Living with a terminal diagnosis is unimaginable to anyone who isn’t in that situation. People can speculate on how they’d react, but no one really knows until it happens to them.
Do they live life to the fullest, knowing their time is limited? Do they fall into a deep depression? Do they tackle their bucket list? Do they become self-destructive?
And how should their loved ones react? If the person becomes a danger to themselves and others, is their family expected to excuse the behavior because they’re dying?
A mother agonizing over these questions turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Throw_away1021 asked:
“Am I (46, female) The A**Hole (AITAH) for cutting my son with a brain tumor out of my life?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Three years ago, my son (25, male) was diagnosed with a Grade 2 astrocytoma, a slow-growing brain tumor that can’t be cured. Doctors said he probably won’t live past his 30s.”
“Since then, life has been a nightmare. He dropped out of college and moved back in with us and fell into a deep depression.”
“We tried everything to help him: therapy, support, just being there but nothing helped. He stopped going to appointments, stopped caring, barely left his room.”
“Then, about a year ago, he suddenly seemed better. He got a job at a gas station, got a girlfriend and moved in with her.”
“But then he stopped returning our calls. We didn’t know what was going on until my husband went to his job and was told he’d been fired months earlier for being high at work.”
“We were shocked. He’d never touched drugs before. My husband went to his girlfriend’s place. Our son answered the door clearly high, smelling of booze.”
“We found out he’d been using fentanyl. His girlfriend was pregnant, also using. He had been stealing to support their habit.”
“We begged him to get help. He shut us out. We cried more than I thought was possible.”
“His girlfriend moved in with her parents since giving birth. They are caring for her and her baby and do not allow my son or ourselves to see her.”
“About six months ago, he OD’d and almost died. He was hospitalized for three days. He promised to get clean, moved back home, started rehab. We were so relieved.”
“It didn’t last long. Two weeks later we caught him trying to steal money from our home safe. He swore he wasn’t using again, just broke.”
“I was so heartbroken I gave him a little money anyway. I couldn’t stand to see him suffering.”
“He kept asking for more. It became obvious he was using again. We confronted him, and he left. Moved in with new ‘friends’.”
“Yesterday we got a call from jail. He’d been caught trying to steal a car. I completely broke down and am utterly broken and filled with grief.”
“My daughter is depressed. My husband cries every time I mention our son’s name. I had to quit my job as I couldn’t function anymore.”
“Maybe the tumor is affecting his brain and behavior. Maybe it’s the drugs. But I can’t do it anymore.”
“And I hate myself for saying this, but sometimes I wish he were just… gone. The guilt of even thinking that is unbearable. But I’m at my limit.”
“I told him not to contact us anymore. That it was better if he didn’t. And yet, I lie awake every night wondering if I’ve failed him completely.”
“I don’t even know what I’m asking by writing this. Maybe I just needed to write it all out and share it with strangers.”
“AITA?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not doing anything wrong (NTA).
“I am leaving off a judgement. Your whole family is going through it. And I am sorry. And it is super hard. Usually I would be all for cutting them off until they have been sober a year. But, your son might not have that long.”
“No longer bail him out, absolutely. He cannot live with you or even enter your home, absolutely. But, I would not cut him off completely.”
“He dies 5 years from now, what are you going to regret the most? Still seeing him and loving him and spending what time he has left with him even though he is an addict, or cutting him off and not seeing him until his funeral?”
“My advice is to not invest so much energy into him or his addiction. Set firm boundaries, no bailing him out, no giving him money or anything besides non-returnable food (literally, sharpie over the barcode, maybe a swear word written on the top, and no receipt), and he cannot enter your home.”
“Then meet him in neutral locations at times when he is most likely to be sober. Keep calling him to tell him you love him.” ~ Sad_Solid1088
“Your son is dying and struggling. He’s turned to drugs to dull the pain of it. Your entire family needs intense counseling to deal with it.” ~ Ancient-Actuator7443
“NTA, however, I believe your son is doing all of this to dull his own pain because he’s dying. This is honestly probably the time y’all need to be there for him, but that’s hard to do if that person doesn’t want help, but y’all definitely need counseling.” ~ Angelthebaddest
“You can’t have a fentanyl user in your house, much less an addict who steals to support his addiction, but I am voting NAH because everyone in this story needs therapy.”
“Even though using hard drugs—fentanyl especially—is terrible, I don’t know how I’d respond to a terminal diagnosis at 22. Your son is suffering, is sick, and needs help.”
“Your family needs help, too: maybe Al-Anon to cope with being the family member of an addict, but also some sort of trauma/grief counseling to process losing a son so early.”
“We’re all very sorry for you and hope you get help. This is a case of life just not being fair sometimes.” ~ ClackamasLivesMatter
“So, you all needed intense therapy and even spiritual journey to help him accept the reality and make the most of his remaining years.”
“He is an adult and made these decisions of drugs/etc…, so therefore has to handle the consequences, but sounds like everyone failed at critical steps.”
“There’s no ‘right’ path or result of someone given a death sentence. I’m SO sorry that this happened to your son.”
“No parent should outlive their children, and witnessing the long term suffering in the meantime is hurting everyone. My heart goes out to all of y’all.” ~ Unusual_Flounder92
“ESH, but I understand. I don’t know why you are surprised by this behavior. Put yourself in his shoes.”
“He has no future, regardless of what he does. He has an expiration date and it’s soon.”
“I totally understand wanting to go no contact with an addict. And that is a line in the sand that you should draw, but it kind of sounds like you are ready to throw in the towel regardless.”
“Yes, thinking about him and dealing with him is stressful, but I can’t imagine what he has been through in this time.”
“Telling him not to contact you without any conditions is harsh. Some day he will be gone and you may wish for that time back. Telling him not to contact you until he is clean is much more reasonable.” ~ Robinnoodle
“You should be advocating for him. The tumor is literally in his brain and likely affecting him mentally.”
“He’s already demonstrated problems after so you could potentially either get him released to your care or put in an actual facility that can help him for the time he has left.”
“This is probably the only time I’d say YTA for cutting out a drug user.” ~ SubarcticFarmer
“If he’s in pain, he should be helped so that the pain goes away or is made bearable. See what can be done to legally get some effective pain relief.”
“He is your son, and he is probably having personality or behavioral changes. Caused by his illness.”
“He won’t get better, but he is still your son, and needs your loving help, attention and acceptance as he goes through his final changes. My sincere wishes that you all can get through this horrendous, difficult challenge of remaining family.” ~ ThinkButterscotch635
“In my culture, the idea of ending one’s own life is not taboo or shunned the way it is in others. My family knows that once my life holds no value for me—chronic, debilitating illness with no possibility of recovery or even improvement in quality of life—I’ll be ending it via death with dignity resources.”
“All of these people telling the OP to ignore behavior they’d vehemently condemn if the son wasn’t terminal, need to give her a break. She, her husband, and daughter aren’t required to burn their lives to the ground to make her son warm.”
“The free passes people give because they fear death is bizarre to me.”
“I’d have a discussion with the son about death with dignity. There’s more humane ways to die than what he’s currently doing to himself that will also not take others down with him.”
“Yes, reach out, but find out if he wants to continue living. If he does, then he needs to have clear boundaries with his family. If he doesn’t want to respect those boundaries, say goodbye and start mourning his absence now.”
“They can’t force him to get help if he doesn’t want it. Stop expecting them to.” ~ MohawMais
The OP has as yet provided no updates.
However they choose to proceed, hopefully they find peace.