Living with a terminal diagnosis is unimaginable to anyone who isn't in that situation. People can speculate on how they'd react, but no one really knows until it happens to them.
Do they live life to the fullest, knowing their time is limited? Do they fall into a deep depression? Do they tackle their bucket list? Do they become self-destructive?
And how should their loved ones react? If the person becomes a danger to themselves and others, is their family expected to excuse the behavior because they're dying?
A mother agonizing over these questions turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Throw_away1021 asked:
"Am I (46, female) The A**Hole (AITAH) for cutting my son with a brain tumor out of my life?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Three years ago, my son (25, male) was diagnosed with a Grade 2 astrocytoma, a slow-growing brain tumor that can't be cured. Doctors said he probably won't live past his 30s."
"Since then, life has been a nightmare. He dropped out of college and moved back in with us and fell into a deep depression."
"We tried everything to help him: therapy, support, just being there but nothing helped. He stopped going to appointments, stopped caring, barely left his room."
"Then, about a year ago, he suddenly seemed better. He got a job at a gas station, got a girlfriend and moved in with her."
"But then he stopped returning our calls. We didn't know what was going on until my husband went to his job and was told he'd been fired months earlier for being high at work."
"We were shocked. He'd never touched drugs before. My husband went to his girlfriend's place. Our son answered the door clearly high, smelling of booze."
"We found out he'd been using fentanyl. His girlfriend was pregnant, also using. He had been stealing to support their habit."
"We begged him to get help. He shut us out. We cried more than I thought was possible."
"His girlfriend moved in with her parents since giving birth. They are caring for her and her baby and do not allow my son or ourselves to see her."
"About six months ago, he OD'd and almost died. He was hospitalized for three days. He promised to get clean, moved back home, started rehab. We were so relieved."
"It didn't last long. Two weeks later we caught him trying to steal money from our home safe. He swore he wasn't using again, just broke."
"I was so heartbroken I gave him a little money anyway. I couldn't stand to see him suffering."
"He kept asking for more. It became obvious he was using again. We confronted him, and he left. Moved in with new 'friends'."
"Yesterday we got a call from jail. He'd been caught trying to steal a car. I completely broke down and am utterly broken and filled with grief."
"My daughter is depressed. My husband cries every time I mention our son's name. I had to quit my job as I couldn't function anymore."
"Maybe the tumor is affecting his brain and behavior. Maybe it's the drugs. But I can't do it anymore."
"And I hate myself for saying this, but sometimes I wish he were just… gone. The guilt of even thinking that is unbearable. But I'm at my limit."
"I told him not to contact us anymore. That it was better if he didn't. And yet, I lie awake every night wondering if I've failed him completely."
"I don't even know what I'm asking by writing this. Maybe I just needed to write it all out and share it with strangers."
"AITA?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not doing anything wrong (NTA).
"I am leaving off a judgement. Your whole family is going through it. And I am sorry. And it is super hard. Usually I would be all for cutting them off until they have been sober a year. But, your son might not have that long."
"No longer bail him out, absolutely. He cannot live with you or even enter your home, absolutely. But, I would not cut him off completely."
"He dies 5 years from now, what are you going to regret the most? Still seeing him and loving him and spending what time he has left with him even though he is an addict, or cutting him off and not seeing him until his funeral?"
"My advice is to not invest so much energy into him or his addiction. Set firm boundaries, no bailing him out, no giving him money or anything besides non-returnable food (literally, sharpie over the barcode, maybe a swear word written on the top, and no receipt), and he cannot enter your home."
"Then meet him in neutral locations at times when he is most likely to be sober. Keep calling him to tell him you love him." ~ Sad_Solid1088
"Your son is dying and struggling. He's turned to drugs to dull the pain of it. Your entire family needs intense counseling to deal with it." ~ Ancient-Actuator7443
"NTA, however, I believe your son is doing all of this to dull his own pain because he's dying. This is honestly probably the time y'all need to be there for him, but that's hard to do if that person doesn't want help, but y'all definitely need counseling." ~ Angelthebaddest
"You can't have a fentanyl user in your house, much less an addict who steals to support his addiction, but I am voting NAH because everyone in this story needs therapy."
"Even though using hard drugs—fentanyl especially—is terrible, I don't know how I'd respond to a terminal diagnosis at 22. Your son is suffering, is sick, and needs help."
"Your family needs help, too: maybe Al-Anon to cope with being the family member of an addict, but also some sort of trauma/grief counseling to process losing a son so early."
"We're all very sorry for you and hope you get help. This is a case of life just not being fair sometimes." ~ ClackamasLivesMatter
"So, you all needed intense therapy and even spiritual journey to help him accept the reality and make the most of his remaining years."
"He is an adult and made these decisions of drugs/etc..., so therefore has to handle the consequences, but sounds like everyone failed at critical steps."
"There's no 'right' path or result of someone given a death sentence. I'm SO sorry that this happened to your son."
"No parent should outlive their children, and witnessing the long term suffering in the meantime is hurting everyone. My heart goes out to all of y'all." ~ Unusual_Flounder92
"ESH, but I understand. I don't know why you are surprised by this behavior. Put yourself in his shoes."
"He has no future, regardless of what he does. He has an expiration date and it's soon."
"I totally understand wanting to go no contact with an addict. And that is a line in the sand that you should draw, but it kind of sounds like you are ready to throw in the towel regardless."
"Yes, thinking about him and dealing with him is stressful, but I can't imagine what he has been through in this time."
"Telling him not to contact you without any conditions is harsh. Some day he will be gone and you may wish for that time back. Telling him not to contact you until he is clean is much more reasonable." ~ Robinnoodle
"You should be advocating for him. The tumor is literally in his brain and likely affecting him mentally."
"He's already demonstrated problems after so you could potentially either get him released to your care or put in an actual facility that can help him for the time he has left."
"This is probably the only time I'd say YTA for cutting out a drug user." ~ SubarcticFarmer
"If he's in pain, he should be helped so that the pain goes away or is made bearable. See what can be done to legally get some effective pain relief."
"He is your son, and he is probably having personality or behavioral changes. Caused by his illness."
"He won't get better, but he is still your son, and needs your loving help, attention and acceptance as he goes through his final changes. My sincere wishes that you all can get through this horrendous, difficult challenge of remaining family." ~ ThinkButterscotch635
"In my culture, the idea of ending one's own life is not taboo or shunned the way it is in others. My family knows that once my life holds no value for me—chronic, debilitating illness with no possibility of recovery or even improvement in quality of life—I'll be ending it via death with dignity resources."
"All of these people telling the OP to ignore behavior they'd vehemently condemn if the son wasn't terminal, need to give her a break. She, her husband, and daughter aren't required to burn their lives to the ground to make her son warm."
"The free passes people give because they fear death is bizarre to me."
"I'd have a discussion with the son about death with dignity. There's more humane ways to die than what he's currently doing to himself that will also not take others down with him."
"Yes, reach out, but find out if he wants to continue living. If he does, then he needs to have clear boundaries with his family. If he doesn't want to respect those boundaries, say goodbye and start mourning his absence now."
"They can't force him to get help if he doesn't want it. Stop expecting them to." ~ MohawMais
The OP has as yet provided no updates.
However they choose to proceed, hopefully they find peace.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp