnySlayer64
“Exactly. Not having access 50% of the time is not a punishment.”
“Having access 50% of the time is an absolute privilege.”
“One denied to many.”
“Seems like teenage son is forgetting to be grateful and have an appreciation for what he does get, as opposed to merely expecting what he feels entitled to.” ~ ph8drus
“Explain this thoroughly to your son.”
“Have a seated, targeted conversation.”
“Come up with all of the reasons ahead of your conversation.”
“Let him know that you are helping him to protect his property, because you don’t have the spare funds for extra maintenance, professional cleaning, replacement of rugs, etc.”
“Let him know you have no control over what his Dad will ask him to do with the car, and if he is asked to transport siblings in his car, they will most likely trash it.”
“If he understands that you aren’t just being petty (you aren’t), he will be more willing to deal with the hassle.” ~ BlackLakeBlueFish
“NTA. I’m a parent and would make some kind of compromise with him where he can show you he’s responsible.”
“Something along the lines of the car being yours for him to use while with you while he is 16.”
“Once he turns 17, he can show you he’s responsible by maintaining the car( keeping it clean, using it reasonably, etc) and using it regardless of which home he’s at.”
“If he’s irresponsible, the consequence would be to only use the car at your place or it’s taken away.”
“If he takes good care of the car, it’s his once he turns 18, if he pays the $109 a month, depending on your financial situation.”
“This gives him a full year to show you he’s capable.”
“This will encourage him to be reasonable with you being less controlling.” ~ Spirited-Hall-2805
“Explain to your son EXACTLY what you just said.”
“Explain to your son the contract you went out of your way to offer to Dad.”
“Let him know Dad was the one to want no part of it.”
“Explain this to your son.”
“He will understand and then he needs to apply this same pressure towards his dad.”
“Son needs to know his dad thinks $109 per month is more important than his son driving 15 days per month.” ~ Missouri_Milk_Man
“I think that if you have explained to your son that keeping the car at your house protects you and your son from liability (something that he really won’t be able to understand very well at his age), then it doesn’t matter what his reaction is.”
“You are 100% correct in not wanting this car to be at his dad’s house.”
“You should ask your son to choose between two options…”
“1- Not having the car at all (ie you sell it and get your money back, not money for your teenager) or…”
“2- He has no car at all.”
“I’m sure that he will choose to have a car 50% of the time vs no car at any time.”
“Sometimes our teenagers will not understand the decisions that we make, but we can still make them.” ~ Opportunity_Massive
“NTA. Your husband didn’t want to buy a car because then ‘he’d have to buy a car for the stepchildren’ which tells me that he might have a hard time saying no to either stepkids or wife or both.”
“So, not only are you no there to sort of monitor the choices your son is making with his car (when he’s going out and who with), which matters to you because the car is not paid for and I’m assuming you also have him on your insurance.”
“You don’t know if Dad will be driving it, or stepmom, or step-siblings.”
“Sending it with him you are leaving him in the position of having to decide what you would be comfortable with in terms of car use and then sticking with it.”
“It’s a lot for a kid.”
“And there is the legal liability if he is doing anything reckless.”
“You paid for and furnished the car so legally it could all be on you if something goes badly.” ~ Ok_Strawberry_197
“NTA – I’ll bet $50 that your ex would make your son take all the siblings (step or half) everywhere in the car.”
“They will damage it and then your ex will leave you paying for the repairs.”
“Tell your ex that the car can live at his house with your son when your ex pays half of the insurance.”
“Yes, I agree it sucks for your son.”
“But you’re protecting his car.” ~ bdayqueen
“NTA. This is your car, which you purchased for your son to use for his transportation needs.”
“But it’s your car.”
“Doesn’t sound like your child contributed to the purchase costs or insurance.”
“Who pays for damages?”
“Who pays for gas, particularly if your child is forced to drive siblings around?”
“It sounds like your ex is just mad they don’t have an additional taxi at the house.”
“Explain to your son that you know it’s frustrating, that it probably feels like he is being punished for your ex not contributing, but in reality, you are looking to protect this asset from damage and wear and tear.”
“What would happen if he’s forced to loan it or use it at that house and it gets damaged?”
“What does he think will happen?”
“Because it doesn’t sound like ex will be helping.”
“Growing up I had a car to drive, but it was made crystal clear that my parents bought it.”
“They were paying for insurance, it was THEIR car, and it was available for me to drive because it made things more convenient if I was able to drive myself to where I needed to go.”
“You said your ex contributes a little towards insurance.”
“I would stop making him do that.”
“He’s made it clear he isn’t interested in supporting your son having a vehicle except when it benefits your ex.”
“It’s just a small thing he can hold over your head.” ~ Public_Pomelo8266
“NTA. You can’t trust that his dad won’t drive it or give it to one of the other kids to drive You would be held liable for any accidents any of them cause.” ~ murphy2345678
“NTA. Just explain to your son that the car and its maintenance are fully funded by you and not the ex.”
“Ask your son if the ex ever forces him to drive his kids and stepkids around in their family car.”
“Then explain how you, as the car owner and sole car insurance holder, that YOU are liable for anything that happens in that vehicle.”
“Not your son, not your ex, you.”
“If he still doesn’t get it, maybe he is too young for a car.” ~ LindonLilBlueBalls
“NTA – Explain that the car is a perk for the time he spends in your care.”
“It is no different than you buying a TV for his room and not letting him take it to his father’s house.” ~ TheJokersWild53
“In a shared custody arrangement, it is not the responsibility of one parent to supply anything during their non-custodial time.”
“Since the mother owns the car outright, it is hers and belongs at her house.”
“If dad had paid for half, perhaps the car would have been in the son’s name it would be his and would belong where he was staying.”
“The child is 16 years old.”
“If he wants a car full-time, he can choose to live in the house that provides one. NTA.” ~ Rye_One_
“NTA, like you said it is your car that you allow your son to use.”
“If his father had contributed it would have been the son’s car, but the father did not.”
“It sucks for your son, but he can experience what living with his father is like just like his step-siblings.” ~ Just_a_guy_1369
“No, you are NTA… you bought it, it stays with you, it is essentially your car.”
“Your son calling you petty just wants to guilt you and make you feel bad, those kids try very hard to wear us down, hoping we will give in.”
“Everyone will want to use the car there and not take responsibility if something happens, and maybe not even care about the car.”
“I would explain to your son because of the current situation and the ex not putting money into it and being a jerk about it, let it be a learning curve for him on the realities of our decisions and choices, if anything he should be on his dad’s case for not helping.”
“Your car… your decision.” ~ the_power_of_a_prune
“NTA. If the car is at his father’s house then anyone could take the keys and drive it and you would be responsible for accidents and damages to the car.”
“Your ex can now cart your son around giving rides to and from places like always.”
“I understand your son is upset but you are 100% on the hook for anything that goes wrong and that’s not ok.” ~ Wakemeup3000
“NTA, your son might not get it now but you are doing him a favor.”
“His dad is more concerned about his step kids and I believe that he would let them use the car with or without your son’s permission.” ~ Secret_Double_9239
Reddit understands where you’re coming from OP.
Your ex has put you in quite a predicament.
Stand your ground.
Hopefully, your son will come around.
Your generosity is going unappreciated and that’s not okay.
Good luck.