Living with a terminal diagnosis is unimaginable to anyone who isn't in that situation. People can speculate on how they'd react, but no one really knows until it happens to them.
Do they live life to the fullest, knowing their time is limited? Do they fall into a deep depression? Do they tackle their bucket list? Do they become self-destructive?
And how should their loved ones react? If the person becomes a danger to themselves and others, is their family expected to excuse the behavior because they're dying?
A mother agonizing over these questions turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Throw_away1021 asked:
"Am I (46, female) The A**Hole (AITAH) for cutting my son with a brain tumor out of my life?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Three years ago, my son (25, male) was diagnosed with a Grade 2 astrocytoma, a slow-growing brain tumor that can't be cured. Doctors said he probably won't live past his 30s."
"Since then, life has been a nightmare. He dropped out of college and moved back in with us and fell into a deep depression."
"We tried everything to help him: therapy, support, just being there but nothing helped. He stopped going to appointments, stopped caring, barely left his room."
"Then, about a year ago, he suddenly seemed better. He got a job at a gas station, got a girlfriend and moved in with her."
"But then he stopped returning our calls. We didn't know what was going on until my husband went to his job and was told he'd been fired months earlier for being high at work."
"We were shocked. He'd never touched drugs before. My husband went to his girlfriend's place. Our son answered the door clearly high, smelling of booze."
"We found out he'd been using fentanyl. His girlfriend was pregnant, also using. He had been stealing to support their habit."
"We begged him to get help. He shut us out. We cried more than I thought was possible."
"His girlfriend moved in with her parents since giving birth. They are caring for her and her baby and do not allow my son or ourselves to see her."
"About six months ago, he OD'd and almost died. He was hospitalized for three days. He promised to get clean, moved back home, started rehab. We were so relieved."
"It didn't last long. Two weeks later we caught him trying to steal money from our home safe. He swore he wasn't using again, just broke."
"I was so heartbroken I gave him a little money anyway. I couldn't stand to see him suffering."
"He kept asking for more. It became obvious he was using again. We confronted him, and he left. Moved in with new 'friends'."
"Yesterday we got a call from jail. He'd been caught trying to steal a car. I completely broke down and am utterly broken and filled with grief."
"My daughter is depressed. My husband cries every time I mention our son's name. I had to quit my job as I couldn't function anymore."
"Maybe the tumor is affecting his brain and behavior. Maybe it's the drugs. But I can't do it anymore."
"And I hate myself for saying this, but sometimes I wish he were just… gone. The guilt of even thinking that is unbearable. But I'm at my limit."
"I told him not to contact us anymore. That it was better if he didn't. And yet, I lie awake every night wondering if I've failed him completely."
"I don't even know what I'm asking by writing this. Maybe I just needed to write it all out and share it with strangers."
"AITA?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not doing anything wrong (NTA).
"I am leaving off a judgement. Your whole family is going through it. And I am sorry. And it is super hard. Usually I would be all for cutting them off until they have been sober a year. But, your son might not have that long."
"No longer bail him out, absolutely. He cannot live with you or even enter your home, absolutely. But, I would not cut him off completely."
"He dies 5 years from now, what are you going to regret the most? Still seeing him and loving him and spending what time he has left with him even though he is an addict, or cutting him off and not seeing him until his funeral?"
"My advice is to not invest so much energy into him or his addiction. Set firm boundaries, no bailing him out, no giving him money or anything besides non-returnable food (literally, sharpie over the barcode, maybe a swear word written on the top, and no receipt), and he cannot enter your home."
"Then meet him in neutral locations at times when he is most likely to be sober. Keep calling him to tell him you love him." ~ Sad_Solid1088
"Your son is dying and struggling. He's turned to drugs to dull the pain of it. Your entire family needs intense counseling to deal with it." ~ Ancient-Actuator7443
"NTA, however, I believe your son is doing all of this to dull his own pain because he's dying. This is honestly probably the time y'all need to be there for him, but that's hard to do if that person doesn't want help, but y'all definitely need counseling." ~ Angelthebaddest
"You can't have a fentanyl user in your house, much less an addict who steals to support his addiction, but I am voting NAH because everyone in this story needs therapy."
"Even though using hard drugs—fentanyl especially—is terrible, I don't know how I'd respond to a terminal diagnosis at 22. Your son is suffering, is sick, and needs help."
"Your family needs help, too: maybe Al-Anon to cope with being the family member of an addict, but also some sort of trauma/grief counseling to process losing a son so early."
"We're all very sorry for you and hope you get help. This is a case of life just not being fair sometimes." ~ ClackamasLivesMatter
"So, you all needed intense therapy and even spiritual journey to help him accept the reality and make the most of his remaining years."
"He is an adult and made these decisions of drugs/etc..., so therefore has to handle the consequences, but sounds like everyone failed at critical steps."
"There's no 'right' path or result of someone given a death sentence. I'm SO sorry that this happened to your son."
"No parent should outlive their children, and witnessing the long term suffering in the meantime is hurting everyone. My heart goes out to all of y'all." ~ Unusual_Flounder92
"ESH, but I understand. I don't know why you are surprised by this behavior. Put yourself in his shoes."
"He has no future, regardless of what he does. He has an expiration date and it's soon."
"I totally understand wanting to go no contact with an addict. And that is a line in the sand that you should draw, but it kind of sounds like you are ready to throw in the towel regardless."
"Yes, thinking about him and dealing with him is stressful, but I can't imagine what he has been through in this time."
"Telling him not to contact you without any conditions is harsh. Some day he will be gone and you may wish for that time back. Telling him not to contact you until he is clean is much more reasonable." ~ Robinnoodle
"You should be advocating for him. The tumor is literally in his brain and likely affecting him mentally."
"He's already demonstrated problems after so you could potentially either get him released to your care or put in an actual facility that can help him for the time he has left."
"This is probably the only time I'd say YTA for cutting out a drug user." ~ SubarcticFarmer
"If he's in pain, he should be helped so that the pain goes away or is made bearable. See what can be done to legally get some effective pain relief."
"He is your son, and he is probably having personality or behavioral changes. Caused by his illness."
"He won't get better, but he is still your son, and needs your loving help, attention and acceptance as he goes through his final changes. My sincere wishes that you all can get through this horrendous, difficult challenge of remaining family." ~ ThinkButterscotch635
"In my culture, the idea of ending one's own life is not taboo or shunned the way it is in others. My family knows that once my life holds no value for me—chronic, debilitating illness with no possibility of recovery or even improvement in quality of life—I'll be ending it via death with dignity resources."
"All of these people telling the OP to ignore behavior they'd vehemently condemn if the son wasn't terminal, need to give her a break. She, her husband, and daughter aren't required to burn their lives to the ground to make her son warm."
"The free passes people give because they fear death is bizarre to me."
"I'd have a discussion with the son about death with dignity. There's more humane ways to die than what he's currently doing to himself that will also not take others down with him."
"Yes, reach out, but find out if he wants to continue living. If he does, then he needs to have clear boundaries with his family. If he doesn't want to respect those boundaries, say goodbye and start mourning his absence now."
"They can't force him to get help if he doesn't want it. Stop expecting them to." ~ MohawMais
The OP has as yet provided no updates.
However they choose to proceed, hopefully they find peace.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.